Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

My youngest son won't even do a class assembly, my other son is always up front and centre taking lead roles etc. I think it's fine to not be someone who wants to perform. Pressuring her might put her off gymnastics all together.
She is 7 so plenty of time to work up to it.
However, the issue here is the last minute pull out and letting others down. I would focus on that, explaining this is where the issue is, that she needs to be honest before the show next time so that everyone can adjust accordingly.

I’m very much of the opinion that once you have committed to do something you do it and I have instilled this in my daughter.
You don’t pull put of something last minute (unless emergency/health issue) and you certainly don’t let someone down because you get a better offer.

This is a group performance-if half the kids decide they don’t ’want to show off’ where does that leave the other half?
Its Not fair when there will have been so much work put into it.

I wouldn't be letting her just pull out. She at least needs to get her costume on and turn up to give it a try.

This is a really good idea. I don't know why I didn't think of this. Yes, I was also annoyed that she would be confusing the others as they've been practicing for weeks in advance. I did a lot of dance as a kid and remember the confusion last minute absences made.

This is what I’d do

I also agree with @Sirzyin that you should have gone to the performance to see how she felt when she was there and to watch.

I actually agree with you taking the screens away for the day she should have been there at the performance. She should have been doing something productive and not lying around the place watching YouTube. It’s not so much a punishment as a redirection of how her time should be spent. If she’s not doing something useful outside her r the house she can at least do it at home.

I mean, he's at the gym , so that's part of the problem I think. I get easily angry because I'm struggling with the lack of sleep from the toddler and then make silly decisions that I later regret because I'm not thinking things through properly. I'm mad at myself

No, she'd be going. The time to refuse is before she agreed to go, practiced with the others and you paid etc. if she hates it, you know for next time.
It's normal to be nervous - all that means is she cares about it.

I had similar with one of mine but it was playing a musical instrument. He was doing a duet with a little girl. They were seven and definitely got the cute vote. Little boy who looked like the milky bar kid with a pretty little girl. They were both doing well with their music. Teacher persuaded him to do it, on the day he didn't want to but was guilted into it.

They did brilliantly and at the end of the show he told the teacher he was never going to play that instrument again. He didn't. No amount of persuasion or coaxing did any good.

Sometimes you need to listen to kids.

I'd still make her go and just sit and watch. Then she can see all her friends having fun and maybe she'll want to join in next year.

If she said she was doing it then refused on the day after you bought tickets and paid for the costume etc... then yes I'd be annoyed.

A 7 year old should absolutely NOT be watching YouTube!! I hope you are sitting with her at all times as just a few clicks and she can access massively inappropriate material.

7 year olds shouldn't be having more than an hour a day on a screen. Perhaps use the gymnastics performance and having a go at other things to earn screen time and treat it as a privilege.

My 10 year old has always had to earn screen time by doing other activities. Piano, kick boxing, dance, language learning etc...

I think it's fine for her to say she doesn't want to do it, but not after you've committed to it by buying tickets etc.

This time she does it.

And of course she shouldn't need to stop gymnastics because she doesn't want to do a show. It's good exercise and may lead to other things (pole vault?) It's about learning that once you've committed to something you do it.

Does her not going actually leave anyone in the lurch?

Did she express hesitancy before but you just assumed she’d be ok?

I do believe children participating in sport/activities should be for enjoyment so if it’s not hurting anyone else I’d suck up my disappointment. I certainly wouldn’t punish her.

My DD is 7, and has done gymnastics (through choice) since 3. They have a similar set up, closed gym, but 2 in house ''competitions"/galas (DD is in the development squad so they do 2 friendly competitive ones, I believe the rec classes do one comp and one that is more of a show).

She loves gymnastics, but does get nervous before comps. She would more than happily not go morning of, but is always so proud of herself after the event and can't wait for the next one. And then repeat. I think with her it stems from low self esteem/high levels of perfectionism and not feeling good enough, and fear of failing/getting it wrong.

Now granted, as others have said, there is no obligation on my DD to do gymnastics (now or in later life) and it's not the same as a technical presentation at work, but the feelings of nerves are universal, and if this isn't a long standing hatred of performing (and even if it is) I would be saying we're going along to watch so she can see how she feels when we're there. Are the coaches supportive? Are are well used to nerves and tears on comp days, and the head coach, who is super lovely, is very good at scooping then up and taking them off to get ready, they use the older girls to help in the younger grades to join in and support the younger ones who are nervous, they will do the routine at the edge of the mat for anyone who is scared they'll forget, are on hand to prompt if needed etc. Obviously they don't force anyone who really doesn't want to do it, but knowing how to conquer nerves is a learnt (and transferrable) skill!

Doing gymnastics weekly is valuable in and of itself. Performance and competition are separate factors. As is parental disappointment at not being able to see what's been happening.
This is a learning opportunity for a 7 year old not a punishable offense!
Respect her decision and encourage her to watch the display with you.

Yeah I’m sure he’s furious whilst he’s checked out at the gym 🙄

OP I see you’ve gone with a really sensible suggestion from another poster which is what I would do - go along, watch, see how she feels. Everyone gets nervous, explain it’s normal.

For future reference, I talk to my kids a lot about commitment. If they want to join a group or sign up for a performance, we discuss what that means. Often a financial commitment but also a commitment to other attendees and the teacher. They don’t have to do the activity, but if they choose to do the activity, they need to understand and accept what that involves. 7 is definitely old enough to do this.

Hope all goes well.

I wouldn’t turn it into a big deal. In the grand scheme of things it’s not important, so I wouldn’t be forcing her. Some people want to perform, others don’t.

Who has been telling her that she's a show-off and that it's a bad thing to do/be?

Also just to add there's no leotard involved as a few posts have mentioned. She has a costume which is full length leggings, sparkle grip shoes, skirt and sparkly top

don’t want to show off - this can point to a reflex to make yourself smaller and not shine bright and not offend anyone by being seen.

Take her to watch the show and see what happens. Instead of punishing not doing it can you reward her if she takes part?

Probably because she heard ‘this is your opportunity to show off what you’ve learnt to your parents’ which is a normal turn of phrase in these kind of events.

Actually that’s a good point - telling girls not to show off is deeply misogynistic and a way to stop them developing their full potential

Punishing her for not want to go on stage in front of an audience is disgraceful on your side, so pleased she has her father on on her side. She is 7yrs old, you where spiteful for removing her devicesl and didn't take her feelings into consideration. Dont be surprised if she goes to her father when she has strong emotions in future, she will not trust you to have her back,

Your daughter is nervous. Has she participated in the show before or is this the first time? Nerves are perfectly normal, and understandable. You need to have a talk with her about the feelings of nerves, tell her you will speak to the teacher and also explain that by pulling out she will be missing out.

You can't force her to take part but she needs to change into her costume and go along. There's going to be times in the future when she may need to read out loud in front of the whole class, for example...she won't be able to refuse, it will be expected. It's a good learning curve, to realise that sometimes you have to do things.

I agree with @Sassylovesbooks. Also what impact will it have on the other performers? Seeing it as showing off is seeing only one very small part of this (which is understandable at 7 but you can explain the other aspects). People take pleasure from watching performers. People have paid for the show and her fellow performers presumably expect her to be there so there are commitments to other people involved. Can you present it to her on that basis (if you haven’t already)?

Take her along and watch the show. Once she sees her friends in their costume she may change her mind.
but she should support them at least and pulling out at this late stage is something she should learn had an impact on others