To feel embarrassed about being frugal?

[MissJ67]

After reading a recent thread where people talked about their most extravagant indulgences, I read through and realised and pretty much couldn't afford any of them.
I thought I was extravagant buying sourdough bread and premium sausages!

It's partly through choice, partly not. I earn £34,500 for 41 hours work per week which I know is not great really for a 35 year old. I am applying for roles around 38k+ but sadly it is very competitive, I'm applying up to 40 miles away to give myself further opportunities.

I am renting out/doing up a flat until I can sell it which has also battered me a little financially. Majority of my clothes are from charity shops/Primark. I don't have a gym membership, I bought some weights for £20 and I do home workouts or running.
I get an eyebrow wax once a month, hair cut every couple of months (it's a bob so needs more trims) not at high end salons. I do my own hair colour, nails etc.

My budget for travel/trips each year is probably around £700/800. If I had more money, I would travel in first class on the train and plane because I am sick of overcrowded, noisy public transport full of inconsiderate people. I would probably get my teeth professionally whitened, travel more and work less.

I wouldn't say I'm tight/stingy but they're commonly confused with frugality. I just can't afford it, I have to stick to a budget, I rarely splurge, I don't have any savings. Last month I got a random £167 council tax bill despite them giving me a refund for it the month prior, then a sudden tax change with 3 days notice and a £280 hmrc deduction from wages. That £450 I've lost is 20% of my salary and the cost of my mortgage, I feel like im always being battered by things like this. Anyone else? If I had money I'd probably still live relatively modestly, but I feel embarrassed and don't want people to think I'm cheap and tight.

I think you're better off than alot of people. I'm in my forties and don't even own a home. I'm so embarrassed. I don't know anyone else my age that isn't a homeowner, i feel lkke such a failure. I also don't get my eyebrows waxed or travel much or sny of that stuff so I'd love to be in your position.

This I actually ENJOY getting good deals, saving money etc. I happily buy my clothes at the bootsales ( much better brands and quality than id buy new) queen of yellow stickered food and too good to go / olio. Hair model for trainee gets me a CBD for a fiver.
Etc etc

I get what you are saying but actually being careful and being sensible is different than frugal (and arguably, tight). I earn a good salary but grew up in poverty and know it could happen again so I buy all my clothes second hand (and always get compliments), travel as cheaply as I can (though this is an area I spent most on). When I leave H, I will have to start all over again from scratch in my early 50's. I know I can do it because I have never allowed myself to believe it would last forever, and actually most of my spending is still of the scarcity mindset.

Your not being frugal. You are living to budget
Frugal is living well below your means. Buying budget, never going on holiday, mending rather than buying. All while sitting on 10s thousands in the bank.

I agree

I read that thread and laughed. I couldn't imagine any of it

We sound similar OP though I'm rather older. I think the key difference is being single. I earn a little bit more than you, am single, but my housing is far more. With overpayments my mortgage is £900 a month. Utility bills are barely cheaper of course, and council tax is more expensive. Holidays are more expensive. Life is just more expensive as a single person. I don't watch every penny but I do watch every pound.

I think you're doing just fine, not that it should matter to you what anyone else thinks about your life. Finances are not other people's business, how would anyone even know?

Based on what I see, you live like a normal person in the north, and you have a decent salary for outside London. Most importantly, within your means,

Remember that the internet is not real life, it amplifies extremes. People would only post their best outfits, trips and locations on social media. Not their messy kitchen or Aldi grocery shop.

Let me tell you about me for context. I live in the north and thanks to having done well when I was young, I will be 'comfortable' for the rest of my life.

However, some years ago I started thinking about why people that are comfortable live the way that they do. Huge houses, faraway holidays, generic branded clothing, ... And I came to the conclusion that it's social pressure derived online rather than anything else.

So this is how I live:

• Work in a salaried job, give myself a slightly smaller monthly budget than what you have, as I really don't think I need more, and put the rest aside
• Dressed head-to-toe high end designer, but all is 2nd hand pieces that I love or old pieces with a back story. Own about 40 clothing items all in all and I love them all. Super engaged in reselling/renting/thrifting, monthly clothes spend is average 0. I don't think I need to own a huge wardrobe, it's about quality, and also sharing
• Skincare/beauty/makeup - use about 10 high quality products, replenish as and when needed
• Holidays - largely lost interest. Instead, I am doing things I love in the UK almost every weekend. I have plans maybe 3 days a week, they don't tend to cost much, e.g. museum visits, but give me great enjoyment, I feel my overall quality of life is fantastic
• Eating out - I basically don't do it. Realised that I did it to fit in, rather than as something I enjoyed. When friends ask to eat out, I suggest an alternative activity like a walk, coffee, gallery visit. When I spend 30 quid on a meal, I always imagine what I could buy for that in the thrift store, and how much more joy it would give me. However, I do buy exceptionally high quality groceries, and love hand picking them at independent stores
• TV/ subscriptions - I don't have any, other than music on my phone
• Housing - currently live in a medium-sized house way too big for me, having donwgraded from a 6-bed, but I'd love to find the perfect tiny house. They're just hard to come by in safe and well-connected areas

I know I am the consumerist society's worst nightmare, a person with money that doesn't spend it, but I don't see why I should spend on things I don't want or enjoy just to fit my identity as a consumer.

