Walking alone at night

[LeaveMeBee]

Question.
Because I am trying to understand if AIBU.... I have been dating someone for 3 years. He quite frequently lets me walk alone in the dark through cut-throughs.. Doesn't offer to see me home safe (it would add about five minutes extra walking to his journey to do so) and I've just had a situation where I've made some comments about it and we had a few cross words.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable because "not all men".. Whereas I think, why would he not want to see me home safe?

So it's like if we've been to a restaurant and then walked back and we get to a certain point where his place is in one direction and mine is in the other.. And rather than see me home, he'll just say goodbye and see me off alone.

I want a partner to be protective and chivalrous... He seems to think I enjoy being strong and independent, but it's because I have no choice but to be!

I don't mean to sound like a princess. I am just taken aback when he doesn't offer to walk me back. It doesn't feel like he's wanting to be protective or like he cares about my well-being.

Were you able to get yourself home at night without excess anxiety when you were single? I was, throughout most of my 20s in London, so when I went on dates it didn't occur to me that anything should be different or that this should be a litmus test. If a man had tried to "insist" on walking me home I would probably have thought I was more in danger from him than by myself.

I've never wanted a man to be my chivalrous protector though, I'd find that incredibly suffocating. I don't "see myself" as strong and independent - I actually am both.

What’s misogynistic about expecting a grown adult to get themselves home?

I have a spray called K9 it was recommended on MN as a dog deterrent. I got it from Amazon. I always carry it in my pocket when out with my little dog in case a larger dog goes for him. It’s basically Citronella which dogs don’t like. I can imagine sprayed ‘accidentally’ into the eyes of a would be attacker it wouldn’t be pleasant.

You misunderstand. The misogyny is a cohort of men who delight in weaponising equality, punishing women for their independence and equal status by withdrawing any form of consideration from them. I'm a woman, but I'd go out of my way to drop a friend off so she didn't have to walk home in the dark. I think most decent people of both sexes would offer this. When men make a point of not, they are sending the message that this is what equality looks like, so you should have thought about it before wanting your rights.

I'd rather walk alone than get into a car with a strange man at night.

Basic manners.

As for NAMALT is he thick, obtuse or actively negligent? It only takes one.

My ex was fine with me walking across a city centre at midnight to fetch the car and bring it back to the pub we were in. I should have seen this as the warning it was rather than wasting the next few years with someone who came up short in so many other ways too. Any man who cares would want you to be safe and would offer, it is then up to the individual to choose whether they think it is necessary.

Have you asked him to walk you home? Has he said no?
If it would really only add 5 extra minutes to his journey, then that logically means you only live 2.5 minutes from whwrw he leaves you. Is it that big of a deal? That being said, ive never been with someone who would have not walked me home. I assume your are upset about his apparent lack of natural desire to protect you. Ask him.

This.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

He does have some opposing views that have left me wondering if he even likes women much at all.

Hmmm food for thought

But again, how is it weaponising equality to treat everyone equally? It would never occur to me to walk a grown adult home in the evening - I’d offer a lift if I was driving but otherwise I would assume they’d make their own way back.

Because affording people equality doesn't mean treating everyone exactly the same. It means accepting that no one is superior or should have more rights than anyone else, while accepting that for various reasons, some people may be, or feel, more vulnerable than others.
My 85 year old neighbour is my equal. However, she would be more vulnerable opening her door to a stranger than I would, so I might go for her.
I am my partners equal, but if there was an attacker in the park, he would be better equipped to defend us than I would alone.
My friend has been the victim of racist harassment. She doesn't like walking through a certain area alone so I walk with her.
The majority of decent people do these things for others, it's a societal norm. Where a man chooses to deviate from it by not even offering, he's usually making a point. Not always. Sometimes he might simply be inconsiderate and uncaring.

I would get an uber or taxi if single though. I wouldn't expect to spend the money if home was within walking distance and if I was out with a man who only lived a couple of minutes walk away from me though.

Could he be worried for his own safety at all, OP? Men are also at risk of violence but usually don't want to admit to nervousness. Obviously they'd probably be more evenly matched if a fight arose though, compared to a woman.
If you want him to walk you home, he should. It's odd that he doesn't think to do it. And a bit lazy.

Not all men.
But how are we supposed to know which ones?

FFS 😡Have a day off, will ya?

I definitely think it stems from laziness. He's a pretty lazy guy, which is a learning curve for me as I'm used to men that are hard-working and active.

He does have some opposing views that have left me wondering if he even likes women much at all.

I mean forget him not walking you home - this is all you need to knock this one on the head.

This!!

I despair of how some people use / understand data. If women adopted the exact same lack of self care men do, then we could compare the data. As we don’t, we can’t.

I am a lesbian but this would totally put me off a man if I wasn't.

If I go to my local pub, one of the fellas who drinks in there will walk me home-some of them I class as friends some acquaintances but none of them are obligated as I would argue a boyfriend is! They are just decent people who want to make sure I am safe.

YANBU and he is being a dick IMO.

Perhaps he honestly thinks you want to be entirely independent and are not worried by it. Have you actually told him you don't like it, don't feel safe and would prefer he walked with you? Any bloke I went out with would be quickly aware that I'd expect him to walk me home or I'd call a cab. I don't see how you can be 3 years in with him not understanding your wishes.

Not a gentleman..

Women have never been safe walking home at night, but violence on women is getting worse.
How would he feel if he didn't walk you home and this happened.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czxe0pnydz9o

Id be scared of getting in an Uber with a man in my own.

It’s nothing to do with chivalry or being a gentleman, it’s all to do with safety. I wouldn’t think much to him not caring about me getting home safely