Daughter refuses to perform in show. AIBU?

[Runnermumof2]

I pretty much know the answer to this already, but hoping maybe some others could give me some better techniques to responding to the disappointment.
My daughter attends gymnastics (she's 7) it's closed practice, so you don't get to see what they do except once a year where they put in a show. It's not on a stage or anything. Just the regular gym hall, but they practice a dance and do some of their gymnastics moves on the apparatus. At the end they get a certificate and medal.
I paid for her entry, our tickets and her costume in advance
The morning of said show she has said she will not go as she "doesn't like showing off" I totally respect that and her dad is completely fine with her not taking past and told her that he is the same and wouldn't want to do it either.
I'm really disappointed.
Obviously I want to respect her decision, but also I don't want her just bailing out anytime she is a bit nervous and misses opportunities.
I've told her that if it's her decision not to go today then that's up to her, but she will not be allowed to watch YouTube or be on the TV in the day (she gets way to much screen time anyway)
And I'm in a bit of a huff. It doesn't help that I'm in the trenches at the moment with my 18month old who doesn't sleep and a partner who doesn't help much with the parenting side (he's currently out at the gym while I deal with all this morning's issues)

Is there a better way that I could have dealt with this ? Should I just suck up my disappointment and let her make last minute changes, or am I putting her at a disadvantage by allowing it ? Or is there a way I can support her to feel more confident in taking part in things ?

Absolutely not. Any performance teaches confidence at the very least and also managing your nerves, achieving an actual result of some "project", doing something in front of an audience is great for workplace etc etc

I doubt anyone explains to their child that they dont have to be part of that and can enjoy the hobby for its own sake

Really? I'd think the default would be to ask the kids when a form comes through saying do you want to be part of x show on y day cost of z. We certainly always have. DC did gymnastics for years, I think they both tried the annual club competition once and decided they didn't like it so they didn't do it again. But also if they have committed to take part in something I'd encourage them to.

I do understand where OP is coming from on the screen time. I have a DS who has a lot of inertia about moving away from screens. When he actually got to places he enjoyed being there and got a lot out of it, but he'd need a shove to get over that hump, if it looked like the alternative to going out was sitting around watching youtube then youtube would tend to win.

The showing off thing is worrying. Who's been telling this child she's a show off? I'd be trying to nudge towards a mind-set of sharing with the audience. With music - it's not showing off your skills, it's sharing this amazing piece by Bach or whoever. Get their focus onto what it is they're trying to communicate with the audience. In this case look what fun gymnastics is, not aren't I a great diva.

Actually, could that be an in here? Encourage her to show baby sibling what fun it is to do gymnastics, maybe they will want to give it a go one day?

I work in the performing arts industry and this is very common in children, of course some of them will get really nervous. I am now a professional with 20+ years of performance experience and I still get jittery some mornings when my body remembers what I need to do in the evening.

Having said that, she has made a commitment. She needs to at least go and tell the teacher she feels unable to do the show. She could also just need to bit of extra encouragement and for someone to tell her it’s okay to feel nervous. That means your body is releasing extra adrenaline, and it can and should be used in a positive way. It might feel scary, but it’s good to face our fears and learn from them.

As a PP, let’s please not add to the number of children and young people who nowadays feel “incapable” of doing some normal, simple life tasks because they’re nervous and have got used to opt out of difficult things. It is obviously a different case for SEND etc, but we do need to teach young people how to be resilient and adapt and take their commitments seriously.

It's just nerves then and it would be good for her to learn how to manage nerves, it'll help her in life.

No I think not wanting to play football in the rain is a bit different to a public performance in a leotard.

I didnt read it that way. I think the OP @Runnermumof2 meant that skipping her regular gymnastics class would not automatically equal extra screen time. That is how I interpreted it.

Are you calling his duet partner a "wheeled out performing monkey"?

I know this isn’t the point of your post but I’m yet again astounded by the amount of men who seem to think they can go to the gym all the time and leave their partners to parent. You deserve somebody who is there for you especially when you’re sleep deprived. Have you spoken to him about it?

Honestly OP, pushing a young child to perform in front of people when something inside her has made her not want to won't promote anything positive in her. It can make her feel overwhelmed and ashamed, as if her feelings are wrong. My insides are cringing at the thought. Support her agency and find other ways to build her up and deal with the 'showing off' aspect. She may have picked something up wrong and be internalising it, or - and this is going on at my daughter's school just now - there's a whole 'pick me' thing between the children where they seem to be calling any child who participates in anything a pick me and a show off. Forcing her isn't going to overcome anything like that, but listening to her and gently building her by respecting her voice will give her confidence in herself.

