Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

@Westerlee men are probably more direct though. They can't take hints so there's no point just ignoring them for ages. They're simple creatures! I couldn't be that direct either as I hate offending people but if it's such a problem then just best to use your words.

Rubbish. They can take hints just as well as women can. If he’d walked up to another man who ignored his questions and carried on looking at a screen, do you think he’d have put his jacket on the back of the other man’s chair and stood over him, waiting for him to respond? Of course he bloody wouldn’t! He’d have apologised for bothering him and gone away. We tell ourselves that men aren’t good at taking hints because it’s nicer to think that than the reality, which is the men who ignore the non verbal ‘go away’ signals they get from women are banking on women worrying about being perceived as rude and will talk to them if they hang around long enough, rather than doing what a man would do and telling them to fuck off and pester someone else.

Thank you and this is what I’ve realised later tonight. There were groups and lone men, he tried with friendly opener and I was just not interested, his face was a surprise, he tried again and I ignored, that’s when I could see others clocking on as they had already seen me sat myself watching the TV, like us all in the pub. He didn’t hang around for long but yes, no way, he was chatting to any of the solo men or other groups. It’s my local, know the bar men and women so I shall be back and look forward to blanking him again!

its similar in cafes, some just randomly start chatting to various people

im the same. I have no clue why really.

im very soft looking and friendly so maybe it is that? I look very young and im tiny, although im 53.

I have a real ton of childhood trauma nad sometimes I think people can sense my vulnerability and target me

I didn’t ignore him for ages and I did use my words. That’s a silly and easy way to excuse men to say they don’t take hints.

Oh come on. Women are way better at discerning non-verbal communication and body language than men are.

If he’d walked up to another man who ignored his questions and carried on looking at a screen, do you think he’d have put his jacket on the back of the other man’s chair and stood over him, waiting for him to respond?

We'll never know because like you said-

rather than doing what a man would do and telling them to fuck off and pester someone else.

I don't buy this at all. These men are clued up enough not to do it to other men. So you've got to ask yourself: why not? They just push their luck with women because they know we're conditioned to "be nice" to them (and they're pretty sure we'll never be a physical threat, even if they annoy us).

It's similar to them telling us to smile. You never catch them saying it to the 20-stone barman, for some reason.

Maybe others were watching in case you needed someone to step in?

I accept that women generally perform better than men at picking up on non verbal cues. But we’re talking body language and minute facial expressions, not completely ignoring someone.

If you are talking to a stranger and they don’t respond to your opener, nor to any of your subsequent questions, and you still don’t understand that they don’t want to talk to you, then there are either additional issues at play, or you’re banking on shaming someone into talking to you. That’s what this man was doing and if you think otherwise, then that might be down to internalised misogyny, or naivety, or a hopeless desire to always think the best in people. Either way, you would be wrong. He knew she wasn’t responding to him in the way he expected because she said he reacted when she ignored his first comment. There is no way he thought that she welcomed his presence.

You don’t owe him a damn thing. Arguably the one out of line is him. Men need to learn to just fucking leave women alone and let us enjoy our lives.
PLUS - he’d have to be living under a rock not to know how dangerous it is for a woman to talk to a strange man when she’s alone. He can just fuck right off with his nonsense.

He probably thought you were lonely or something, sigh

Or maybe he was the gang leader of the pub and wanted to initiate you, annoyed that you didn't know his high status

He's a (probably married) loser.

You could have just told him to bugger off.

He might have been lonely and it might have been easier to try to engage with you than a bunch of men he doesn't know. But life experience should have told him that you don't approach a much younger woman on her own.

People do tend to talk to women alone in pubs though, especially if everyone's watching the match.

So if a man was sitting in a pub watching a rugby or football match, he'd have to state outright that he wasn't interested in conversation, when surely a cursory reading of the situation would tell someone he wanted to... watch the match? Don't be daft. This is a ridiculous double standard where women are supposed to be available for chat with random strangers unless they have a note from their mum or have to go home to cook their husband's dinner or something. OP, you were fine. You told him the truth. You had every right to carry on doing what you wanted not feeling like you had to entertain some total random.

But how do you know they never do this to men? My cousin ended up chatting to an old lonely bloke in the pub, and even went to his house once afterwards. And he's not the friendliest guy in the world so doubt he initiated the conversation. He just felt sorry for the guy that he lived alone. But either way, there were no women involved and if there had been I'm sure she wouldn't have gone back to his house as that wouldn't have been wise. Surely everyone is conditioned not to be rude in general? Well, outside the world of Mumsnet at least.

I have the same thing when I try sitting on a park bench to quietly read my book. I stopped trying. There would always, ALWAYS be an older man taking a reading woman as a cue that she desperately must want him to start chatting to her.

Note they never do it to reading men.

But he left the minute you told him? And if you didn't ignore him for ages then it all sounds a bit of a nothing burger. He tried to chat, you weren't interested, he left. OK so he shouldn't have even initiated conversation, but some people are just friendly.

How do you know they don't? If you saw two blokes chatting you'd probably assume they're mates but they could've just met. Does no ones husband ever talk to blokes down the pub or walking the dog etc. I find that hard to believe.

Wait… he put his jacket on the back of YOUR chair? I would have picked it up between thing and forefinger and looked him in the eye while I dropped it onto the floor. I hate space invaders.

I voted YABU because it sounded to me like you were a new face in the pub, so he was trying to befriend and welcome you.

But you’re not wrong to trust your instincts, better to be rude than to come to harm

Wow kind of a similar weird thing happened to me just last week. Was going to start a thread

busy pub, I’m having lunch with my dad

by the way I look young, had people tell me I look like a teen. 16-19

this man also like 70 or more walks from other end of pub, comes up to our table and starts saying something to me. But it’s incomprehensible. I am confused. He keeps talking. It’s like ahgshdhhdbd heheh shyeheneneh shhend. Jsjeje ksjsjejs. Just incomprehensible. I try to understand what he is saying but I don’t understand.

my dad asks him what he wants. But he ignores my dad and keeps “talking” to me. My dad again asks him what he wants. He again ignores my dad and keeps “talking” to me. My dad says mate tell me what you want or leave

he then leaves

i felt bad because I thought made the poor guy had dementia or stroke and was confused or needed help

but then he goes back to his table with 3 other men and they understand him well? (And no they are not immigrants, all British/english men) Then I even saw him ordering no problem, talking to waitress and heard him talking normally when i was leaving.

and no he wasn’t drunk

big pub and he comes up to me from other end and starts talking just to me and not my dad?

super weird.

He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match

The whole thing could have been solved initially by saying ‘I’m not talking, I want to concentrate on watching the game’, or similar, as opposed to ignoring him and expecting him to understand, as some people are especially dense, or have no concept of social cues, so being blunt makes all clear from the get go. He initiated the drama by either genuinely not understanding the situation, or understanding it but choosing to ignore, and you kept it going by refusing to use your words until it had escalated.

If I’m in the pub watching the rugby the one bloke in not watching always tries to chat with me.

Theyd never dream of interrupting another man watching because a man with a drink facing a screen with a sporting fixture on it is obviously there to watch said fixture.

a woman on her own with a drink, facing the screen, is obviously not there for the fixture and therefore should chat an alleviate their boredom until the sport is finished.

Every time.