Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

Never playing an instrument again because he was made to honour his commitment is an insane over-reaction. That kind of stubbornness is indeed a personality flaw. Kids do have personalities, you know, with flaws, just like adults. I bet he's grown into a stubborn man!

"How dare you' - jesus, calm down!

The choice she makes today will influence further choices down the line. Every time she drops out when things get a little nerve-racking makes it more likely she'll drop out again next time. Every time she feels the fear and does it anyway makes it easier for her to do the same next time. You cannot force her to participate, but you can certainly force her to go along and watch the show. And then cancel gymnastics.

Children, or adults, can enjoy an activity but not want to be part of a display or competition.

Children can agree to something to please a parent, or a teacher, or from peer pressure but when push comes to shove can’t bring themselves to follow through.

This little girl is 7.

If she was a teenager who had begged to be able to compete or take part in a display and understood it cost money and that she had made a irrevocable commitment and her stepping back would be to the detriment of her team mates then I would fully agree with the OP but this is not the case here.

I have seen so many parents like this at horse shows or pony club and it never ends well.

Yes they are all really lovely there. She did the show last year and they have the coaches and older teens at the front doing the dance so they can follow incase they forget and the coaches and squad (she isn't in the squad) do more of the fancy stuff and the rest showcase in a group together what they've been learning, like bunny hops on the low bean etc.

Re. your first para. You must have the patience of a saint. Many young people sound really fussy these days - I don't think I could deal with it.

She is 7. This is a lesson in stepping up for your friends and gymnastics team. Teaching her she can opt out is not a great life lesson.
I'd go anyway with her, she's likely to change her mind once she sees friends taking part.

but sports are also there to be watched!

Think of all the kids (or: boys because opting out of being seen is often a female thing) who want their parents to watch their football matches?

She goes and does it or she doesn't go to gymnastics anymore.

But as she's committed, she's going she can tell her teacher if she doesn't want to perform.

I'd of course let her opt out nect time before committing and if in any way you pushed her to sign up to the competition and she didn't want to then yabvu to pressure her.

There is a massive difference though. Hence the kinder approaches suggested to see which it is and to avoid panic attacks and full on phobia.

In reality there are hundreds of judgement calls like this throughout parenting and we'll not get it right every single time.

Yes, we don't want to raise someone to be an adult who lets people down last minute and never challenges themselves. Neither do we want to raise an adult who has never felt listened to nor that their choices ought to have value.

It's important to note that this decision over the show will not lead to one or the other, it is all the myriad tiny choices across someone's youth that help shape them.

I actually think the thing that is the issue here is that your DH has agreed with DD, given her a free pass on opting out on difficult things and then fucked off to the gym, leaving you to parent and try to explain why it would probably have been a good thing to go...

I used to throw up at school shows and never got a lot of support or understanding, so I see it from both sides but the inconsistency of parenting expectations doesn't help here.

A gymnastics show does not consist of just two people!

Your son's feelings were valid but he should have made them clear a lot earlier, and not agreed to perform the duet, practised with his duet partner and then tried to let her down at the last minute.

I find it very hard to believe that a children's performance had understudies who had practised with the duet performers and could step in at the last minute without disadvantaging the remaining duet player.

Hi @Runnermumof2 I think it looks like the show has already happened so recent posts aren't valid. Don't be cross with yourself - you're tired and it's constant learning what to do. It's so so hard with a toddler on top of a 7 yo.
i would just draw a line under this. Maybe chat with her in the next week or so about nerves and how they make you feel and how the best way to make them go is to do the thing. You will work it out xx

I think there’s a middle ground - my 12yr old is very shy and has tried to pull out of everything, from swimming to school. My approach has always been low pressure but clear boundaries ie much like another poster said, “ok no one is going to force you. It’s up to you. We all feel nervous before a show/whatever. I feel nervous too before a meeting. Actually that feeling is a kind of excitement and it’s there to give you energy. But no one will force you. We do still have to go though, because you are part of a team; we can watch from the sides if you don’t feel like joining in. And we’ll explain to the teacher you don’t want to join in today.”

