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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Enjoying quiet drink & elder man approaches

594 replies

IndigoBluey · 07/03/2026 23:54

I had a much needed free and solo afternoon today. Went for a long walk in the sun, coffee, just enjoyed being by myself for once. I was keen to see the rugby score and so stopped off for a drink in a local pub by myself. I am a 34 year old woman. It was such a fun atmosphere. Until, an older guy, maybe 70 saddled up to my table and started to engage in chat. I wasn’t in the mood, I was really keen to watch the match and this was the final ten minutes. He asked a few questions and when I didn’t answer he just stood right by me where I was sat down looking and smiling. I felt really awkward and aware that others in the pub were looking now. He then asked my name and I quite directly told him I just want to watch the match. He then left in a huff. I felt a little bad after, thinking maybe I was rude and worse, he was lonely and wanted some chat but then there were other older men on their own standing at the bar so he could have chatted with them. Anyway off he went and I left after the match ended about 15 minutes later to walk home and saw him on the corner of the street five minutes along, fine as it it a small town but awkward as he clocked me. Was I rude or is it fine to say no thanks to chat to random people

OP posts:
HelmholtzWatson · 08/03/2026 05:19

aurynne · 08/03/2026 04:38

Fuck that honey. Women will go wherever the fuck we want, and if a random dude needs to be told to fuck off, then so be it.

Right on sister, but no need to come moaning on the internet about it.

CurlewKate · 08/03/2026 05:23

HelmholtzWatson · 08/03/2026 05:19

Right on sister, but no need to come moaning on the internet about it.

She wouldn’t have to if he’d behaved like a civilized human being and taken no for an answer at once. And if anyone thinks this is anything to do with the age of either person involved, I suggest they have a chat with their young adult daughters.

Monty27 · 08/03/2026 05:27

@IndigoBluey you can't teach an old dog new tricks 😊
He was probably just happy see a new face. I know the sort of pub. Yawn.
That aside, did your team win?

Nos4r2 · 08/03/2026 05:29

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/03/2026 00:25

Until someone (a man usually) is actually unpleasant to me I explain with a smile that sorry, I'm really not in the mood for conversation but I hope they enjoy the rest of the match (or whatever).

If course, I'm not sorry, but I at least attempt to get things clear without upsetting myself or the deluded old fucker who's made an unwelcome beeline for me.

If they don't back off, I turn my back or move away. If it ever got really uncomfortable I would leave the venue - my safety is more important than a match.

Sorry that spoiled your nice afternoon.

Also sorry, but I think he "sidled" up to you rather than saddled.

Does it matter saddle! sidle!. We all knew what the OP meant.
There's always one who thinks they need to educate.

PensionMention · 08/03/2026 05:31

The entitlement of men is astounding, you did nothing wrong.

I was in the queue to get in to evensong at York Cathedral and the man behind me in the queue told me I needed to get a man. Now I am actually married but that’s irrelevant. Can’t even go to a bloody church service without getting bothered.

letshavetea · 08/03/2026 05:32

YANBU. I would have just said (loudly). No, I don’t want to talk. I’d have said it once and then ignored him.
No pleases or thank you’s for people like this.
If he persisted I’d have told staff he was bothering me.

SexIsNotNebulous · 08/03/2026 06:01

Monty27 · 08/03/2026 05:27

@IndigoBluey you can't teach an old dog new tricks 😊
He was probably just happy see a new face. I know the sort of pub. Yawn.
That aside, did your team win?

I’m guessing the OP went in to watch England in the six nations, so probably not.

YANBU OP, most men in pubs on a Saturday afternoon with sport on the TV are generally in there to watch the game and have a few beers with their mates, hence why most of them left you alone to enjoy it too.

Mr Creepy, I believe saw you there as a lone woman who was desperate for male “company”, he wasn’t interested in the game hence why he homed in then left before it finished.

I wonder what goes through Creepy Men’s brains, and how they perceive this behaviour to not only be acceptable but welcome.

