To feel embarrassed about being frugal?

[MissJ67]

After reading a recent thread where people talked about their most extravagant indulgences, I read through and realised and pretty much couldn't afford any of them.
I thought I was extravagant buying sourdough bread and premium sausages!

It's partly through choice, partly not. I earn £34,500 for 41 hours work per week which I know is not great really for a 35 year old. I am applying for roles around 38k+ but sadly it is very competitive, I'm applying up to 40 miles away to give myself further opportunities.

I am renting out/doing up a flat until I can sell it which has also battered me a little financially. Majority of my clothes are from charity shops/Primark. I don't have a gym membership, I bought some weights for £20 and I do home workouts or running.
I get an eyebrow wax once a month, hair cut every couple of months (it's a bob so needs more trims) not at high end salons. I do my own hair colour, nails etc.

My budget for travel/trips each year is probably around £700/800. If I had more money, I would travel in first class on the train and plane because I am sick of overcrowded, noisy public transport full of inconsiderate people. I would probably get my teeth professionally whitened, travel more and work less.

I wouldn't say I'm tight/stingy but they're commonly confused with frugality. I just can't afford it, I have to stick to a budget, I rarely splurge, I don't have any savings. Last month I got a random £167 council tax bill despite them giving me a refund for it the month prior, then a sudden tax change with 3 days notice and a £280 hmrc deduction from wages. That £450 I've lost is 20% of my salary and the cost of my mortgage, I feel like im always being battered by things like this. Anyone else? If I had money I'd probably still live relatively modestly, but I feel embarrassed and don't want people to think I'm cheap and tight.

I don't see the above as frugal! I last had my hair done in September. Before that it was about 8 months earlier. I don't get my eyebrows done ever!

I do travel, although we don't do luxury as we can't afford. We self cater generally and not a package as it's cheaper not to.

We get take aways and eat out more than many, but we go somewhere cheap when we do and do it a lot less than we used to. I buy the sausages on offer but do like a nice loaf of bed every so often. I also like to splurge on Kerry Gold.

I guess it's how perceive luxuries/frugality!

I'm comfortable in that I can pay my bills, do the social activities I want to do, travel pretty much where I like, and spend enough on personal stuff to be happy with my health and appearance. However, I'd never 'splurge' if by that you mean ££££ for a handbag, £££ for a meal, jewellery, first class travel, because I'm not well off enough to be able to do that without it being at the expense of something else.
I prefer to spread what I have over multiple areas, buying more cheaply across all of them, then throw a large chunk at one thing. So I perhaps come across as frugal when I'm shopping in primark despite being able to afford higher end, or staying in a travel lodge rather than a boutique hotel. But overall I don't short change myself.

Surely things like eyebrows and sour dough are extravagances? I'm not particularly hard up these days but still see a loaf of sourdough as a bit special and things like nails and eyebrows as extravagant treats.

The reason I'm comfortable now is becuase ive always seen those things as extravagant. If anything I'm (quietly) a little bit proud, not embarrassed.

these people, surely, either have more disposable/credit card debt @MissJ67

So you're not really comparing like for like.

You are living within your means and that's a very good thing.

People are talking about the eyebrows, and that's fair but I was trying to make the point that some people get regular facials, manicures, pedicures, spray tans, highlights, botox, fillers and so on.

I really don’t think that’s how people live in the real world - many of the people on Mumsnet live in a very different bubble to most ordinary people. I agree with a previous poster that having your eyebrows waxed and hair cut isn’t frugal - it’s a choice of how to spend your money. I never pay for either but not because I’m being frugal - I’ve got a pair of tweezers for my eyebrows and I’ve got long hair, trim my fringe myself, and wouldn’t dream of going to a hairdresser. But I choose to spend my money on other things. Now that Im semi retired I have to live within my means, but I would never judge anyone who runs up debts; I spent the vast majority of my adult life in debt and it was just a way of life, as it is for many people.

I think your life is pretty standard, which is decent.

Can you link the treat thread please? Interested to see what's mentioned.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Live your life how you see fit…most of what you see/read online is utter tosh at the best of times.

was your unexpected tax bill because you have received unearned income in renting out your flat?

Spending money you don't have is foolish and being broke doesn't make you tight.

Being frugal is carefully thinking about the money you spend and trying to have as few unnecessary extras as possible. Based on what's important to you and what isn't within your budget.

Being tight is unnecessarily refusing to spend money you definitely do have on things that you either need or would enjoy. And can easily afford. And not paying your share when buying things with others. But happily accepting their hospitality or generosity.

