Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

Do not sell your home as you need the security for your dc. I understand his pov but you also need to think of yourself.

I think both of you have a point.

He is not unreasonable for not wanting to financially support your two kids.

Equally it’s not nice for you if his income gives him a lifestyle that exceeds yours.

You will lose UC but gain from sharing mortgage and costs with him.

Why don’t you also put your house on rent and rent a different property with him for a year?

That way, if it doesn’t work out, you both have homes you can go back to?

Should have added, if we move in together I will lose my child benefit and uc, and even half the new mortgage would probably be more than my total current one, so I could potentially be significantly worse off financially (at least in terms of monthly outgoings) than I am now if split 50/50. But if I sold my house, I would still ensure I have at least the amount of the deposit to keep in savings/in my name, so I would have financial security if we split up after moving in together, so I'd be no worse off than I was when I met him.

It’s not fair for you to lose your child benefit so that definitely needs to be taken into account.

You will lose UC but will be sharing bills with him.

Im really on the fence here

I'd wait - if moving in together is going to make your family worse off/leave you struggling whilst he is better off despite already earning 3x you then that isn't ok. Its also hard to have a relationship where one party has no disposable income and the other has more than they could need.

Why do you have to sell your home and he keeps his?

It’s good that you’re discussing this before you make a big move. But I think I’d keep separate homes until your dc are older

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. Presumably because of your children, you’ll be looking at 4 bedroom houses, bigger than what he might otherwise buy? I can see why he wouldn’t think it’s fair that he pay more than 50% of the mortgage.

But if the whole thing is going to leave you financially worse off, I wouldn’t do it. Not because I’d expect him to pay more and be cross that he won’t, but just because I wouldn’t make a financial decision like that.

This relationship has huge potential for ending. Well, all relationships do, but you have the disparity with you having children and him none. I wouldn’t expect him to finance your children. He may grow resentful if he’s doing that while their father pays nothing.
You should both be better off if you’re combining your lives. Why would a mortgage on a joint place be more than your mortgage now?
I think 50:50 sounds reasonable. You need more space and are bringing two children in who will cost more in food, bills and bedrooms needed. But you can’t afford to lose your security so agree with PP. Rent out your place (not easy these days) so you have a return route.
How much equity are you both proposing to put into prospective new place and how big a mortgage will you need? DON’T have a baby with him unless this is sorted and you are married and properly combining finances.

The fact is that at the moment you can’t afford to move in together. Your children might have a bigger house in a nicer area but what will you have to cut back on? Holidays, days out?

Also, your relationship will probably go downhill if you can’t afford to do things (like go out for meals) that your partner can easily afford.

I would shelve moving in for now and see where things are in a year or two.

He isn't that unreasonable for not wanting to pay for your children, but this sounds like a disaster. Why do you sell your house and he keeps his and gets to rent it on top of everything else?

If he is from a well off family he may not appreciate what you're putting on the line here. Protect yourself, your assets, and your children s financial security first.

The bit I don't understand is why half of the new mortgage would be more than your total current one? In an ideal situation, you would both benefit from moving in together even if he insists on splitting things 50/50, because at the moment you're paying for 100% of everything, so the likely high mortgage is the stumbling block here. Why does the new house have to be a bigger house in a nicer area - is that his choice? Could that be reconsidered?

I would also be unimpressed that if he covered the bills for a few months while you sold your house he would expect you to pay him back. That seems really mean (meaner than the 50/50 thing) because it wouldn't be your fault. Is he willing to negotiate on that if you agree to 50/50?

I agree with a pp that if you're significantly worse off under the new arrangement, I wouldn't do it. Not in a throwing your toys out of the pram kind of way, but simply because I wouldn't make that kind of financial decision. Something would have to change to convince me to do it.

Tbh no he isn’t being unreasonable, you are not married and you come with more expenses that you alone are responsible for (children). It sounds like you cannot afford to move in with him if he is unwilling to subsidise the cost of you and your kids. What if you owned the house in uneven shares and he pays a proportionally higher monthly repayments but he will own more of the house, maybe 70/30?

