Walking alone at night

[LeaveMeBee]

Question.
Because I am trying to understand if AIBU.... I have been dating someone for 3 years. He quite frequently lets me walk alone in the dark through cut-throughs.. Doesn't offer to see me home safe (it would add about five minutes extra walking to his journey to do so) and I've just had a situation where I've made some comments about it and we had a few cross words.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable because "not all men".. Whereas I think, why would he not want to see me home safe?

So it's like if we've been to a restaurant and then walked back and we get to a certain point where his place is in one direction and mine is in the other.. And rather than see me home, he'll just say goodbye and see me off alone.

I want a partner to be protective and chivalrous... He seems to think I enjoy being strong and independent, but it's because I have no choice but to be!

I don't mean to sound like a princess. I am just taken aback when he doesn't offer to walk me back. It doesn't feel like he's wanting to be protective or like he cares about my well-being.

Maybe, but I've enough experience of men trying to insist on walking me home to know that it's not always easy to assert the right to make my own choices and risk assessments.

The OP wants him to walk her home though, so it’s not the same thing.

He’s not the one for you. Regardless of who is more likely to come a cropper statistically, this is a metaphor for wanting to feel loved and cared for. He doesn’t make you feel like that. Goodbye to him.

Not a man you have been in a relationship for 3 years though I'm willing to bet! The OP has been with this bloke for 3 years, He's not some random trying to force her to walk to her home with him! And as a pp said, the OP WANTS him to walk her to her door!

If a man I had been with for 3 years constantly let me walk home alone in the dark, he would be showing me who he is. An uncaring selfish individual who would be dumped ASAP.

Actually it's a moot point as he wouldn't have lasted 3 months, or even 3 weeks!

.

This is it really

I don't generally bother with men

If I'm going to, then it has to be one who is okay with doing stuff like this.

I would not walk in a town at night alone, would not want any of my grown kids to, 2f,2m. But I would expect my sons to make sure that any females were seen safely home by some means.
OP if you feel unsafe please stop putting yourself through this, factor in getting yourself home safely always. Never "cut through " whatever that means. Ditch the selfish bf you deserve better.

Even my old company I worked late for on occasion at used to supply taxi's home because they didn't want their staff walking home past 11pm.

It's just being caring? Feeling valued?

Is it a route/time of night you would walk alone if coming home after an evening out with friends, rather than your boyfriend? If so, I don't see the point of him walking you home.

DH never walked me home after a night out when we were dating. It's not something I felt I needed or would have wanted, so I can't remember if I told him it was unnecessary or if he didn't offer/didn't occur to me. These days I don't go out socialising late very often but sometimes I'll go to a shop around 9-10pm and it wouldn't bother me to do that alone, and it wouldn't be practical for him to come with me as we have dcs at home. You just have to get on with it sometimes, and not going out after dark on your own certainly isn't an option when you're picking up dcs from school in December.

He's generally quite chivalrous, will carry bags, always paid on dates and has had no issues being the sole breadwinner the whole time we've been married.

I am really surprised at some of these responses. I would not go out with someone who didn't walk me to my door if it was only a few minutes away and it was late at night.

I have never had to "get on with it" and walk around in the dark late at night.

Statistically, men are more likely to be attacked than women.

As I said, people have different needs. Perhaps if she wants that kind of man she needs to find someone she's more compatible with.

I think it sounds like you're just basically incompatible. You want something he's not willing to give so you either suck it up or dump him and move on.

It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me - I'm quite happy walking home by myself but I live in a small safe town. If it's a dealbreaker for you then dump him 🤷‍♀️

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Ditch him.
If he's not concerned about your safety now, it doesn't bode well for the future.
No man worth his salt lets his girlfriend walk home alone at night after being with him.

I would have no interest in being ‘walked home’ because as a grown woman I don’t need a chaperone at night. But obviously if you want ‘chivalry’ then he isn’t the man for you.

Also, are you’ve been together for three years and you still go home separately after every date? You don’t spend the night together? Where’s the relationship going, exactly?

and women are more likely to be raped.

Then you have made the choice to limit yourself. It is well known that in adolescence, boys' worlds expand while girls' worlds shrink, and anyone who is teaching their sons and daughters that it is the boys' responsibility to 'see the girls home safely' is contributing to this.
Bad things happen sometimes, and the world is not without risk, but a fear of violent attack that is way out of proportion with the actual risks is weaponised against women. Chivalry is not about respecting women but about keeping us in our place, and so for me would be a red flag in a relationship.

3 years is a very long time. He isn’t going to change and give you what you need

It depends on where you live and how safe the area is.
If the area is dodgy I doubt you would find it suffocating for a long-term boyfriend to walk you home. He's just showing OP she's not worth it in his mind.
A man who takes his gf for granted after 3 years is not a keeper.

YANBU leave him.

It’s an issue for you so this relationship will struggle.

I’ve always been very confident walking alone at night. I grew up in a village with only two streetlights at the time and friends’ houses and the sports club etc were all down dark unlit lanes. So I wouldn’t think twice about walking home alone these days as where I live has streetlights til midnight.

But it’s a dealbreaker for you so end it .

(Just to add, in case anyone jumps on my post and points this out, I do not currently leave the house due to mh issues but I’m talking about prior to those).

Baloney.
I walked girlfriends home after a disco once at 2am and was fine until I was on my own for the last 500m when a lone man out on the prowl decided I was fair game.
I was lucky I started to run before he did.
It's the only reason I made it to my home.

Yes, a man could well be called controlling or patronising if he suggests a woman can't do whatever a man can. I've seen some people complain if a man gives up his seat for a woman, and other women moan if they don't. Many women are stronger than a lot of men, and a criminologist friend tells me that there are more attacks on lone men, in our area anyway, which surprised me as we don't tend to talk about that. If you ask anyone (man or woman) to support or help you, that's one thing, but it's not up to any adult to tell anyone they're dating what to do.