Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

It's fine, you didn't owe him a conversation.

If he wanted to talk that strongly, he could have approached any man within in his age group rather than a lone woman half his age.

Thank you. Yes there were lots of other people at the bar next to him and looking back he wasn’t chatting with any of them before approaching me. He started off with oh you look familiar to which I just blanked stared him and don’t think he quite expected that. Feel like a bit of a princess for posting but felt strangely uncomfortable and weirdly guilty being so abrupt.

No you weren’t at all rude. Women are not there to provide men of any age with conversational opportunities.

Always take note of feelings like that. I think you did the right thing. I had a similar experience in my twenties with a man in his fifties and it was quite scary with him following me around my holiday destination and getting quite nasty when I would not allow him to take me to the airport.

@Lovemybunnieswise words, my back was just up instantly, I don’t mind friendly chat but you’re right, feelings and instinct are key. That sounds a very scary experience.

@Unfencedquite right and thanks for the succinct advice which I will remember next time

That's just your conditioning piping up - tell it to jog on and it will get progressively quieter. And well done!!

It was a fun atmosphere until someone spoke to you?

I mean, it's ok to state you aren't interested in conversation, but you have to actually state it.

I think he was a bit out of order approaching you in the first place. And then not to take a hint, you were absolutely not being unreasonable.

No, of course you shouldn't have to talk to someone you don't want to, but why didn't you just politely tell him straight away that you wanted to focus on the game, rather than deliberately ignoring his questions for however long? It sounds like you made it more uncomfortable than it needed to be.

Lots of people do go to pubs to have a chat, and want to pass the time in a more or less sociable way, so he wasn't unreasonable to try to start a conversation.

Well done you for standing your ground, going through feelings of discomfort and not capitulating to the demands of your social conditioning (probably) to be an acquiescent female, in order to defend your boundaries.
You didn't want to talk. Full stop.

"He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff."

Well done! Sometimes we need to be blunt so they get the message.

I've wasted enough nights appeasing to other people! Thinking I have to carry on a conversation to not look rude.
Just because I'm alone, it doesn't mean I'm lonely. I enjoy my own company as you do! He made it awkward for you, not the other way round.

He wasn’t some lonely old gent, who’d just popped into his local to see a friendly face and have some human interaction. He was a creepy fuck who was trying his luck with someone half his age, and who was put out that you clearly didn’t see him for the catch he considers himself to be. He expected a woman young enough to be his daughter to feel flattered that he’d approached and to return his interest. It’s the equivalent of you approaching an 18 year old boy and getting annoyed with him because he had no interest in ignoring the match he was watching and stroking your ego instead.

You’re questioning yourself because women are conditioned to be polite and make excuses for men’s creepy behaviour. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! You hold your head up high. He should be feeling embarrassed that he had any expectations that you’d be happy to have his company.

yes, it was a fun atmosphere, jovial and sporting, people clapping and cheering at a win. Yes, then when the man approached me and started asking questions, it didn’t feel like a fun atmosphere, my back was immediately up. I told him that I was watching the game and that is when he grabbed his jacket after putting it on the back of my chair, and flounced off. I’m a generally sociable person who wouldn’t ordinarily feel uncomfortable with people speaking to me.

You're not being a "princess" by posting.

Society has conditioned women to be polite to all men, so the additional "lonely old man" question could make you doubt yourself.

He should be the one feeling "awkward".

Until someone (a man usually) is actually unpleasant to me I explain with a smile that sorry, I'm really not in the mood for conversation but I hope they enjoy the rest of the match (or whatever).

If course, I'm not sorry, but I at least attempt to get things clear without upsetting myself or the deluded old fucker who's made an unwelcome beeline for me.

If they don't back off, I turn my back or move away. If it ever got really uncomfortable I would leave the venue - my safety is more important than a match.

Sorry that spoiled your nice afternoon.

Also sorry, but I think he "sidled" up to you rather than saddled.

But when he spoke to you at first, you ignored him?

According to your first post you didn't just say you were watching the match. You ignored him completely.

Posters here are placing a lot of nefarious intentions on the man described without knowing him. I just don't feel comfortable declaring a man to be a creepy, scary, woman-hating "creepy fuck" for daring to speak to a woman in a pub.

I see your point but he approached out of the blue and I was taken aback. To be honest, I was just looking at the large TV and trying to make it clear that I was there to watch the match, which was v obvious given I had been glued to the screen for 45 minutes and he had been standing right behind me. I did then tell him I was there to watch the match and that is when he stomped off and even out the pub, which I though odd.

Posters here are placing a lot of nefarious intentions on the man described without knowing him. I just don't feel comfortable declaring a man to be a creepy, scary, woman-hating "creepy fuck" for daring to speak to a woman in a pub Yeah, I’m quite sure he walked straight past all the other men he could have spoken to because he thought that the OP looked lonely and like she needed a friend. 🙄

He'd put his coat on the back of your chair? It's not typical is it? I'd trust your instincts over what any of us think, but FWIW it sounds to me like you handled it perfectly.

You did nothing wrong imho. You stated what you wanted and it wasn’t what he wanted; his problem not yours.

My back is up that he put his jacket on the back of your chair and it’s odd that he singled you out, as a lone female rather than the men floating around—it sounds a bit predatory. And no, age doesn’t excuse bad behaviour or boundaries being crossed.

It's the entitlement.

He may or may not have been creepy (I wasn't there), but he was 100% convinced it was your job to talk to him and entertain him.

Would he have done this to a lone bloke - and stuck around like that when the bloke clearly didn't want to talk to him? Asking his name after the bloke stopped responding to questions? No, of course he wouldn't. He did it to you because you're female and you owe him your compliance.

I've seen this so often before - men who see a lone woman (or group of women) out enjoying themselves and think, "I know! What they need is MY company!" And they just approach and hang around, in a way they would never do to a man, or group of men, or even a mixed group. It's because they think it's your job to be nice to them.

My partner is a magnet for this type of person , seems when we go out for a quiet drink / meal / coffee we have random people approach and engage her - she doesn’t mind or notice - does my head in personally.

Sometimes I just want peace or some time together without interruption.

No she didn’t have to state anything. No one is entitled to a conversation from a stranger - if she didn’t want to respond to him, why should she? She’s perfectly fine ignoring him. He needs to read the room and go away