Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

Keep the relationship but live separately is my advice. None of you really gain anything from living together and you are risking the stability for your children by moving in with him. Your children are with you for only half of the time, make them a priority during that time and when they are with their dad you can shift your focus more towards your boyfriend. Blended/step families are notoriously difficult to make work, living apart and getting only the fun bits of being in a relationship is far better.

Objectively, 4 people's lives are going to be less certain and stable than they currently are, with the addition of financial arrangements that neither of the adults are happy with, and can't agree on, without having to insist.
Don't do it!!

Does your ex earn over the child benefit limit? If not he can transfer to him, completely legal if dc are 50/50 and take over paying for childcare from it. You would loose your uc but unless the new house is more than double the cost, this should be manageable. Him paying 50% of all bills should be beneficial, but only if he’s realistic on your budget now, if for instance he says he’ll pay 50% of the food but wants far more extravagant food that’s an issue

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. A straight 50/50 split only really works when people are in similar financial positions, and you’re not.

I can understand him not wanting to financially support children who aren’t his, but the bigger issue is the risk you’d be taking. I’d be very cautious about giving up your house unless your financial security was clearly protected.

Keep the relationship but dont move in together.

Generally, when 2 adults move in together, they should both be financially better off.

Unless theyre massively upgrading in which case both may be worse off.

If you don't fall into one of these categories, rethink.

This is a tough one. Is he prepared to only live in a property that your 'half' can sensibly afford? If not, then it seems only fair that he pays more.

The paying back bit hints at meanness.

My rule is simple- when moving jn together there should be equal benefits for both parties.

However, in this case he benefits - he gets to invest in a new home while still keeping the old one, splits bills 50/50 which may be slightly less than before and he benefits from a second adult doing much of the work (and sadly, its just a fact that women tend to quickly pick up more of the household tasks, probably even more likely in your situation because you would be doing them for the dc anyway).

You, on the other hand, lose your CB and UC so eill be earning less. Your bills will go up. And while I assume you will benefit from any improvements in the value of the house, it will only be that asset as you cant afford to maintain your original.asset while also investing in this one.

And you will find yourself looking after another person.

I think moving in together sounds like a terrible idea. If you really want to, I would suggest he pays all of the deposit on the house, you split bills 50 50 and you provide him wjth a token rent towards his mortgage while renting out your own place. Ideally so that overall, your costs go down slightly but you dont benefits from the value of the new property but you do retain full ownership of your original property.

But the loss of UC is a tough one so I am not sure that even doing it my way you WOULD be slightly better off.

I do think financial compatibility is as important as emotional, sexual, values compatibility in a relationship. Both attitude to money, and having a broadly equal income and wealth.

He’s not unreasonable to not want to
sub you in my view. YANU to not want to be worse off. So you’re financially incompatible.

There’s also a risk that you and the kids will be trapped there if the relationship goes south. You might not want to uproot them from their nice new house, and you probably couldn’t afford to leave any more than you can afford to stay.

I can see both sides here and I think ultimately you need to look after yourself and your children.

I think you need to try living together before buying a house together. Could you rent somewhere bigger together and rent out your respective homes, or could he move in with you and rent a co-working space nearby?

I think there's potentially a creative solution that lets you begin to build a life together with less risk for both of you if the relationship ends.

Then, when more time has passed and there's more trust on both sides, look at marriage and buying a house together.

Why would splitting bills 50/50 work out cheaper for him?
Hes going from a bachelor lifestyle to having to pay family style bills

Are you gorgeous and he’s punching? otherwise I can’t understand why a financially secure man with good career prospects is tying himself to a lone parent with two young children, and who has very different financial status. It’s not a good power imbalance here.

Here’s contributing more than you are based on that fact that you have kids and he doesn’t.

Sorry, but he’s already taking on more. You are unreasonable.

