Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

[IndigoBluey]

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

Being ignored is a clear sign someone doesn't want to talk to you.

Women typically don't go out becuase they want to chat to men.
In fact, I'd say the chance a 30 year old woman going to a bar because she wants to chat with a 70 year old man she doesn't know is zero.

There were plenty of men his own age if he wanted an innocent chat. So why choose the woman half your age and keep pushing the matter when she's ignoring you then storm off when she rejects you? Not for nice reasons.

No-one is being paranoid - they’re literally saying it’s ok to not want to talk to other people and you don’t have to. If you want to talk to lots of random people, fill your boots, but not everyone does and that’s ok 🤷‍♀️

He was rude and in your personal space. You didn't initiate the conversation. He had no reason to be offended and no reason to approach you. He was embarrassed and he should be. Good for you being clear and bollocks to feeling guilty. Hi girl!

OP - you mention that people started to notice when you were ignoring me him. This is 100% not about you- I bet you he has a reputation for being the local creep. Or at least the pub bore.

people were probably watching in a ‘Nigel is up to his old tricks again’ way

Funny how they never want to be nice to men, just women, and always younger. 🤔

Another one who thinks we should all stay at home 😡

Put his coat on the bag of your chair? Should of added that to OP - would change responses from many. Thank God I'm 57 and now ignored. I wish I'd been more like you.

I don't know whether you're an insomniac or in a different country but for a long time now in UK courts, alcohol consumption has been counted as an aggravating feature making a crime worse, not a mitigating feature excusing bad behaviour.

Have you been reading about lots of pubs closing? The mens drinking pubs are really struggling. The ones I see like Lounges, a lot of Greene King, and Wetherspoons are doing fine. They tend to be the ones with lots of female customers.

He was extremely rude. When a woman says no it should be politely respected.

Oh silly me! My little fluffy head has been reading this all wrong! I'm so terribly, desperately sorry. My mistake. It's the woman's fault. Of course it is. Apologies 😘

I’d really love men to get this message

women don’t owe men conversation. If anyone tries to start a conversation with someone else and you are getting no response, or limited response, or are even told that person isn’t interested, just move on. It’s not that hard.

Id love it if my DD didn’t have to constantly navigate men’s attention. And then navigate their reactions when she politely says no.

They are not just ‘being nice’ fgs. Their perspective is entirely transactional and about their wants, their needs. Mostly sexual. Sometimes just ego. Sometimes dominance. Not for one second do they think of her wants or need to feel safe, to enjoy herself without having to worry about them. This started when she was 13 and I’ve seen it happen countless times. Am sick of it.

You don't owe random men conversation. If he's that lonely then I'm sure he could have found someone else in the pub to chat with. Why approach a woman half his age? I've had too many bad experiences of random men of various ages approaching me in public to think it's something entirely innocent. You deserve to be able to live your life without having random men demanding your attention and making you feel uncomfortable.

I used to occasionally go to my local by myself to read a book and take in the atmosphere when I was in my 20s, and I was frequently hassled by older men seeming to think that I was "lonely" or that it was odd that I was by myself. 🙄

Completely fine - his feelings are not more important than yours.

My dad is 70. He would never in a million years approach a woman half his age for conversation … or anything else!
He would consider it deeply weird, not least because his daughters are even older than that!
YANBU.

Gosh, I bet you were so grateful and relieved when they swooped in to rescue you from boredom or loneliness 🙄🤣

How many men do you think this man walked up to, put his coat over their chair and asked their name? I can answer that

None.

Crikey, don’t any of you come and live in a rural village. EVERYONE talks to you, regardless, its polite and kind to pass the time of day. Some people are lonely, or just want a small touchpoint. Is it really so hard to be nice and maybe make someone’s day a bit better 🤷🏽‍♀️

Many years ago, if a lone woman went into a pub, it would be seen that she 'wanted company'. I suspect that's precisely why this man approached you. It's been socially acceptable for a lone woman to go into a pub for a drink by herself, for decades!

I do think when this man first approached you, it would have been better to have said 'I'm here for a quiet drink and to watch the rugby, not to talk' rather than blanking this man. Not everyone understands hints, and clearly this man didn't. He didn't get the message until you eventually said something.

Don't feel bad for saying something. A elderly man should have known better, than to approach a woman old enough to be his daughter.

You could have just responded straight away saying "Sorry, I am trying to watch the last ten minutes of the game and not able to have a conversation while doing so." I think it is better than ignoring someone when they come up. Obviously if they press on then ignore, as you already told them.

YABU if his initial questions were innocuous and you just blanked him. YANBU for telling him you just want to watch the match.

As soon as he started talking why not just say ‘I’m just focusing on the match, don’t want to miss it’ job done. THEN if he kept talking it would be perfectly reasonable to ignore him. It’s completely fine to not want to engage but just say so, there’s no need to be rude about it.

He would probably have tried again after the ten minutes.

Locals are more often than not very sociable drinking holes and his actions wouldn’t have been unusual or uncommon.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be on your own though, so good for you.

In your position, I would have politely but firmly told him that I didn’t want company. It’s just good manners and doesn’t cause needless upset or awkwardness.

Women, know your place. How dare you go into a space populated mainly by men.

Anyone suggesting this was just a nice guy angling for a casual chat needs a wake up call. There are plenty of people who would talk to a brick wall, my mum of a similar age included, none of them would carry on speaking when someone didn’t respond or huff off when they said they didn’t want to chat. They’d just move onto someone else!

Read Fix the System, Not the Women by Laura Bates and think about your own ‘list’. It was heartbreaking to think of all the ways women accommodate the sexist world we live in without even realising.