Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

I teach at a secondary school. We have an increasing number of children who ‘can’t’ do things that are either compulsory parts of the curriculum or things we all recognise as valuable experiences for a rounded education - English GCSE presentations, residential field trips, etc. They are ‘anxious’ (nervous of something outside their comfort zone) and have been given the message, presumably, by their parents over the years that they can just opt out. I’ve recently taken a 17-year-old on a week-long residential visit that is a compulsory part of my subject’s A Level requirement, so she couldn’t opt out. All kinds of requests for accommodations and things she was worried about and what we might need to look out for. I have no doubt that if she could have opted out, she would have. I did what I could reasonably do from the list but otherwise she just had to get on with it as best she could and I was smiley and supportive. She had an amazing time - she ended up doing the things we’d arranged for her not to have to do and she didn’t need the ‘quiet room’ at all.

So, on this one, if it was my child I’d be telling her that she should have said she wasn’t going to do it weeks ago before I bought tickets and costumes. I’d be trying to drill down into what the problem really was. If it is genuinely that she thinks it is ‘showing off’ the she’s definitely being told to suck it up this time because (a) it’s nothing to do with showing off and (b) I’d like to know that she’s making progress in a class I’m paying for (I ended up pulling my son out of a gymnastics class when I saw in the termly competitions that he wasn’t actually making any progress in his skills!) and (c) it’s all paid for and it’s too late now. I would then say she doesn’t need to do the next one, but she’ll need to find some other way of sharing her progress with me. If she’s nervous, then I’d approach it differently - a lot more understanding and encouragement, but still firm on the need to do things that scare us occasionally and explaining why it’s an important part of life. Definitely don’t let her drop out of this show and then spend the day slobbing about on screens - what a waste of a day for a 7-year-old!

Lots of good suggestions here, but I'd also dig into the showing off comment. Kids often hear things from others without context and add then together to make confusion. For example, the teacher might have been encouraging them to add a little more sparkle to their presentation, and maybe said something like 'this is your chance to really show off how good you are'. A few days later at school some kids are bickering and one of them says 'nobody likes a show off '. Conversely, at DD's primary they used to call all assessments/SATs etc 'showing off' and it was seen as a positive things. So I'd want to have a conversation about that, that performance isn't showing off at all.

Beyond that, I think it's worth exploring how she feels about the class, the show element of it, and figure out if it was just regular nerves/butterflies, or if she really really does not want to perform ever.

I do think it's good to encourage kids to try things they might find a bit outside their comfort zone, that's how we grow and learn, but as others have said if it's more serious a discomfort than that then she should get to say no.

But presumably the teacher has been talking about the show and preparing the dance etc. for ages. If Dd didn’t want to take part she should have said so a long time ago, certainly before OP paid for tickets, special costume etc.

Imo it’s bad parenting to let a child think they can pull out of things like this at the last minute because of (presumably) nerves. It’s letting down everyone, including herself - if she does it she'll get a huge sense of achievement.

I agree with taking her along anyway, to watch, with the option of her changing her mind and taking part when she sees the others. In any case, she needs to explain and apologise to the gymnastics teacher.

So the show went well. I think he was being really silly not to play ever again. Sounds like a personality flaw to me, rather than the result of being encouraged to achieve something and then actually achieving it. Also, he had no right to let the other musician down. She couldn't have done her part without his.

But OP's situation is different anyway, because her DD did want to do it, until the morning of the show. The timing clearly indicates nerves.

Punishing your child for wanting to enjoy her hobby without wanting to be an extrovert.
And for everyone saying the child should have spoken up, I doubt she knew that was an option but also probably knew her mum would be like this.

So there is still time to undo all this.

Like PP said, explain to her it sall booked and paid for an you'll all go and watch everyone else and if she feels brave enough to take part she can.

Sport teaches resilience. This is the start. Please encourage her gently, there's still an opportunity to take part of back out and no punishment necessary.

Also have words with your DP about disappearing to the gym early on a Sunday when you need help.

My DS is like this. Gets funny about birthday parties on the day despite being excited in the lead up etc. I would have made him go and watch the show, bringing along the costume. Once he got there he’d have joined in.

At parties, we’d go to ‘drop off the present’ and he’d always stay!

She needs to do the show. Too late to back out now you've paid. Time to teach her about commitment and obligation. If she won't then no more gymnastics.

Its worse parenting not to let children participate in hobbies without the pressure of public displays at the end. Drama, gym, dance etc all ends in some sort of show. I doubt anyone explains to their child that they dont have to be part of that and can enjoy the hobby for its own sake

Exactly this. When my seven year old gave up his musical instrument his explanation was he did music for himself. He loved playing but wouldn't do it anymore because adults would try to persuade him to perform. I do regret letting the teacher persuaded him to do it.

I agree. The performance is for parents and teachers, it's not for the child

Yes she's been happy about it, loves her costume (wasn't happy when she wasn't allowed to wear it to school on world book day) and asked if she could wear eyeshadow from my make up box yesterday and practiced putting it on. I think it's nerves that are stopping her which makes me sad to think she might regret it.

Leave toddler with daddy and tell her your going to watch as you bought tickets and see if her teacher can get her to take part.

This was my thinking. I didn't want her replacing the time she would have been at the show with watching YouTube and see it as an easy get out.

He made his point and stuck to it. He did it because of letting the other child down. He was and still is a keen sportsman and performed at county level in more than one.

How dare you say a seven year old who doesn't want to be wheeled out like a performing monkey has a personality flaw. Maybe have a look kn the mirror.

So you think he should have been allowed to withdraw at the last minute and ruin it for his duet partner?

His refusal to play the instrument any more is a completely different issue. If he wanted to stop, fine - but once a child has committed to do something they shouldn’t be allowed to think it’s ok to change their mind at the last minute, especially when that would affect someone else so badly.

wow she is obviously anxious! my autistic daughter was like this at this age and it was just huge anxiety.

So why even bother going to gymnastics at all? Ridiculous outlook. Pulling out of the show last minute is showing her it’s ok to let everyone else down.

She’s 7! I’d look at her and say you’re definitely doing the show, let’s get ready.

Giving her way too much power imo.

Are you going to take her?

It actually wouldn't have mattered as they both played the piece as a solo or duet so she'd have just played it anyway. She loved performing and would probably have preferred a solo but regardless of that why were his feelings less valid than hers? People get sick, have accidents which is why you have understudies.

What would happen to the gymnastics show if the little girl was vomiting or she broke her leg yesterday? The show goes on.

She s nervous.
Take her along.
Dont punish ...addess the real issue.

"I really want to see you do your gymnastics...how about doing it for me? I used to be nervous before shows too. Let s do some breathing one two three"

I think if it's nerves then it's a different approach. I agree with the poster who said your partner should look after the toddler and you should still attend the show with her to support her team mates.
Get her to put her costume on and just say she can watch with you if she's nervous. You've paid for a ticket and she should realise she still needs to attend.
As you're traveling there - tell her specific stories about when you felt you didn't want to do something and then you did it and how good and proud of yourself you felt afterwards.
her teacher will prob also be able to help persuade her. IF not - then she can watch and cheer her friends and maybe next time she will want to join in x

Because it's fun, it's healthy exercise.

What time is the show? Is there time to get her there?