Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

False. About 42% of marriages end in divorce. 66% of marriages reach the 20 year mark, and the average marriage lasts for 34 years. The longer couples live together before marriage, the more likely the marriage is to end in divorce.

Neither of you are being unreasonable with your current positions on marriage, but you are not communicating with each other either.

He said he needed more time and instead of exploring what that meant to both you and him you dramatically blindsided him with a proposal.

You need to sit down together and work out what each of you need and if you are compatible. If you can't communicate clearly about marriage, how will you be able to talk about other future combined plans and goals.

How old are you? If you’re under 30 and have been together less than two years, I think he’s been realistic. Nearly two years is not that long to commit to a lifetime.

If you’re 38 and keen to have a family, I can understand your keenness to marry.

You knew he wasn’t ready, but you asked anyway so what did you expect? You’re not unreasonable to feel sad or disappointed or move on if you are looking for marriage more quickly, but he’s not unreasonable at all either.

Hmm. I've kind of been on all sides in this scenario.

I "knew" my ex was the one very quickly. I didn't propose to him as I knew he wasn't ready (we were early 20s). We dated for 6 years before he proposed and waiting that long for him to make his mind up was very painful for me. I never felt like he loved me the way I loved him. We broke up before we got married. Do you know why his previous engagement was called off? Does he dither in all decisions (my ex did), or just with marrying you?

Has he given you any indication of when he might be ready? Or if he actually never wants to get married? How old are you and are children important to you?

If you look honestly at your relationship, are there any other concerns? I refused to see it, but with my ex there were definitely other issues that would have made marriage difficult. Communication seems to be an issue - why did you propose when he seems to have been clear that he's not ready yet?

My DH, on the other hand, proposed after 4 months!!! I wasn't ready and I said no. DH backed right off and didn't mention it again until I brought it up. His reaction really helped me feel secure in the relationship and I said yes after another 7 months. It was difficult for him, but he was patient. Pressuring me wouldn't have worked.

Yep - that's the thing - you were on the same page.
This couple aren't.

Now you know. Now you leave.

He’s not ready or he isn’t that into you.

Either way you can’t hang around.

Google avoidant men- for both your sakes. You may not each have the same level of emotional intelligence, maturity or capacity to have open direct conversations, what might seem easy and straightforward for one might feel confrontational and challenging for another. Everyone is different and can be at a different place along the spectrum of communication. Best of luck.

Ooh, congrats on being born before me. Well done you.

Honestly I think there is no hard and fast rule here.

I knew DH was the man for me very early in our relationship. He obviously felt the same because he proposed about 9 months after our first date and we were married less than a year later. So less than 2 years from meeting to being married, both in our 20s at the time. Next year we will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary.

OP says she felt this man was "the one" from early on. Sadly it seems he doesn't feel the same.

He has been truthful & you gave him the ultimatum. He could easily have seen this as a marriage bro g more important than actually being with him

Agree with this... Don't Marry someone who you don't have good communication with, that's the most important thing in a relationship, clear communication. Do not sign up for a life of misery with this man who has his guard up.

I've never heard such shit in my life. Are you actually trying to say that couples who are together years then get married break up more than couples who get married quickly after meeting each other. Absolute bulshit.

It took him 7 years last time? He’s avoidant and diffident and won’t take the risk again. Love him all you want but he prizes his negative feelings about marriage over your positive joy.

Whatever happens now, this has changed your relationship so fundamentally that I think you will find it hard for it to continue.

Maybe time to move on?

How did he respond when you told him you would need to split up if he didn’t agree to get engaged?

I think you are emotionally incompatible. Look up the horrors of the anxious and avoidant attachment pairing - it’s futile and unnecessary hell for both of you.

He doesn’t give you what you need in already (can’t express emotions, tell you he loves you, has his guard up) - it is impossible to have a satisfying and sustainable growing relationship with these dynamics. Don’t put yourself through anymore of this shallow puddle of a relationship. It’s one sided and you are forcing it to be something you know in your heart is not reciprocal, respectful or mutual.

We got engaged just before the 6 month mark but had been mates for 2 years, I was 30 and he was 28. I mean it’s worked out for us but hindsight is a wonderful thing. We married having been a couple for 18 months, married 27 years this June.

There's a huge difference here though. The OPs partner was abundantly clear he wasn't ready and needed more time but she still went ahead with a proposal only she wanted.

You and your DH were obviously on the same page so it worked out!

Neither is wrong, just different.

In the UK today, about 90% of couples live together before marriage, so that’s not a strong predictor.

I would also give his mum a bit of a wide berth if you do stay together.

She knows her son better than anyone and so I think it was quite cruel of her to put this idea into your head so early on.

If she genuinely felt he should propose, she should have talked to him if she absolutely had to poke her nose in, not spoken to you about it.

YABU - you had a discussion, he said he needed more time and you disregarded what he said and tried to force his hand.

Two years is not all that long in a relationship. What's the rush? Why is marriage so important?

I'm giving you statistics. Google it if you don't believe me.

Nah I see it as the opposite. The ones who fall in love so hard when they meet and want to build a life together from the get-go are going to be the ones that make good marriages.

The ones that are in a relationship where they are not sure they want to make a commitment for years, and then finally decide to get married (why, because they feel it's been long enough or they can't think of anything else to do) are the kind I would be concerned about.

Either you know you want to share your life with someone, or you know you don't. OP, he doesn't. Sorry it hurts just now but it is better than the alternative. Throw him back and find someone who commits to you and can't contemplate a life without you.

7 years is totally normal for couples who got together young.

100% agree with this, bloke getting it from all sides. 18 months in my eyes is too soon to be talking wedding chat, are you even living together.