To feel embarrassed about being frugal?

[MissJ67]

After reading a recent thread where people talked about their most extravagant indulgences, I read through and realised and pretty much couldn't afford any of them.
I thought I was extravagant buying sourdough bread and premium sausages!

It's partly through choice, partly not. I earn £34,500 for 41 hours work per week which I know is not great really for a 35 year old. I am applying for roles around 38k+ but sadly it is very competitive, I'm applying up to 40 miles away to give myself further opportunities.

I am renting out/doing up a flat until I can sell it which has also battered me a little financially. Majority of my clothes are from charity shops/Primark. I don't have a gym membership, I bought some weights for £20 and I do home workouts or running.
I get an eyebrow wax once a month, hair cut every couple of months (it's a bob so needs more trims) not at high end salons. I do my own hair colour, nails etc.

My budget for travel/trips each year is probably around £700/800. If I had more money, I would travel in first class on the train and plane because I am sick of overcrowded, noisy public transport full of inconsiderate people. I would probably get my teeth professionally whitened, travel more and work less.

I wouldn't say I'm tight/stingy but they're commonly confused with frugality. I just can't afford it, I have to stick to a budget, I rarely splurge, I don't have any savings. Last month I got a random £167 council tax bill despite them giving me a refund for it the month prior, then a sudden tax change with 3 days notice and a £280 hmrc deduction from wages. That £450 I've lost is 20% of my salary and the cost of my mortgage, I feel like im always being battered by things like this. Anyone else? If I had money I'd probably still live relatively modestly, but I feel embarrassed and don't want people to think I'm cheap and tight.

And even more fantasists.

Don’t worry about what other people do, and definitely don’t be embarrassed! A lot of those people might be in debt up to their eyeballs!
I totally can’t be bothered to sit at the hair dressers for hours and spend hundreds on it. I did it once, I didn’t like it, and the results were not worth the hassle and the cost. I’m much happier doing my own hair. I get it cut 2x/year (I’m long hair) and I never ever get my nails done (I’ve good nails and I’m happy to shape them myself). I prefer to buy clothes on Vinted and go for classic styles. I’ve been the same size all my life and I’ve clothes that are 20 years old and they still fit and look great. I spend money on what matters to me not on what people ‘expect’ others to spend on.
I was raised to be frugal and I much prefer cooking and making my own food, and live modestly. I feel that we get the best ingredients, buy organic whenever I can, and good quality foods. I know what you mean re: owning property but not being cash rich. We own a few properties but they are investments. The tenants pay the mortgage and there’s some income from them but we are not rich.
I also like to give to charity and help those less fortunate, in this country and abroad too. Personally I’d not pay the extortionate prices of first class travel but that’s just me.
Don’t worry about what other people think of you or what they do! Just be an honest, kind, decent person and enjoy your life!

She earns a decent salary. It’s not bad at all, a lot of people earn less and she’s still young.

Your income and lifestyle sounds perfectly nice and normal. I think that thread attracted people who had extravagances to talk about, but also, as others have said, it was asking what people spend on, not what they save on. So on that thread I mentioned that DH and I take the kids on holiday a lot, as that's an extravagance, but I didn't mention that our newest car is 10 years old (and I reckon has another 10 in it) we still have the same TV DH already owned when I met him in 2007, we live in a relatively small 3 bedroom cottage and spent 5 years ploughing every penny we earned into overpaying on our mortgage so it's paid off etc etc. There will also have been plenty of people talking shit, because it's Mumsnet. Try not to compare yourself to others, sounds like you're doing great!

They omit to mention they have really well paid jobs and it is not realistic for many to do it.

I think it sounds great. You own your place, you live within your means. Stay focused on your career - it will improve. Well done.

This isn’t living frugally

i posted on that thread and in hindsight I look like a spendy dick. I’m really not, and travel on a plane with premium seats happens about every 4-5 years (and only if long haul which is only to see family), I spend a lot on DD and days out etc but at detriment to me, almost never buy anything for me new unless on sale or from vinted etc and bought the car i wanted but was still 1yr old used and i will keep at least 7 years.

