Walking alone at night

[LeaveMeBee]

Question.
Because I am trying to understand if AIBU.... I have been dating someone for 3 years. He quite frequently lets me walk alone in the dark through cut-throughs.. Doesn't offer to see me home safe (it would add about five minutes extra walking to his journey to do so) and I've just had a situation where I've made some comments about it and we had a few cross words.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable because "not all men".. Whereas I think, why would he not want to see me home safe?

So it's like if we've been to a restaurant and then walked back and we get to a certain point where his place is in one direction and mine is in the other.. And rather than see me home, he'll just say goodbye and see me off alone.

I want a partner to be protective and chivalrous... He seems to think I enjoy being strong and independent, but it's because I have no choice but to be!

I don't mean to sound like a princess. I am just taken aback when he doesn't offer to walk me back. It doesn't feel like he's wanting to be protective or like he cares about my well-being.

Tiny numbers of women are SA by strangers walking home. It happens, but the risk in minute compared to the risk to men from strangers.

And you've been with that dickhead for 3 YEARS? I wouldn't be with that dumb-dumb for 3 minutes!

No, no, you wanted to compare risk by sex so please tell. Do you think the op is concerned about getting into a scrap on her way home or that as a woman she has v different fears?

Sorry i think YABU

I’m also 5ft. If i feel unsafe, i would find another way to get home, not walk. I navigated this fine for the whole 27 years of my life before i met DH, including moving to a foreign country by myself for a time.

And can we please have some categorisation of the assault and the amount of harm caused, and whether the assault could have been prevented by, for example, not carrying an iPhone or wearing a Rolex, as opposed to not having a vagina?

A decent man would take this risk.

Do you encourage the women in your life to walk men home for their protection?

I would feel really infantilised if my partner treated me like I couldn’t get myself home without him by my side.

It's an interesting discussion because most seem to believe the idea that a woman shoukd never be "allowed" to walk home alone is correct, and on an individual basis, most people holding that view are probably well meaning.

But, what it actually does, on a societal level, is control women and restrict their lives and freedoms, in a way that men don't experience, despite also facing risk.

But its ok for him to walk home alone after accompanying you, youre a big girl am sure you can manage. I walk home most nights alone , stick to well lit roads , youll be fine

I think you’ve summed it up really well - I find it really uncomfortable that so many women feel as though other women need to be escorted everywhere for their own safety.

The risk isn't higher for men. There are just more attacks on men because they walk around late at night much more than women.

He doesn’t care. Why are you wasting time on him?
you shouldn’t even have to ask?!

Do you really think that women should be accompanied everywhere by a man after a certain time of day? And that this should happen even if they don’t want it to?

And that it's perfectly right and proper for men to "insist" on walking home women who are happy to go alone.

OP does want him to, that's what the thread is about.

It's a bit of a leap to think that anyone who thinks he should wants all women accompanied at all times even against their will.

I know she does. But my point is that it shouldn’t be something that men insist on by default - if she wants to be walked home then she should ask, not expect him to do it automatically.

Exactly, the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want or need to be accompanied by a man when I’m walking back to my own house.

Personally I think if someone doesn’t feel safe walking home alone then they need to arrange a taxi or drive themselves, not depend on a bloke to chauffeur them about like they’re incapable.

This is not great. Even male friends would walk me home / walk me to a taxi rank and make sure I got it etc.

You don’t have to walk through dark cut outs alone - that’s your choice. But his dismissiveness of your safety doesn’t bode well imo.

I often hear this stat and while true it’s meaningless. It ignored that women often change out behaviour to reduce the risk of harm while out and about while men tend not to.

If both genders acted identically I bet the stats would look dramatically different.

It’s like when people in the US argue that more children are harmed in swimming pools than by guns. I think people take more care when around the latter than the former.

My dh would’ve made sure he walked we me home. Even if we’re out now if we walk past rowdy people late at night, he’ll move to the other side and put his arm around me. He’s 6ft ex rugby player so can certainly look after himself more then I could.
I’m a very independent woman but I’ll risk assess a situation and usually opt for a taxi if I’m on my own and would feel unsafe.

Men insisting on anything is a turn off.
But a man saying "would you like me to walk you home, it's only five minutes?" is a pretty nice thing to say. There's not that many men I know who wouldn't offer that at least once.

I think it’s well intentioned but it’s also part of a bigger picture where women aren’t seen as being capable of doing things alone.

I know I should be able to walk home at night on my own, and I mostly do. But it’s still scary.

It’s built in for me to be on guard and alert and the relief is palpable when home. That’s just the truth of it and I’d welcome my partner offering to walk me home.
I bet he has no idea😣

I think it’s really sad that so many women feel this way.

You couldn't be less well matched. You have a traditional view of the male role as chivalrous protector, he is clearly a man who's from the 'you wanted equality, see how you like them onions' school of misogyny. This won't work.