Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

Er, I wouldn't be letting her pull out now. If she's part of a dance there are other people relying on her. The time to say this was weeks ago. She can't let the rest of the team down.

I would respect her decision but say “well we will go along and see how you feel there, if you don’t want to perform that’s fine you can sit with me and cheer on your friends”

watching it this year may also help her with future shows as sometimes it’s the unknown that’s scary.

No, she needs to do it. Can't pull out at this short notice.

She should go come out because otherwise she's letting the rest of her class down, wasting everyone's time and your money.

Tell her she has to do it and then she can just stop gymnastics afterwards.

YABU for punishing her by taking away her devices. That’s not really accepting of her choice is it?

I agree that she needs to do it.

I am sorry to be blunt but you are behaving very badly.
If you want to put on a leotard and prance about in front of an audience then crack on but punishing your poor daughter because she doesn’t want to do so is just awful.
Thank god for her dad.
Does he know you intend to punish her?
I would be furious with you if I were him.

I also think she shouldn't be allowed to pull out this late. And you've paid for costume etc. If she goes and does it, she'll probably be really proud afterwards and feel good about herself. And if she's not nervous but doesn't want to "show off," she needed to decide that weeks ago. She can't let people down and waste money without a good reason.

This is the best option.

Saying you respect her decision then punishing her is just confusing, inconsistent and not particularly supportive.

Try to remember that this is for her, not you.

Perhaps she is someone who doesn't like performance, which is fine. I think letting her sit and watch this time would be good.

What's all this talk about respecting the decisions of a 7-year-old? With what she wants to wear and small stuff like that, sure, but not something like this when she's made a commitment and money has been spent. That's the whole point about children - they have no idea what's good for them or what's acceptable behaviour! If she overcomes any nerves, she'll feel a sense of mastery.

Then why has she been going along with it for so long???

Could you go as audience members instead? She might be nervous and this might demystify it a bit. Definitely don't force her to do it as if she's feeling anxious it could develop into stage fright. Oh and a huge no to taking away her devices. You would be punishing her for having autonomy over her own body.

My dd says that phrase a lot too, she "doesn't like showing off".

In our case we don't push her to do any clubs that are performance based. If I were you I'd ask your dd if she'd like to stop doing gymnastics altogether and swap it for something like swimming, football or art classes (or whatever she'd rather do). Edit - or try clip and climbing, as that's similar-ish to gymnastics without the performance.

My own dd does enjoy doing tricks on gymnastics equipment but hell would freeze over before she did a show in front of parents with a leotard on. There's no way we could make her unless we physically pulled her limbs. She'd have just frozen to the spot crying if it was my dd.

All the pp saying you should have made her do it - they don't have a kid like this probably.

No. They seem to have come out of the blue, there's something else going on.

I agree with this.
Take along the things, talk to the teacher and see if she changes her mind. If not, you sit together and watch.

I don’t understand why you would ban her from stuff today, OP. How does that connect?

Where did she get the showing off bit from? Her dad? It's not showing off and I'd be wondering what the underlying issue was and pissed off with dad for supporting that perspective. Is she never going to perform in public ever again?! So I would be gently trying to get to the bottom of what she's actually feeling, nervous? I'd also take her anyway and say if she doesn't want to do it that's fine but have a chat with the coach first before you decide. But also, did you ask her before you paid? If you did and she said yes then that's a commitment. If she wasn't asked that's more of a reason to pull out.

Learning to perform is a really useful skill and many children feel terrified at the idea. But it helps when they get older - scared of an interview ? Pull out those performance skills

rather than punish I would have done encouragement - “oh but we already bought the tickets “ “ok next time we won’t do the show “

Why is ahe being punished because of your disappointment?

My DS gets very nervous before his karate gradings and says he doesn’t want to go, but then he’s absolutely buzzing afterwards. You need to teach her that nerves about a performance are completely normal. I wouldn’t be letting her skip it.

she’s nervous really isn’t she, which is normal, but ideally you don’t want her to learn that avoidance is a good strategy (especially when commitments have been made, money paid) if there’s something you’re nervous about, because you want her to see that being nervous is ok and manageable and you can still do things and they’ll go fine.
id tell her this time she needs to do it but if she doesn’t want to continue after she can quit.

Obviously caveat if she becomes hugely distressed etc that’s different

So she didn't even go?

I would have made her go. Purely from the point of view that I'd spent they money on tickets/costumes whatever. You don't pay out money to then decide you won't go.

It's just not the same as a work presentation or interview though.

My dd has no problem doing a show and tell type talk on something she's prepared (say, a research thing on dinosaurs, or presenting something she's crafted). But singing, acting, etc in front of an audience - no way, she'd have a meltdown to avoid that.

My dh is the same as an adult, you'd think he's very shy but has no problem with frequent presentations at work because they're technical.

Giving a technical presentation/interview at work and performing a dance in a leotard are just not remotely similar psychologically.

Because kids don't know themselves very well and she probably wants to try and fit in with her friends? How would you feel now as an adult about a physical performance in something you think are not very good at in front of your colleagues?

This.

Also why does she equate "being in a show" with "showing off"? That doesn't seem very healthy.