QuintadosMalvados · 08/03/2026 06:23

MsMarple · 08/03/2026 00:13

No, of course you shouldn't have to talk to someone you don't want to, but why didn't you just politely tell him straight away that you wanted to focus on the game, rather than deliberately ignoring his questions for however long? It sounds like you made it more uncomfortable than it needed to be.

Lots of people do go to pubs to have a chat, and want to pass the time in a more or less sociable way, so he wasn't unreasonable to try to start a conversation.

Totally agree.

"I went into a social environment where the atmosphere is buzzing and people have taken alcohol and I was amazed that somebody approached me for a chat. Said person did go away when I said I didn't want to talk. "

FigTreeInEurope · 08/03/2026 06:26

I'm a bloke in his 50s and I wouldn't dream of doing this, and neither would any of my mates. If he put his coat on the back of your chair that's crossing a line definitely. I partially want to extent benefit of the doubt and say it's a generational thing, but it probably isn't. It's probably exactly what your gut is telling you, and I hope many men now air strongly on the side of caution around women on their own. You shouldn't have to deal with it, it's entitled, and you don't owe him a thing. He'd be the first to be puffing up his feathers if it was his wife that someone was beelining for an innocent chat with.

BringBackCatsEyes · 08/03/2026 06:33

I would have said straight away that I didn’t want to talk to him rather than ignore him.
At which stage did he put his jacket on your chair, that’s very intrusive and you didn’t say that in your OP.

QuintadosMalvados · 08/03/2026 06:41

hoarahloux · 08/03/2026 00:25

But when he spoke to you at first, you ignored him?

According to your first post you didn't just say you were watching the match. You ignored him completely.

Posters here are placing a lot of nefarious intentions on the man described without knowing him. I just don't feel comfortable declaring a man to be a creepy, scary, woman-hating "creepy fuck" for daring to speak to a woman in a pub.

Yeah, I'm a woman and I don't think that every man who engages with me is trying it on. I'm not that fucking attractive.
It's a social environment, people are there to mix. A pub is not a library, cafe or restaurant.

And even if this guy was trying to chat her up, so fucking what? As long as he went away when she said she was not interested there's nothing to be annoyed about.

SatsumaDog · 08/03/2026 06:41

This kind of thing is a bloody pain op. I had hoped it would stop as I got older. Sadly not. The men have just got older. Now at 55 I’m regularly harassed by men in their 70/80’s. Seriously, what on earth do they think they’re doing? Even if I wasn’t happily married, I wouldn’t be interested in someone decades older than myself. It never stops unfortunately.

QuintadosMalvados · 08/03/2026 06:43

SatsumaDog · 08/03/2026 06:41

This kind of thing is a bloody pain op. I had hoped it would stop as I got older. Sadly not. The men have just got older. Now at 55 I’m regularly harassed by men in their 70/80’s. Seriously, what on earth do they think they’re doing? Even if I wasn’t happily married, I wouldn’t be interested in someone decades older than myself. It never stops unfortunately.

Edited

How exactly did he sexually harass her in this instance?

SatsumaDog · 08/03/2026 06:43

Apologies for the underlining. Can’t seem
to fix it!

SatsumaDog · 08/03/2026 06:45

QuintadosMalvados · 08/03/2026 06:43

How exactly did he sexually harass her in this instance?

Where did I say he sexually harrassed her?

Womaninhouse17 · 08/03/2026 06:49

He tried to chat, you told him you wanted to watch the match, he left. What's the problem?

Amiacoolorwarmcolour · 08/03/2026 06:57

WilfredsPies · 08/03/2026 00:21

He wasn’t some lonely old gent, who’d just popped into his local to see a friendly face and have some human interaction. He was a creepy fuck who was trying his luck with someone half his age, and who was put out that you clearly didn’t see him for the catch he considers himself to be. He expected a woman young enough to be his daughter to feel flattered that he’d approached and to return his interest. It’s the equivalent of you approaching an 18 year old boy and getting annoyed with him because he had no interest in ignoring the match he was watching and stroking your ego instead.

