Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

I agree.

This must be a really confusing message for her.

I would have done exactly what sirzy said. Perhaps you already did but I also would have pushed back a bit or explored the 'I don't like showing off'. Taking part in a show isn't 'showing off'. I expect she's actually anxious about it, which is perfectly normal but I think there's a line between forcing your kids to do stuff and just never challenging them at all. I'd have gently encouraged rather than accepted her not going straight away.

The time to say it wasn’t for her was before she signed up to do it and you paid for costume and tickets.
I’d be talking about well you agreed to do it and have been practicing hard. You’ll be letting your team mates and coaches down (it’s a pain in bum if they have choreographed a dance or practiced line up and she’s not there - it messes little kids up as they know they usually stand next to x in line)
I’d also disabuse her silly notion it’s ‘showing off’ Everyone has worked hard inc the coaches and parents talking children to club weekly and it’s nice for people to see what you have been doing all year. Lots of people will be looking forward to show.
I’d suspect it’s butterflies in tummy and way to deal is to encourage.
Fair enough if not for her, stop going to gymnastics or don’t sign up for show again.
I think it’s really flaky to drop out in morning because you don’t fancy it.

Its not a choice if she is punished for picking the option you dont want. I agree with a PP to still go along and cheer on 😊

If she’s not going to be in it, I’d still take her along to watch it. Then she can see what the others are doing and may let her see what she’s missing out on and it’s not a big deal for next time.

This.

At that age the teacher should be used to children pulling out at the last minute. Kids are unpredictable and can feel pressure in ways adults might not get.
So there's no way she's letting people down by being a 7 year old. It's unreasonable for any part of it to hang so firmly on one child.
It's sad if she's got the idea it's showing off ( a bad thing) but also maybe just her way of saying she's uncomfortable.
You know your daughter do what's right for her
The expense isn't her problem frankly the whole racket with the costumes for small kids these days is ridiculous. But those are adult choices.

You shouldn't force her to be in the show. It's a leisure activity, it's supposed to be fun. Even a 7yo knows the difference between something you have to step up for, like an exam or a visit to relatives, and something that's open to choice. If you make her perform, it turns an enjoyable activity (gymnastics) into a chore, and you'll have spoilt it for her.

She’s part of a squad and even if they just do individual routines the rest of the squad rely on each other for support, they will nearly all be nervous performing and need to be there for each other. I would take her anyway. Take her costume and see if she changes her mind when she’s there.
Your DD has had enough time before now to say she didn’t want to do it & If I had paid for a costume and invested my time in getting her to practice I would be taking her along on the premise of just watching. Has something else happened to make her back out now? It sounds like the “showing off” comment has come from someone.

Your DH not backing you up hasn’t helped. (Or alternatively you could go and leave the 2 kids at home, at least you’ll get a break!)

She's 7. She agreed to do it and she's part of a show.

She has to.

i’d be asking her how she thinks her friends will feel if she’s not there. that it’s not showing off. that it’s normal to feel a bit nervous before performing in front of people and that’s ok. sometimes it’s good to push ourselves out of our comfort zone.

There are lots of things in life that feel a bit scary but actually once we do them we find it wasn’t that bad at all. does she not want her medal, you were thinking of doing (somethimg she likes) as a reward for hard work after but if she doesn’t want to do it then you wont…...

Not everyone does sports or activities that involve this particular kind of performance, and it doesn't mean she will fail in life because she didn't take part in a gymnastics show at 7.

I like the suggestion of saying well we are going and let’s see how you feel. Watching is a good compromise if she really doesn’t fancy it. Though I bet when she saw everyone she’d be ok to join in.

She needs pushing this is how to build confidence and grow. Allowing her to avoid things that make her uncomfortable is the start of a slippery slope.

Why does she think this is showing off? Has she perhaps heard this from older children, or from friends who aren’t involved in the activity? I agree with others that she needs encouragement to do this. The screen removal is a bit confusing, unless you’re thinking the reason she doesn’t want to take part is because she would prefer to be sat in front of the screen. I’m sure it will all go well and she’ll have a great time.

