Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

Read some posts talking about the trauma of being able to do this sort of thing.

They have nothing to do with OP's situation but people always talk only about themselves :)

When we say we will do something and people are relying on us, we have to do them, even if we no longer want to.

Your DD is 7 and she has missed the opportunity to learn that lesson.

People dont become flakes in a vacuum

If your child feels ready to take on the challenge then fine..but it should always be when they feel ready to do so.....
I'd like to give an example of what happened to my DD when she was pushed too far by a silly woman who decided for her.
..but just too tired to explain it now.....maybe tomorrow

And sometimes pushing through nerves is part of the fun.

One of mind used to feel uneasy about her family watching her perform, so we would drop off and wait outside 😢 she’s better now, but perhaps you could ask if she’d feel better performing without you in the audience?

It’s completely unreasonable to hold a 7 year old to the same standards as an adult, or even an older child.

To suggest that this was the one and only opportunity to “learn this lesson” is frankly bonkers. We’re all learning every day throughout our lives, this child really hasn’t missed the opportunity to not be a flake, as you put it!

But at what age do you think is reasonable to start.

There was nothing that the dd was incapable

The glaring fault with your argument is her dad who boasts about only doing something if he wants to. At what age would you think he should start learning.

Even if the dh hasn’t already found he has missed out on things by not pushing himself or someone pushing him out of his comfort zone

I can guarantee that at some point he will regret what little he has done.

Does anyone believe that this guys marriage is going to last

I’m not sure I understand your logic. Learning is continuous, it doesn’t start and stop at set ages.

You can’t seriously be comparing pulling out of a gymnastics show with a potential failed marriage?

Only to the extent that feels manageable....like a challenge....but not if it causes unmanageable anxiety....

This!
Every child (and adult for that matter) has a different window of tolerance. Some thrive on the 'in at the deep end' approach and get positive reinforcement from pushing through and coming out the other side. Some actually get a buzz (the thrill-seeker types). For others that's terrifying and potentially traumatic. They need greater control, and support to stretch their comfort zones more gently. It's only by listening to the individual that you can identify what level of challenge is right for that child. It's not a one size fits all approach. And definitely not at 7!
Not listening to a child can be immensely damaging. Supporting a child and helping them take small, manageable risks is a long term learning strategy. A gymnastics performance is not the same level of 'risk' for every 7 year old in the class.

I hate being noticed. I would have given up gymnastics and refused to take up any other hobby that involved performance ever again at that age.

But she did feel ready to do it and was excited to do it

I am wondering who had got to her?

Doesn’t like showing off is a strange sort of description

Was dh expected to look after baby or go to the show and given his attitude that he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to then this would make perfect sense

i think he is limiting his DD’s life because he is selfish

Given dd isn’t going to be going to gymnastics class I would be getting my own class to go to. Every week he gets to look after 2 children instead of one. I would be getting my ducks in a row and coming up with a campaign to make him do what he doesn’t want to. I would also be bugging DD’s bedroom to see if your dh was coercively controlling your dd
Then I would be going for divorce

If I am right the affect he is having on your dd is going to wreck her life. He is an abusive prick who should be only get visitation under supervision if he acts like this.

But the child in auestion performed at a previous display and was excited to do this one. I’d be asking what had changed, whether someone had said something to upset her, but I think this is an example of a child who does enjoy performance but might need encouragement.

The "showing off" comment was what made me think that she didn't like the attention. I definitely wouldn't make her do it anyway.

Performing in a display or other performance isn’t showing off. She hasn’t felt like this before - OP says she was trying out make up options the night before saying this. Something has changed. Someone has possibly said something. It needs exploring and encouragement. It’s not possible to ‘make’ someone perform - but she should have gone to support at the very least and been encouraged to try.

I know it isn't showing off, but for someone who doesn't like attention, maybe that's what it feels like. I think it's important to listen to children if they don't want to do something, and not try and "encourage" them if they really don't want to do it.

So she can never change her mind? You never agree to do something and then regret it?
Adulthood and autonomy go hand in hand. Children need boundaries but they don’t need to be forced into doing something they’re not comfortable with. We have chronic people pleaser adults, over achieving burnt out adults, we have adults who make horrendous choices because they don’t trust their own judgment.
let kids make choices, let them fail or drop out, let them learn life lessons

If I agree to so something then regret it, I do it this time and make sure I say no in future.
I guess my concern with letting her give in to nerves is: what happens next time she wants to do something like this. Do you still agree to her signing up? What if she gets nerves again? By not tackling it the first least pressure time, you just defer to a higher pressure situation. I mean, ship has sailed now, but if OP had been in the position to at least get her along to watch then the next time the DD would be saying yes or no from a more informed position.

I'd have a long talk with her if she said she wanted to do something like this again. Always assuming that gymnastics was her idea in the first place. My 18 year old is an introvert. My aunt said when he was little, "He should go to Beavers." He was exhausted just from school. There's this idea now that children must have activities outside school, when I would have been happy with a book or kicking a ball around in the garden.

And after said long talk, if she changes her mind again, it's a lot more pressure. Sometimes by letting them duck out you make a small thing into a big thing. Whereas going along even just to watch shows her it's not a big deal.

Absolutely agree they don't need to do any activities. Our deal was you want to try something consistently for a few months, you get to sign up and try it. You want to stop consistently for whatever an appropriate notice period is, you stop it. It avoids the not in the mood right now factor, and the don't want to interrupt my video game factor.

DS in particular would never want to leave the house at the point where leaving the house was required, but after we got back he'd always say he wanted to keep doing whatever it was. If we'd taken him at his word every time he didn't want to leave the house he'd have missed out on a lot of fun.

Interestingly it's extreme introvert DD who wants to do performing. It has taken her many years to get to the point she can walk on the stage without looking like a terrified mouse, but she's there entirely out of choice.