If you go and she still doesn't want to do it, then you can work on strategies for the next time. Or she may get there and decide she does want to do it, especially when she sees her friends. Or you might find a way to persuade her without her feeling like she's been forced.

It's too late to teach them anything when they're teenagers 😂

I would still take her if there is still time. Sure she’d want to take part if she sees all her friends. It is good for building confidence and resilience. Also is there a reward or treat she’d like to encourage her to take part - maybe a new hair accessory or something little to say how proud you are she was brave and took part.

Just your use of the laughing emoji on a serious topic tells me everything I need to know about you.

I wouldn’t let her pull out. It’s going to affect the team and the dance and show routine the have planned.

I know you must be tired but threatening TV and YouTube permission isn’t appropriate either - your DD is 7 and hasn’t done anything wrong.

This is where you need to be kind but firm and insist that she goes as part of the team.

If she refuses please call her coach and let her speak to DD. If she’s all out refusing and you can’t sway her then she has to come and attend the show to support her team mates - my kids attend games and practices when they’re injured to show support for their team @Runnermumof2

At 7 years old in what may be her first performance I think it's fine not to take part. I teach KS1 and know there is always likely to be a child that might get stage fright on the day of any performance.

It's part of a gymnastics class, not a performing arts class where you would expect shows to be part and parcel of it. Some kids are just going to want to go to the class and learn the gymnastics skills. Forcing her to perform could put her off doing gymnastics altogether.

If she was that anxious I think you would have noticed days ago. On the day nerves is normal and I would take her along. If she looks massively uncomfortable and can’t participate you know this is not the sport for her. I would not opt her out on the day though.

Because she's 7 years old?!?

I wouldn’t have let her pull out. How is that teaching resilience? If my kids have committed to something then they’re bloody doing it.

My daughter is often like this, because it is something unknown. However, once she has performed she's always buzzing that she's done it. I usually go with the "well we are going, you can watch and see if you feel like it once you're there" and once she's seen the setup etc. then she's happy to do it

Also OP closed practise would be a no from me in the first place tbh.

You are doing her a disservice by letting her call the shots. She practiced, others are expecting her to show up and by letting her pull one she is also letting others down. You both have committed to the show and that’s it. Nerves are normal and that’s also something you have to learn as a child. What will you do when she doesn’t want to go to a school exam if already you let her pull the strings now?

Take her along, she might change her mind when she sees all her friends. My DD does a similar sport, the shows are the only time we get to see her perform, it costs a lot of time, money and effort from her, us, the squad and coaches.

I would not be happy with her pulling out last minute and letting everyone down, sometimes life involves pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, it’s often said kids these days have no resilience and this is a perfect example.

Respect her boundaries, she is not a performing seal...

You should also gently talk to her to make sure there is not something else going on like maybe bullying in the team and negative comments about her appearance. Beyond that support her in her decision.

This, it happens in my daughter's sport where kids who are forced to compete often drop out completely, which is difficult as competing is part of the commitment to the club. But when they're young you have to come and go with them, so there are kids who don't compete up to a certain point and when they reach that point some will take the plunge, being a bit older and more comfortable. Also some younger children do drop out of specific elements on the day having previously signed up and it's not a big deal - they're either nervous or have over-committed and that's fine. It's well recognised that you need to create an environment where they feel safe and prepared so there's a big focus on the team element.

I wish people would stop saying forcing and pushing young children into things teaches 'resilience'. That's the last thing it teaches and it's always rolled out as a justification for adults making children do what they want them to do.

I don't think I'd limit screen time. This is giving really mixed messages as one second you're saying you're not cross with her and next minute you're saying you want to enforce a completely unrelated punishment.

I think you need to keep the consequences natural. Ultimately Gymnastics is a performance sport so if she is adament that she won't perform then I would have a blanket no on any more than an hour a week's commitment. Explain that you mostly learn Gymnastics to be able to show what you can do so if she isn't interested in doing this then she needs to find another hobby eg a team sport or limit her commitment to Gymnasticsm. Also next time she's given such an opportunity you expect her to let you know at the point she is asked not after you've spent lots of money and she's let her team mates down.

I would explain to her that plenty of kids get nervous and invite her to share this with you as this would be a different problem to solve but then I'd be very clear that there's going to be consequences if she does this again. I agree it needs addressing but at the end of the day she is just a small child and you can't expect her to have the forward processing skills or handle on her emotions that an adult might. There's likely to be lots of feelings going on here so be firm but give her space to explore these feelings too.

I think there's more going on and you need to explore what she means with the showing off comment. It could be so many things and just accepting this is not teaching her any kind of resilience. The fact you are then taking away screen time suggests you think she's not being honest. Is she being bullied would be my first thought.