DO NOT DO THIS!
Absolutely classic tactic from men to move your assets to him,leave you struggling and disadvantage your DC
What happens if you cant manage 50/50 -your savings will dwindle
You will be worse off therefore your DC will be worse off
Prioritise them

We have discussed him moving in to mine for a short period of time, then using his flat as an office to work in on the days I am wfh/with the kids, and he'd work at mine on the days the house was empty. When we buy he would eventually sell his flat, he just wouldn't need to in order to fund the move. Ideally, for me, I would keep my house and he would pay the (decent sized) deposit on a new one, then the mortgage payments would be split equally and hopefully wouldn't be too huge as there would be a big deposit. We'd then have a trust deed written up that stated he'd get his deposit back and anything else would be split equally. This is what I did with my ex as he paid the deposit on the house we owned together.
He is going to have to move to the area I currently live in as I need to stay near the kids school, so he is giving up the area that he grew up in and loves so there is some sacrifice on his part.
He does also currently nearly always pay for meals out etc, as he appreciates I can't afford to go out as often as he can, so I would presume this would continue. We don't tend to go on extravagant holidays and split these 50/50 as they are always within my means, unless it is one he happens to pay for, if it is a trip for my birthday for example.

We have discussed marriage in the longer term but want to live together first to ensure it is right for us both and the kids. Then if we were married he has said he would then pay the full mortgage/fund our lifestyle, but obviously there are no guarantees we would get to this point, and I'm not naive I've been married and divorced before.

Unfortunately renting in the area we need probably isn't a viable option as the houses of the size we need rarely come up and are absolutely extortionate in rent when they do.

We've been discussing living together for over a year now and never seem to get any further forward with it, there feels like there are too many things to consider and it does make me ask if it is worth it, hence posting on here for advice. But equally we don't want to rush things and need to do it right if/when we do, as I want to minimise the risk of further upheaval for the kids.

Does bills include kids extra-curricular activities, clothes, parties, holiday etc - is he splitting all of that with you?

I thought that the suggestion of transferring CB to ex and he pays childcare was a good suggestion (if moving in with this guy).

I see the votes are split. For me, being worse off, as the mother of two young children with the financial circumstances you describe, and having nowhere to go if you separate, are both red flags.

Is he going to go to his flat if you separate.

My gut tells me that his plan for your financial arrangements is unreasonable and unfair on you. Doesnt bode well for the future. You are independent and financially stable now - i wouldnt give that up for a precarious situation.

Maybe because he met me, fell in love with me, dated me for nearly a year before meeting the kids, then met them and fell in love with them and them him, and because I make him happy and provide for him in other ways?

Ah, this is really tough. I thought when I clicked on it would be you asking him to pay 50/50 rather than you pay proportionately more, and I was going to say you were being unreasonable.

I get where you are coming from and you definitely shouldn’t move in together if you are going to be worse off but you can’t expect him to pay for your kids, maybe a bit towards household expenses but not to the extent you’d need.

It’s tough but I don’t think you are compatible from a financial and lifestyle perspective at this stage of life. I’d stay living apart and wouldn’t break up, but fully understand if that not for you.

I currently split the costs relating to the kids clubs, uniforms, parties etc with my ex so would continue to do this. The only cost we don't split is after school club because the CB pays for this.

My current partner would eventually sell his flat, although it is mortgage free he does pay a decent sized monthly charge on it for communal areas etc, so it wouldn't make sense to keep it. But he doesn't need to sell in order to move as he has the savings for a deposit, whereas I have no savings as I put everything I had into buying my currenct home.

The trust deed should state what % deposit he paid and he should get the same % back should you split up. So say the house cost £500k and he paid £50k - 10% deposit, you split up 5 years later and sell the house for £600k and the mortgage outstanding is £400k, leaving equity of £200k, he should receive £60k back plus half of the remaining equity - £70k - for both of you.

If he pays for meals out for you two… and you expect this to continue - would you then expect him to pay for your kids meals out too - If you’re all out together ?

You are sounding quite grabby tbh .
And I think he’s having reservations and that’s why you never get beyond the discussion phase .

Op you need to change your own expectations here.
Id enjoy the relationship for what it is ,forget moving in and just keep as you whilst continuing to build op your own finances.

I would give it another year and really take time to think. It's almost as if he is being told you are a gold digger and has come up with this plan to prove you are not. Slow down.

@Bonkers1966 it's not a stretch to think his own family maybe be saying this esp as op has two DC.

Ah, good point, I didn’t take that bit in.

i still think the same though. She can’t afford to live with new man. And he needs to make be more flexible if he wants to be with her.

There you have it. It's a no go for you.