How much equity do you have in your house and would you be expected to put it all into the new house?
At 50/50 without universal credit you will be worse off financially than you are now as I'm sure he is not expecting to split the childcare bill for children that aren't his.
What about the bills for holidays, days out etc. are they 50/50 as well.
I think you need to write down all your expenditure now and check that he will be going 50/50 on all of it...
Unfortunately you cannot expect him to pay towards your children as they have a father who has them 50% of the time.
I would give this more thought.

I wouldn't do it personally because you are going to be financially worse off,like a couple of pp have already said that yes he has no obligation to financially support your children but in this situation I probably would beacuse when you get with someone who has children they come as one and it's going to leave you a lot worse off financially,but then again everyone's morals are different.

I would say splitting bills 50/50 is generous from his point of view considering you have children that are an additional expense and not his responsibility.

However, I can also see how things will be more difficult for you financially, and you need to look after your own and your children's interests.

Why would you not get child benefit? They take your partner's income into consideration? That seems wrong when the children aren't anything to do with him and not his financial responsibility

I was a single parent and took the decision to never marry and I never want to live with a partner. I am in a long term relationship but we have our own space and pay our own way. It's much easier, but if people feel they need to live together fair enough, but I think it does make things a lot more complicated when children are involved.

Looking to the future, you'll be disadvantaging your children if they want to go to university as his income will decide their finances then, even though they won't see the benefit of that income

I would never ever ever put myself in this situation ever again. You’re making a big mistake and making yourself vulnerable.

Have him move into yours if you want to live together.

No decent man would want to put you in this position.

Nope I wouldn’t do this

He is well off and it seems like he would also like to get another half a house on the back of your and your children’s sacrifice

Your financial responsibilities are to your children only
They are only going to get more expensive

When I am I first moved in together he earned double what I did - so he paid rent and I paid bills about a 2/3 1/3 split
He also paid the bulk of going out costs
Because he loved me, us, money was to enable us to live not some excel worked out asset split grabby exercise

Stay as you are for now @Rainbowcat88

If your boyfriend loves you and the kids he needs to show it and that does mean, in my eyes, financially as well.

He isn’t asking you to get married is he? He is asking you to potentially have less money to live in a bigger house he gets the benefit from. And say you did split up? Right now it’s easy, but if your only asset is tied up with him it could be a painful process, plus house prices are flat at the moment, could go down, interest rates won’t fall. With inflation house prices are effectively dropping.

Right now you and your children have stable, financial, independent security. You need to keep this.

If he wants a bigger house he has plenty of cash and a flat to get one.

Yes. The government sees a partner who has nothing to do biologically with the children as being part of the provider for the children and thus benefits (including child benefit if the household income is above a certain threshold) are stopped.

Presumably because he can afford his share of the new house deposit without selling anything whereas OP can’t.

ah, yes, of course, thanks.

I just think any relationship with such a huge difference in income saying “oh it has to be 50/50” is mean and no fun

Your proportion of household costs is 75%, but you want to cover less than 50% of that? When you consider that you are probably going to buy a bigger home than he would need because of the children, I can see why he might baulk at your suggestion he pay substantially more of household costs. I’d say he is not being unreasonable to decline to support you and your children financially to that extent when he is not married to you. It’s simply not a wise decision for a financially stable person to make. If we flipped genders and a man with children was asking his female partner to do this (put herself in a financially worse off position by taking on the bulk of the financial burden for 2 children who are not hers), she’d be strongly advised not to.

What proportion of the costs you think he should pay?

If you did pay less and then split, would you be expecting 50% of the value of the property too?

On the other hand, I would say that it is also reasonable for you to conclude that you can’t afford to move in with him at the moment. Are there any compromises to be made- e.g. move to a cheaper area than planned? If not, then I think you just have to be upfront that the move is just not a financially wise thing for you to do right now.

I don’t know that that necessarily means you have to end your relationship, but that’s entirely up to you.

I think he needs to go a bit further, I’d say put in in proportion to what you both earn. If he doesn’t want to help more than equal shares and is happy to have loads whilst you struggle it doesn’t sound particularly loving relationship to me. Also make sure you have a written plan for accommodation if you break up. I’d rather he paid for the home and kept all money if you break up and you keep and rent yours out. Lost benefits also need to be part of the conversation, they are there for a reason, that you e salary is not enough.