Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

I have been with my partner for 22 years, we have a daughter who is 18. We never married. He divorced his first wife (no kids) and never wanted to get married again. I own half of the house and we have separate finances. Just protect yourself financially and don't worry about getting married.

@unmarriedandok
If you aren't married you are not officially nok and able to make decisions on health or finance if you don't have both power of attorneys in place. You may be eligible for inheritance tax when likely to be exempt if you are married. Even if you own half the house you might have to sell it to release his share of the funds or buy the estate out. Have you ensured you still have the right to live there when he passes if his will says the house has to be sold to give your child .. or anyone else.. their share. It is not just about finances to be married or not

Why is this thread still going when the OP clearly isn’t returning?

“Divorced in less than a day” dream on. 😂

"as he clearly has no interest in marrying me". Right. Why are you asking? Get rid. You have one life, don't waste your precious years with a pussy. He's just an emotional weedstain. It's not marriage that's the problem, it's his lack of a bawbag. Get out now while you are still young (I presume) and find someone to make a life with. It's not always about the zoomy feelings, you know. It's about trust and compatibility Picture you life in a wee house with dog and kids. Do you want that with someone who can't decide what shoes to wear? No, I don't think so..

I think you did the right thing op. You could have waited another 6 years for him to not ask you. At least you know. If a man wants to marry you he makes it clear.

You are posing a profound question about the nature of MN there. Maybe people continue the thread in the absence of OP because they enjoy the chat.

I think if you know you know. My DH proposed after we’d been together just under a year and a half, we were only in our early 20s. I always said I wouldn’t get married but I said yes because it felt right. We got married 2 years later and have now been married 9 years.

It doesn’t sound like he’s on the same page you are or that you’re compatible. If he agrees to get married now, would you actually want to marry him? It’s likely he’d only be agreeing to appease you and might end up resenting you/regretting it. Likewise, how would you feel if you waited until he’s ready and he never is?

I see OP hasn’t returned to this thread ? 🤔

Leave, girl. There IS a man out there who will worship you! I'm practically unlovable and yet a male model was prepared to die for me. Download bumble/hinge and don't put out until the 5th date.

Ew!

2 years is no time. No proposals here. We had a “what if” chat as we were somewhere nice that could have been a wedding venue and then eventually planned it like grown ups 8 years in. We got married after nine years together. We were young and either of us would have fled if the other one had pushed marriage 2 years in.
There’s plenty of time.

Yes, but as you said yourself, you were young. 21 and 31,say, are two different ages for women.

You were unreasonable OP. Your relationship is still quite short you've been together for less than two years. You had a conversation where he's made it clear he's not ready to even be engaged yet you sprung both a proposal and an ultimatum on him. You can't force the guy to be ready. Give him time.

In my experience if a man isn’t asking you to marry him then he doesn’t want to. I actually know a few women who took matters into their own hands like you and either got a total knock back or the man said yes when he clearly didn’t really want to and now spends the marriage having affairs.

Under 2 years together isn’t very long either. But at least you’ve found out he doesn’t actually feel the same way you do this early in.

After about 3 years with my ex I asked him why he hadn't proposed. We'd open discussed it since being together about 6 months, and I'd say things like "You do know when we get married Frank isn't invited" and "Shall we have our wedding here?" when dining at posh places and he said talk openly like he was on the same page as me.

I asked him in an open relaxed chat, where he knew there was no judgement, how come he hadn't proposed, and he said he just needed to be sure.And it just dawned on me one day that he wasn't waiting to be sure, he was just drifting on waiting for it to be right. He loved me, sure, but he was waiting for some great epiphany where he'd know it was definitely right, which was never going to happen, so the status quo wouldn't have ever changed. I'd have been in my 80s still waiting for him to "be sure".

He doesn't want to marry you.
If you're that consumed by the thought of marriage, go look elsewhere.
Why are you trying to cajole someone into a marriage?
Do you really think either of you will be happy?

This is so difficult, OP. You’ll get a lot of people saying this means he’ll never marry you or that he’s not serious about you — but it might be that his idea of marriage/commitment is different to yours.

FWIW, my DH and I have both been married before. I proposed to him relatively early on in our relationship and he said no. Like you, I was mortified and embarrassed — but he had his reasons. I could, I suppose, have issued an ultimatum but after some soul searching, I decided we loved each other and that was enough for me/ultimately more important than marriage. We did eventually get married — at his suggestion (although mainly for practical reasons!) — about ten years into the relationship.

Of course, for me it was second time around — so I’d already done the whole church/white wedding thing — and perhaps that made it easier to accept the idea of not needing a marriage certificate to validate our relationship (I’m not saying that’s how you view it; I think it’s how I viewed it though).

Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you — but I would say two years isn’t that long in the overall scheme of things.

Two years is not that long. I feel like you have rushed this. Is it a biological clock issue? I can see why you are mortified. Very uncomfortable to carry on like this.