I don't think you are being frugal. You are just living a regular life within your means. You are not going without, neither do you have enough spare for personal trainers that cost thousands (which most people don't of course).

I’m not sure I’d consider that to be frugal.
Frugal is being very careful with money and waste, overly careful, when you don’t really have to be.
It sounds like you’re just living in line with your financial situation. So it’s not really optional, it’s just life.

For the vast majority of people, a luxury expenditure in one area means going without another, if they aim to live within their means. I have to make haircuts last a bit longer if I want a new dress, for example. Someone more affluent might not see the haircut as a luxury at all, while others are happy to cut their own hair. It's just normal, and people make different choices. No point comparing yourself to someone much richer

I put you are being unreasonable. You really are being normal & nothing to be ashamed of. Having a budget & living within your means is much better than not.

I think there is a large cross section of people who post on here, some very wealthy, some just getting by & others struggling. Then you have those that just make it up as they go along.

Have been in the position of having more month than money, it is a struggle but I found it got better eventually. Everyone has different priorities too. Comparison is the thief of all joy

The only clothes I've bought in about the last two years are socks. My old ones have plenty of wear in them yet. Clothes that is, not socks. I don't wear makeup or get treatments and I cut my own hair. I walk to the supermarket with my granny cart and drag it home to save what an Uber would cost (about £8.) I haven't been away anywhere since 2018.

Do I feel bad? No! I suggest you don't bother either. 😂

I think you're pretty normal op. I bought some waitrose sourdough and fresh berries the other day, it felt very extravagant. I also occasionally treat myself to a bottle of £10 hair conditioner. I saw that thread too but I didn't contribute because I felt on a very different wave length to the other posters 😂 I don't feel bad about it though! Most of it was an enormous waste of money in my opinion.

You're living within your means while also spending a little bit on things that others might consider extravagant or unnecessary.

The other thread is specifically about extravagant things that people buy. So things people know are unnecessary, luxurious and expensive but that they want and can afford.

You're comparing apples and oranges. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Tbh, I think those people live in a very different world to mine too. Even if I had a lot of money, don't think I would ever be into designer clothes etc. And I cut and dye my own hair, due to never liking a single cut at the hairdressers!

Edited to add - I did buy a really posh sofa with inheritance money, our old sofa (which I kept) is very old and I've never really had anything nice furniture wise. New one, velvet chesterfield by Saxon cost me £3k. It's rock hard, I can't sit on it and it gave my other half sciatica! Looks nice but serves me right thinking good money meant quality and comfort.

Being frugal is something to be proud of imo.

What you describe isn’t about being frugal, you are spending what you can afford and not getting into debt. Which is also something to be proud of.

When I got married, in the late 80's, nobody that i knew spent money on the sorts of 'extravagances' such as personal trainers, getting their nails done or designer clothes and buying a coffee was something you did when you were on holiday, not just because you were on your way to work or going to the shops.

I don't consider your way of life frugal at all - probably because I measure it by the standards that I lived by as someone of your age and I'm much the same now even though I could afford to spend on more things.

My DS (30) earns slightly less than you from his main job, but has managed to buy a house by himself (relatively cheap area combined with him living rent free here after Uni). He budgets carefully but enjoys holidays, lunch out occasionally, a hobby and runs a car. He also has a 2nd casual job (he's had that for over 10 years) which allows him to enjoy little extras now and then.
But he's happy with that lifestyle. Has never coveted designer clothes or expensive furniture/decor. In fact his house has been almost entirely furnished from charity shops or antique shops. Nothing wrong with that.

Why does it matter what other people do and why is the opinion of other people important to you?

People live out their fantasies online. Take no notice 😂 not everyone on MN is raking in a 500k salary

I think your financial situation is much more normal, average and reflective of most people in this country than the posters on the other thread. You’re living within your means, you’re not in poverty and you own a property. You’re doing fine and have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Don't be embarrassed about who you are, the choices you make, or the values you hold dear. If someone looks down on you for being stingy or tight while living a perfectly ordinary life within your means, that's their problem, not yours.

I imagine there are a great many people who wish they could be like you, but are addicted to spending and image to the detriment of their own financial (and mental) health and security.

My dad always says the difference between careful and mean is this; careful people cut their own expenses, mean people do it to others. So a careful person might skip a pub trip because they’re saving, a mean person would go, but not buy a round when it’s their turn.

Scottish dad logic.