Walking alone at night

[LeaveMeBee]

Question.
Because I am trying to understand if AIBU.... I have been dating someone for 3 years. He quite frequently lets me walk alone in the dark through cut-throughs.. Doesn't offer to see me home safe (it would add about five minutes extra walking to his journey to do so) and I've just had a situation where I've made some comments about it and we had a few cross words.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable because "not all men".. Whereas I think, why would he not want to see me home safe?

So it's like if we've been to a restaurant and then walked back and we get to a certain point where his place is in one direction and mine is in the other.. And rather than see me home, he'll just say goodbye and see me off alone.

I want a partner to be protective and chivalrous... He seems to think I enjoy being strong and independent, but it's because I have no choice but to be!

I don't mean to sound like a princess. I am just taken aback when he doesn't offer to walk me back. It doesn't feel like he's wanting to be protective or like he cares about my well-being.

My dd, 27, independent, hard working, streetwise young lady is more than capable of getting herself home safely, either by car or uber. However, if she’s out with her bf they stick together and if they are on public transport they either come back here together or go back to his together.

@HippityHoppityHay I suspect your bf won’t turn into a prince, but I’m most perplexed that after three years you go your separate ways after a night out. Perhaps frogs aren’t nice to kiss.

Please raise your bar.

I wouldn't continue seeing a man who was too lazy to see me safely home. 'Not All Men' is a stupid excuse, because it takes only one bad man to ruin or end your life.

My husband,sons and SIL would always ensure my safety wherever i am . Women are very vulnerable out alone wherever they are…it’s a fact !

He sounds like a really uncaring selfish laxy sh*t tbh. Women are more vulnerable walking alone at night, anyone who says different is lying, all women know this whether they admit it or not. Get rid asap

Depends- early dates, I might not be ready to let them know where I live. After 3 years, I'd expect to be staying over either him with me or me at his.

I'm always surprised when people do offer to see me home, though.

Walking alone at night has never bothered me and I can honestly say I never give it a second thought. I often finish work at midnight and go for a walk when I get home to clear my head if it’s been a busy shift. I’d be more bothered if my partner insisted that he escort me home BUT it bothers you and your partner seems indifferent to your needs.

you’ve been together a long time so it’s doubtful he’s going to change his ways to it’s your decision if it’s a deal breaker or not
why is this only being noticed 3 years in though or id this a long standing discussion?
If you don’t like the walk home could you arrange a taxi home from nights out?

Does he not even offer? I’d find that very unattractive. I do a tough job and am fit and strong for my size but realistically I’d be no match for the average man if he was determined to get something from me and anyone who thinks otherwise hasn’t physically fought many men.

There is nothing to can think of that would ever make me walk alone anywhere late at night, let alone through quiet cut throughs. It’s different nowadays because I drive everywhere if I’m out at night, but If there was no alternative, then I would get a cab. When I was younger and dating boyfriends, I absolutely expected them to make sure I got home safely.

Interesting responses, thanks all.

I do obviously spend the night there at times, but not often now though due to work/childcare commitments. (We each have children from a previous relationship)

I commented on the fact he wasn't going to walk me and he then said he would because I was guilt tripping him... I was saying but if you don't actually want to/see the need to, don't just do it because you know I've got the hump that you don't.

It's not a new issue. There are not many instances where I'm seeing him and then going alone at night, but I am still irritated that he doesn't WANT to walk me back when this situation occurs.

As I said, it's not a long walk (in which case I'd get a cab anyway) but the fact it's a few minutes out of his way and he doesn't see it as necessary.. I find quite surprising.

Whilst I am capable of being a strong independent woman, I do also find it attractive when a man holds a door/carries bags etc...I think they're attractive qualities.

Exactly. It's a stupid phrase anyway because women arent attacked or raped or murdered by "all men" are they? it only takes one bad man, of which there are multiple examples to choose from, sadly.

Dump this jerk. It's deeply off putting that he doesnt seem remotely bothered by your welfare or safety.

Hope you are ready when he is attacked after walking you home because that’s still way more likely than you being attacked even if you are more afraid

This is ridiculous.

So you think I should be escorting him home? 🤣

If he walked you home through the cut throughs then he'd have to walk back through them by himself.. is his safety less important?

Its 5 mins away from where he leaves her. 5 mins. And Yes it is dangerous for a woman to walk alone in the dark. Telling you as you dont seem to know.

Well logically yes if you ware worried about street violence it makes sense to protect the most vulnerable

look at the data

The women that are raped/ attacked / at night, are attacked by men.
So there's a huge difference between a man walking alone at night, and a woman walking alone at night.. if you really don't know this then check the crime statistics, youd be shocked.

This is my point.

I am just shy of 5ft ... My partner is 6ft 1" and a big build... I suspect he's going to be far more likely to be able to physically defend himself than I am.

I don’t know how I feel about this. I walk alone in the dark quite often and because it’s a big city, I just don’t feel unsafe in any way. I’d only feel unsafe if I was walking through dodgy underpasses or snickets but I wouldn’t do this! He should probably offer I guess but maybe he doesn’t want to patronise you.

I’ve just been discussing this with my husband and his best friend. They agreed that they would take that risk every time to protect the women they love. I would say that’s quite a standard position for a decent man.

His safety is inherently higher given their size and sex differences.

Straight men very rarely get raped by strangers walking home and there's a reason why boxing is split by sex.

OP this would be a deal breaker for me in a long term relationship.

I don't have a problem walking home alone, but I also don't know any men who are comfortable to "let" me.

Which is weird really because we're happy to "let" them and statistically they're much more likely to be harmed by a stranger than we are.

Perhaps more likely to be punched in the face by another male. Significantly less likely to be sexually assaulted / raped / killed by one though..

That's not true though. Far more men are killed by strangers than women are. Yes, men are a much bigger threat to women overall, but not men we don't know. And the single punch can be a killer.

It's that he is simply not what you are looking for.
I am happy to walk myself, others aren't, what we need are partners on a same page.

Statistically, iirc, I am more likely to be attacked by DH at home than randomer on a street, so I go with that. Dh has it the other way around. But that's me and not others. It's quite personal choice.

And how many men are sexually assaulted by strangers (read: men) in comparison to women please?