Now, I am not squirreling money away for 'old age' as I don't really believe in that either. Instead I spend a lot on culture and arts. Buy books, get premium culture festival passes, donate to philosophical causes, finance art. I'd never complain about the cost of a cultural/science activity, these fields need money. However, that's fully a choice and a privilege, and I could stop that tomorrow.

Bottom line is, it's not 'tight' or 'frugal' only spending money on what you need and nothing beyond. It's called living within your means.

@MissJ67 I read some of the other thread and thought it poor taste, but then I'm not a boasting sort. When we were kids we had a nice house but no spare cash, I had 3rd hand clothes, being the youngest of 3.
As an adult I've been lucky, weve never had a lot of money but haven't been poor either. I volunteer for a local charity that helps needy people and my life is as removed from theirs as a millionaires life is from mine.

I mean, I'm just a few years older than you and earned minimum wage until I was about 36, so I think you're doing pretty well.

I think living within your means and/our frugally is a very creative endeavour that people should be proud of. A small act of rebellion against all the capitalist crap.

I have a lot of respect for people that do charity work. I am considering after my surgery, rather than throwing myself into full time work, I would perhaps like to volunteer for women's aid for a few months. I've been through it, and know how to help

I don't think you're being overly frugal, OP, just pragmatic! Whenever I see financial influencers on Instagram talking about: "I fought my way out of £30k of credit card debt! Learn how you can too!" The answer always seems to be practical steps that are normal for most people. Not making a casserole from leftover scraps to make ends meet, but just stuff like doing a weekly family shop at Aldi instead of Waitrose! 😂

It sounds like you're doing really well, OP! Good luck with the renovations and try to keep your chin up 🩷

I own a property with mortgage, am a single parent and earn approximately £70k. 2 teen dds.

I budget & I know exactly who I am spending on. I grew up on benefits so I know what it is like to be poor.

I would say I am intentionally frugal. We go on lovely holidays/travel adventures but we can do this because I watch our grocery budget, don’t spend excessively on new clothes. I have a yoga membership £80pcm, but I buy books etc 2nd hand. In fact if I can buy something 2nd hand I will. Then I will spend £120 on a yoga mat that I use & appreciate every day. My car is 13 years old. We eat out rarely, and get takeaways never.

I would say I am intentionally frugal to support our lifestyle.

some would think I earn a lot, but if I was prioritising a newer car, weekend spa breaks & lots of new clothes/trainers for teens etc, not grocery shopping mindfully etc then I would quickly be overspending & living beyond my means incurring credit card debt etc. the only debt I carry is my mortgage.

personally I think living within my means is a no brainer. International spending- call it intentional frugality- is a sensible considered & fab way to live. Nothing embarrassing about it.

My "extravagance" was a sock subscription! £16 a month - for six months.

Although maybe I should have said a haircut as I paid £70 this week.

You'd appreciate what they're going through and that would really make a difference to them.

I’m very lucky to be in a six figure earning marriage, OP, as are most of my friends( all in our late 50s/early 60s) and I know no one who splurges as discussed in the thread you refer to. None of my friends get expensive haircuts or nail treatments. No one has a personal trainer. Meals out are occasional treats, not regular events. I know no one who travels business class.

I do love Hobbs clothes - almost all are from ebay.

You are not in a minority, OP. Nothing to worry about.

You live within your means. That is sensible and nothing to be embarrassed about.

There are people who talk about being frugal but actually they sponge off others and save money by getting other people to subsidise them. They are the 'frugal' ones who should be embarrassed, not people like you who are sensible about money.

There was quite a lot of posters showing off on that thread. It isn’t you who should feel embarrassed!

I really shouldn't compare myself to that thread and I won't from now on, I know this site attracts a lot of high earners.

Frugal is not being tight, please OP do not confuse the two.

I wish you luck in your search for a new job.

My extravagances were shopping at Waitrose and getting my nails done. I'm not remotely embarrassed. A personal trainer would be no use to me; I have MS. I do have regular physio, but the NHS pays for that. My DDIL cuts my hair because I can't stand the backwash in a salon.

it attracts a lot of Billy Bullshitters as well. Don't let anything said on here get to you!

1. There's nothing wrong with being frugal. Frankly it's better for the environment.
2. Your life doesn't sound frugal or tight, just normal.
3. I earn less and spend less than you. Many people do.
4. I've been poor all my life (childhood spent well below the poverty line) and we seriously need to get rid of the idea that it's somehow shameful to not have much money. Not having money or being extravagant is not a moral failing and it's sick that our society says it is.

Absolutely this!

I live pretty much like you do but I don’t compare! I don’t even really want anything anyway. I have my health (pretty much), food, clothes and a roof over my head so I’m not missing out on anything.

Op thays not frugality, it’s your living hand to mouth, pay cheque to pay cheque.

sorry but this is not frugal living