She often spontaneously joined in once we arrived, and when she was still hesitant, the teachers would lead her in and chat her through it.

She’s now 12, still very shy, but loves performing. Lots of kids find it difficult at first and once they (and we) persevere, they gain so much from learning about feeling nervous or reluctant and doing something anyway.

I don’t think bribes, emotional manipulation, saying “I’ve paid for it / you have to because you said you would” etc helps though. Being understanding and gently encouraging and letting THEM choose (with the above encouragement)can, though.

I think this. Then you’ve achieved your objective of getting her out of the house and away from devices, and getting to see what the group have been up to.

But you aren’t forcing her to perform when she doesn’t want to.

um probably because she’s SEVEN

Christ some of the responses here, I thought I was a strict parent.

No the phrase is "this is your opportunity to show what you've learnt to you parents". If you're adding an "off" literally or mentally then thats very sad.

She expressed all this only on the morning of the show. Clearly, it's nerves, which she should be encouraged to conquer.

Choices have consequences though

So you didn’t really need to ask why a 7 year old didn’t raise it before, did you?

I agree with not forcing her to take part, but going along with her costume on and seeing how she feels then and maybe finding a compromise. As a chronically shy child, forcing me to do things I wasn't comfortable with didn't magically make me less shy or more able to 'perform' and as an adult I absolutely can and do opt out of things I don't want to do.

It's safety that encourages independence, not pushing, so help her feel safe first.

Oh stop with the gotcha - that was a reply to someone who said she clearly didn't like performing. As I'm sure you know, since it was in the quotes.

We had this the other week with my son (5). He didn’t want to play football for his team cos it was raining. We had major tantrums! It resulted in him kicking off and refusing to go on and just standing as a sub for 40 mins. I then made him apologise to all his team mates at training and told him if he did that again he would be pulled from the team.

if he doesn’t want to do it fine but we don’t just get to decide on the day we can’t be bothered to do something, especially when you are letting team mates down and other people have gone to expense and effort to help you get to this point.

I know there are only little but they need to still learn that they can’t just decide on a whim they aren’t doing things

I disagree. It depends on how you interpret "show off". One of the dictionary meanings is "to display something with pride". There’s nothing wrong with being proud of what you’ve achieved through hard work, and wanting to demonstrate to your parents how well you can now do the thing they’ve paid for,

Exactly.

I agree with those who say you should go anyway.

She may well want to do it once there.

But if she doesn't, it will be a useful learning experience and allow you to talk about things later (I'd probably leave your husband at home with the toddler though).

I have a very shy son. School used to give him options of 'or you can not take part' for class assembly etc which frustrated me. He'll never be a performer and never love it like some but it also meant he didn't get the experience of feeling proud of himself.

The big turning point for him was a failure to do a zip slide activity aged around 10..he was so excited, really wanted to do it. Got up there and then another boy said he didn't want to do it. I knew as soon as that boy came down my son would follow (he did but not sure he'd have been brave enough to do the backing out alone if that makes sense).

It was horrible at the time. He was really upset about it but we talked through how he was feeling compared to all the beaming kids who did it, despite probably feeling scared just like him.

It was a massive turning point. He remembered that feeling and didn't want to repeat it. I got school on board to just allocate him a very small part in class assembly/plays. I saw the change in him knowing he'd done his bit and feeling good with everyone else. He knew it too.

We went to a place with a huge death slide not long afterwards. He chickened out (don't blame him it was really high!) but we went on some other stuff and he convinced himself to do it and told me when he went back he would do it because he didn't want to feel disappointed (his dare devil little sister had done it). I was so proud of him.

What I'm trying to say in a rambling way is that it is important your daughter sees what she is missing and sitting at home won't do that. It might not make for the best day but it may help her in the future. That zip slide was the best waste of money we ever had.