Did you give her a choice beforehand? If you did and she chose to participate and was excited until today it’s nerves and you should have worked her though her emotions about it. You could get ready and go watch, sit on the side, encourage her to participate in some of it… whatever. If you forced her into it and she kept telling you she didn’t want to that’s on you.

I see no reason for punishment for her over a parenting mistake from you. But you should sort out the screen time separately from this regardless if it’s bothering you.

My daughter is a dancer and would be so excited before every show - and then struggle a lot the day of. I’d coach her through it and now she loves it. But that was nerves, not dislike. Not all children want to perform.

This is the perfect response, given you've had to pay for her entry and costume and she will have been practising with others, so her dropping out will affect them. Next year she has full voice of whether she enters or not, but you don't let people down last minute

I chaperone for performances. We sometimes get a child saying at the last minute they don't want to do it.
I suggest they come along backstage with me and say I won't make them do it if they don't want to, and I won't.

I also tell them it's normal to be nervous and even professional actors are nervous.

I then suggest they might like to get into costume like the others so they don't feel left out. They always are happy to do this.

When it comes to it, I suggest they just go on for the first bit just to try. About 75% of the time they decide that they will give it a go. The other DC are normally great at encouraging with "just look at me so you won't see the audience" or "I'll hold your hand" eyc

If not they stay with me and we chat behind the curtain about how they can walk straight off to me if they don't like it. They almost always decide then that they'll try the next time they're due to go on.

By the end of the show I don't think I've had a child who started like that who isn't glowing and can't wait for the next day to do the show, and they continue excited for the rest of the run.
They gain such a lot of confidence from it, and those that are nervous gain more than those that start off confident. It's one of the things I love about doing it.

7 is not 17.
She really doesn’t have to.

Did you ask her if she wanted to be in the show before you signed her up, paid for tickets, sorted out her costume etc? If you did and she seemed genuinely keen to do it then I think it's fair to say that she's made a commitment and should see it through, unless she becomes really distressed in which case it's not worth it. But if you just assumed she would do the show because you want her to do it, or if she's been pressured into it in any way then that's unfair. Not all kids enjoy performing in front of an audience, just like not all adults do and that's ok.

As for her comment about bit liking to show off, I wonder if she's describing feeling uncomfortable being the centre of attention. That's understandable and not unusual.

YABU, massively so, to tell her that it's "her choice" to do the show or not and then punish her by taking devices away if you don't like her choice. How confusing for her. If she has too much screen time generally then that's entirely on you and your DH, you need to find a way to address that by making changes to her usual routine. Don't use that as excuse to be petulant because you're disappointed.

I mean, if I'd been practising and agreed to do it and was expecting to do it, I wouldn't pull out on the morning of the show!

If Simone Biles at sit out the Olympics when she isn't feeling it, my 7 year old can sit out their local gymnastics club open day. I appreciate the risks are different for a 7 year old walking along the beam to a adult doing a multiflip turning thing, but it sets the right message. As to saying its already paid for - she isn't a performing monkey,

@youalright I very much agree. Everyone is quick to label butterflies in tummy as anxiety. Letting them avoid things that make them uncomfortable doesn’t build life skills.
I see this very much in girl guides that some mums let DD’s miss if it’s something slightly out of their comfort zone.

This, i would just go along and see, i don't think her dad helped by saying he wouldn't do it either, she .is shy that is fine but things like gymnastics can help them.gain confidence,

Yeah but the child is seven not fifty seven. And how often do adults pull out of things they don't want to do on the day? Lots!

I’d make her put the outfit on and go, you don’t get to let the others down. If she didn’t want to take part she should have said so at the beginning. If she wants to refuse to do it, she can do so in front of the others, and she doesn’t get to take part next year. She can sit and watch everyone else.
But you’ll probably find that she joins in once she gets there.