Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

You are never going to be able to parent properly if the other parent is in opposition but also leaves it all to you. Being a single parent would be easier! Please don’t say you also work and do all the housework while all he does is criticise your decisions and then fucks off to the gym.

She’s seven years old. Seven! You posters responding here are crazy, she’s a little girl who has become anxious about performing in front of a large group so the answer is to force her ? Threaten her? Guilt trip her and remove her screen time ?

honestly what is wrong with people? No wonder we live in such an ableist and compassionless society.

fucking hell. Worrying about pandering to a child who has expressed a desire to step back on this occasion.

Whole world laughs at pushy parents, show is mums and competitive dads.
theyre a cringe cliche for a reason.
I swear some of you never had a childhood or even any autonomy as kids.

Give our kids a break, life is hard, let them just enjoy their relative freedom.
theres plenty more opportunities to perform for the rest of her life should she regret missing this one.
The theatre and performing arts have understudies for a reason.
any director with their salt will have a contingency or improvise should a situation like this arise.
what a lot of cold hearted attitudes

Yes absolutely agree. Things like martial arts are a fun club on a Saturday then all of a sudden they’re grading without any real idea of what’s coming up, pay for the grading pay for each new outfit, travel etc, these clubs should be open to all and the the ones who want to get ahead and take it more seriously can pursue that while others go along for fun.

exactly children are not performing seals

So what would you do if after you've forced her to go, made her get on the stage and then she just stands there crying. You can take a horse to water springs to mind.

Is your colleague a seven year old child? What a crap comparison.
their only similarity is anxiety/ performance anxiety which this poor child has years to work on, especially if she has kind caring nurturing parents on her side.
There is nothing in the OP’s posts that suggest she is going to continue into adulthood as someone with considerable difficulties which will impact her at work.
maybe she will , maybe something happened in this man’s life which is manifesting as fear of presenting now, who knows but one does not equate to the other

There's a bit of a difference between an adult doing a job and a child being forced to perform.

Come on you proudly told us what sort of person you are so why make excuses now?

If she’s not fussed about going back, sounds like no harm done.

The only thing I would add though is that this is about much more than just opportunities. This is about character building and developing resilience. She needs to learn that she can do hard stuff. Not liking it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t do it, and having a scary or uncomfortable time doesn’t mean it was a bad experience to have.

Next time something like this occurs, I suggest that she does the unpleasant thing and THEN is allowed to quit (if she still wants to).

If you can be bothered to read a personal anecdote…

I was profoundly shy as a young teen. My teacher decided I should be on his public speaking and debating team. Boy did I hate it. I didn’t sleep the night before, I cried and sweated like hell beforehand, I shook and stammered in the actual debate. We never won! My teacher and parents were kind but firm: this was Good For Me and they didn’t expect me to necessarily to win, just that I do my best and not give up.

Anyway, fast forward a whole load of other presenting / public speaking challenges over the next 30 years, each of which was slightly less terrifying than the last, and each of which I persevered with not because I wanted to, but because I had been taught to do so.

Suddenly somehow I am 45 years old and speaking to an audience on an almost daily basis. It doesn’t phase me one bit. A fear that I don’t even remember consciously conquering. It just happened organically through practise, like learning to drive. I am pretty sure that I wouldn’t be doing my current job if I had been able to skip the teenage public speaking though. I would have definitely avoided public speaking for as long as possible had I ever seen avoidance as a genuine option. I am a big advocate of helping children to step out of their comfort zone.

Do adults just materialise out of thin air?

Well it depends parents seem to pick and choose when their actual children are children

"I want you to dance so you need to act like a grown up and do what I say""
"I cant believe the school is making my child do something I dont agree with they are a child can''t they see that''

If you do that, it's fine I guess.

I cannot see how your post is related to mine though.

My mother’s favorite line:

”Don’t be a quitter.”

It was horrible the things I had to say and do and perform that I never signed up for.

That was all on my mum - but she was that mother.
I’m sure everyone in town gossiped about us, too: “that poor child,” and “she’s gone overboard this time hasn’t she” - stuff like that.
Or exactly like that.

But the girl agreed to do it her mum paid good money for a costume and tickets!

She's 7 not 17

I’m glad it worked out well for you but not every child has the same reaction. And there are much kinder ways for children to build up their confidence than to endure something that - in your own words - makes them unable to sleep, cry, sweat, and stammer.

We can do so much better than this as parents now, although certainly back in the day this kind of attitude was seen as the only acceptable option.

As I said earlier, it’s important to understand what’s at the heart of the issue. Once you figure out exactly what it is that’s the problem, you can help your child overcome it in a gradual and supportive way.

I have two SEN DC, both high needs and probably won’t ever live independently. God knows I have heard the bloody word “resilience” chucked at me so many times over the years. What people usually mean when they say resilience is teaching your child to comply quietly and not communicate how they’re feeling, just in case it’s inconvenient.