You’re questioning yourself because women are conditioned to be polite and make excuses for men’s creepy behaviour. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! You hold your head up high. He should be feeling embarrassed that he had any expectations that you’d be happy to have his company.

This.

QuintadosMalvados · 08/03/2026 07:00

I'm curious:

If he was trying to chat her up, in order for men and women to form relationships, somebody has to make the first move by way of trying to make conversation so I'm kind of surprised at the flak this guy is getting.

I mean obviously he should have buggered off when she expressed that she wasn't interested (which he did to be fair). I can't stress that enough.

Now given the obvious fact that a relationship requires a first move by someone, OP, are you perhaps just disgusted that a man of his age tried it on with you and that's what is behind this outrage?
Not judging you if so. I'd be the same. but if it was a hot guy, would you feel the same outrage?

Because otherwise this really is a case of nothing to see here move along.

Amiacoolorwarmcolour · 08/03/2026 07:02

If he wanted just a friendly chat he should have approached the men stood at the bar.
Strange how women aren’t chatting up men much younger than them isn’t it.

swingingbytheseat · 08/03/2026 07:04

You definitely did the right thing. Good for you.

EleanorReally · 08/03/2026 07:04

sounds a bit odd of you
i mean you go to a pub, you have a drink and watch the sport
you could do this at home,
surely the pub is meant to be a sociable place, isnt that the whole point?

swingingbytheseat · 08/03/2026 07:05

EleanorReally · 08/03/2026 07:04

sounds a bit odd of you
i mean you go to a pub, you have a drink and watch the sport
you could do this at home,
surely the pub is meant to be a sociable place, isnt that the whole point?

No, she is not there to provide comfort/entertainment/conversation to an older lonely man who could’ve gone and made conversation with someone on his own age and gender.

MyThreeWords · 08/03/2026 07:07

Uck. There is a similar man at my gym. There is never any suggestion that he is trying things on in a 'chat up' kind of a way, it really is all about using people for conversation/interaction. But it is so extremely insensitively done, with such extreme entitlement. Question after very direct question, and zero self-correction when I try to give all the usual hints of just wanting to be in my own headspace.

The first time he did it to me, I eventually felt the need to give him a very polite but explicit statement that I didn't want to talk. I said something like "Sorry, but the sauna is a quiet time for me and I don't really want to chat."

He did stop, but a few minutes later, as he left the sauna, he burst out with a criticism of me, saying that I was rude and cold.

I think that low lighting, no glasses, and poor facial memory means that he doesn't remember who I am, and the other day I got the same overly-direct and insistent questioning. I just stonewalled as much as my conditioning allows me too - the very briefest nod, a single word, and pointedly looking away. He looked very disorientated but then lasered in on other poor souls.

TBH, from several chances to observe him, I think he does it to men and women equally. However, his female victims are much more likely to feel trapped in a conversation that is entirely dominated by him and continues regardless of their real interest.

He is in his seventies (I'm in my 60s, so he's not much older than me), generally seeming alert and intelligent, and has had a professional working life. Clearly insensitive to social cues, but, equally clearly, able to correct for that if he chose to. I mean, he evidently has the capacity to say to himself "Ok, l I don't get the cues, but I know there are rules that I should follow, so to avoid annoying people I should make sure they they are actively talking back to me, and that I don't talk for too long.'

Pinkwhales · 08/03/2026 07:07

It's always the old men isn't it.
Speak to them and you are "asking for it" ignore them and "you are a frigid/nasty/ugly bitch".

Can't win. I just clearly state I am sitting on my own because I want to be on my own. Still get dirty looks.

Younger men often butt in telling "grandad to stop bothering the lady/her".

I am sick to the back teeth of old men approaching me in shops too. Just bugger off, I am not your carer

EleanorReally · 08/03/2026 07:09

swingingbytheseat · 08/03/2026 07:05

No, she is not there to provide comfort/entertainment/conversation to an older lonely man who could’ve gone and made conversation with someone on his own age and gender.

what?
stick to your own age?
stick to your own gender?
what an odd opinion