I guess my point is most people are probably frugal in different ways and prioritize only some things, one only what feels the most good or makes their day happiest the most etc. We probably only notice the things different to us so it seems flashy but they won’t be like that all the time. Unless you are genuinely wealthy, and some people are but it’s probably not as common as you think

Why are you embarrassed by cutting your cloth? I’m 31 and I bake my own bread, soak chickpeas instead of tinned, grow my own veg, refuse to buy fast food, take a flask of coffee to university, use the library for books, use a second hand home gym, buy all my furniture off Facebook…

I haven’t cut my hair in 2 years, my brows are plucked myself, my nails kept clear and groomed with a nail file. I go on holiday around the UK now.

I have the money to spend on these things usually… but why would I? Who would it be for? I am happy and love living this way. I am not cheap… I am sensible. And my life will be easier for it long term.

@GoldenCupsatHarvestTime I could have written your post! As you said, there are plenty of things I could buy, but why would I? I sometimes get pleasure from going round shops and seeing all the things I don't want or need to buy.

I like you already. How refreshingly normal.

I know it's a cliché, but literally none of that shit will make you happier and more fulfilled. I know it's crap having to juggle to cover bills, but having a PT and white teeth will not make your life better.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed about. What you are describing is living within your means. We all have months where we get hit hard with unexpected expenses.

Where you are unreasonable is comparing yourself to a post written by someone anonymously on the Internet. For all you know, they are chatting out of their behind. In real life some will have more than you and others less. You have a property, earn your own money and are independent. That there is a lot to be proud of. Be kind to yourself.

Oh look another goady click bait made up thread. Yippee! 🎣 2/10

I was going to say, by your standards I’m frugal! And I’m definitely not actually frugal.

I buy most of my clothes from Vinted and the like. I don’t have gym membership (I like running and walking outdoors). I don’t get my eyebrows done and don’t go to the hairdressers nearly as often as you do.

I do have two kids though and a big mortgage!

Im frugal and proud! Earn a good living but I was raised to be frugal as we didnt have much money. Second hand clothes, charity shopping with my daughters batch cooking, mending clothes and altering them, repairing duvets covers, making soup from the dead veg in the fridge, boiling the chicken bones up etc. This dress up money to spend on other things and helps to look after the environment.

I don’t think that’s frugal, it’s living within your means but still treating yourself. Also if you’re doing up a flat you own to sell you’re doing better than a lot of people your age who can’t get on the property ladder at all so don’t feel bad, you’re doing well. Hear you on the feeling like an extravagant when you buy sourdough bread though - I feel the same!

Your wage is fine. Better than many.

What that thread didn't show was the number of people flexing about their luxuries, who can't actually afford them. I bet a fair percentage live off their credit cards

I suspect very few people live this way. Absolutely no one I know is spending thousands on designer trainers, clothes or luxury furniture or bedding.

Your life sounds exactly like mine and the vast majority of the population. It certainly isn't anything to be embarrassed about, I certainly aren't embarrassed by my life!

It was just stuff like "I send my daughter at uni hundreds of pounds every week so she doesn't need to work and can afford to shop at Waitrose!"
For a start what exactly is that teaching young adults about money, and it's just trying to make people feel like crap for having to shop in places like Aldi or Lidl.

Tbh, that sort of attitude would make me think the person was pretty thick AND insecure too, to worry so much about what other people think of where they shop!

OP, something a counsellor told me a few years back may help you, about what other people say: " They may say it and they may think it, but that doesn't mean it is true."

You don't have to take their opinions as fact. They could be completely wrong (as per their opinion of two perfectly decent supermarkets, for example).

But why are you letting some anonymous comment on an Internet thread wind you up so much?

You don't know the person and don't even know if the comment is true or not. And if it is, then so what? I think it's ridiculous but I don't know the person, or their daughter and I'm assuming neither do you. I guarantee the poster isn't concerned about your situation and you shouldn't be about theirs. It literally has no bearing on your own life.

You worry too much about what other people are doing. There’s a guy at my son’s uni whose parents bought a property so he can live in it at uni. Do I spend a moment thinking about that? No! Not until just this minute.

You’ll send yourself round the bend if you carry on like this.

You know the Mr Micawber principle? It's good for good reason.

I have a plan B for everything, which is good because I'm being made redundant and won't go without for quite a while if I can't get work.