I mentioned this briefly on the previous page but DS started to refuse school. I used to have to pin him down to get him dressed every morning and then take him into school while he was physically screaming and kicking. I was told I “had to be firm” with him to “build resilience”. He was about 5-6 yrs old at the time. My biggest regret to this day is that I didn’t listen to my instincts sooner. He was non-verbal at the time so couldn’t tell me what was going on.

When I realised that it wasn’t building bloody resilience I got him into a different setting. The school refusing went away and life got better but the damage was done. He was scarred by that experience and even now at 16 yrs old, he gets anxious if I’m out of his sight. Given his learning disability, he was always going to be dependent but there’s a degree of anxiety there that’s been caused by what happened during those formative years.

I appreciate my example may be more extreme but we know better now than to make children learn through fear. Encouraging them to gently stretch their comfort zones and supporting them to do that isn’t the same thing at all. And more important than all of that is showing a child that you’ll listen if they’re telling you that they’re not comfortable with a situation.

You’re obviously happy with how it’s worked out for you, and all credit. However you’ve mentioned 30 years of “terrifying” public speaking challenges that you only persevered with “not because you wanted to” but because you were taught you had to. I’m not sure I’d want that for my child - even if they were capable. Feeling that you had to regularly push through something deeply unpleasant doesn’t sound like much fun, and there are plenty of alternatives. That’s not about persistence, that’s about social conditioning - you were taught that your feelings didn’t matter. I don’t think that’s resilience and it’s certainly not something I’d ever advocate for.

As a parent of a school avoiding autistic girl, I agree with much of this. We've found that the approach @Sirzy suggested often works - unless dd is in the midst of a shutdown and 'too far gone' to catch.

I think it depends on a few things though.

Motivation - was it the child's idea to participate, or did they 'agree', because it was actually instigated by the parent. Dd instigated wanting to participate in a gymnastics competition. I was reluctant because I know she suffers from performance anxiety. She went, having practiced infinitely at home, showed few signs of nerves and loved it. It was the same when she decided to take a speaking part in the school play. Contrast that with sports day, entirely different outcome (panic attack).

Team ethics: even if motivation is there, and it was a child-led decision to participate, if people are relying on you, I don't think it's right to opt out entirely. So on sports day, I told dd we'd stay to cheer on her classmates, she could sit with me witn no pressure to participate. She ended up having FOMO and managed to join in for a couple of events. The following year she managed the whole thing - and enjoyed it!

Resilience building (sorry) looks different for different children. Some need to know that they'll be listened to in order to feel safe, remove expectations, and put them back in control. This leads to confidence and a feeling of self control and autonomy - a really important life lesson.

Parenting is also knowing your child's limits, when to gently push and when to know 'now is not the time'. My dd missed Young Voices this year and I lost £100 because of it. She was motivated, it was her decision, but it wasn't the right time for her and pushing would have delayed her recovery. It broke my heart (for her, not the money), but there will be other opportunities.

Fwiw, I think the op's partner was wrong. Going anyway to support the other gymnasts was exactly what should have happened. As it stands, op's dd may well regret it (if it was truly her decision to participate).

Well said. I'm also shocked at some of the cold comments generally and despair.....

No it takes years, hopefully without trauma and allowing the child to develop at their own pace.

If they're never taught how to face challenges, they will never learn.

There is nothing traumatic in OP's post, except conflicting parenting, end even that is just life as human beings are imperfect.

OP's daughter was not kicking and screaming. She was actually excited to participate.

Feeling that you had to regularly push through something deeply unpleasant doesn’t sound like much fun, and there are plenty of alternatives.

Life is not all fun, for some reason.
What are the alternatives to copying with life's demands, challenges and responsibilities?

Life is not all fun, for some reason.
What are the alternatives to coping with life's demands, challenges and responsibilities?

Find a workaround! Think laterally! Be creative!

There are far too many posts on MN from women who feel obliged to slog on doggedly in a situation they hate, whether it's a job, a relationship, a school, a neighbourhood or whatever. They want out, but they've been conditioned all their lives to persist , don't be a quitter, stiff upper lip and so on. They've never developed the confidence to trust their feelings and the imagination to find an unconventional path. The door is open, but they can't see it.

Posters keep talking about how kids need to step out of their comfort zone ... but some adults are equally unable to step out of their own comfort zone of grinding, grinding, grinding away on a narrow path of life, and congratulating themselves on their "resilience".

LOL how do you think laterally and creatively about paying your bills in CoL crisis? 😁

It's not just about women either.

I stand by the fact that kids should be allowed to say no. This doesn’t mean that they will never learn resilience, to do things or overcome fear.

At 7 it’s absolutely fine to try lots of different activities, not everything will stick, and that’s fine.

I really believe that knowing it’s ok to say no makes children more confident to try things, because there’s safety in knowing they don’t “have” to do it.

But hobbies are supposed to be fun.