Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

I know it happens all the time. He's a childless man with expensive taste, living with children who aren't even his is not going to be easy or natural for him. It's all nice in theory because apparently he loves her children and they love him (they don't), but the reality of going from single wealthy guy with lots of freedom to the life he's stepping into is something that will hit him at some point.

I would lose child benefit if I live with him as the household income would be above the threshold. However I could transfer it the kids dad as we have 50/50 custody.

He’s still offering to pay 50% of your kids’ living costs, utilities, food, etc though.

I think his offer is generous. Yes, it’s more of a risk for you, but not one that’d leave you penniless or in a worse position. You just happen to have less money than he does.

He doesn't particularly have expensive tastes, I haven't said this in any of my posts. We like going out for food together but it's rarely anywhere extravagant, usually a local pub. We rarely go on holiday and if we do it is not extravagant at all, usually just a lodge in the UK for 4 nights, as we both prefer to be at home. He has a cleaner, as do I, because we both work full time and have very busy lives outside of work.
I appreciate his life will change if we live together and it won't always be easy which is why I am weighing up all the options now. My kids and our security are my number one priority, but after being in an unhappy marriage previously i do also really value my own happiness and believe it is important for my kids to see me doing this so they know thy don't have to put up with anything that makes them unhappy.
He will still have plenty freedom, as will I, as the kids are only with me half the time and he will always be free to go out when he wants to when I have the kids, unless we already had plans.

This is the problem with blended families. Many people say that a partner should not be responsible for someone else’s dc. That may be logical, but has disaster written all over it particularly where there is a significant difference in income. Money is going to be the big elephant in the room on a daily basis - when you buy food, at Christmas, when you try to plan holidays.

i actually think that for those reasons people should not combine their lives in this way unless and until they are prepared to take on some of the financial commitments of the person on the lower income. It can’t work otherwise.

Why are you so keen to uproot your young kids life’s to move in with a man who isn’t related to them and give up your own security to do so?

Stay living apart until your kids are older - there’s no benefit here whatsoever for you or them

I just wouldn’t move in with him, at least til the kids are grown.

I can see his point, but a relationship that unequal just has disaster written all over it, if taking beyond the living separately and enjoying nice dates stage.

You have far more in the way of responsibilities and he has far greater means. Unless he feels that his love for you means he wants to even this out, the relationship is not going to work and you’ll be horribly resentful.

Also, it’s rarely the best thing for the kids to move in with an unrelated male, especially being uprooted from their home. Especially a man who wants to put this on such a business like “my responsibility, your responsibility” footing.

Yeah I'd re think moving in together. Fundamentally I don't think someone should move in with someone with young kids, without being willing to become like their family. I'm not saying he should pay for all their clubs, childcare etc but someone that would begrudge paying towards a child's share of rent, heating etc when they more than have the means to do so, seems like they'd be forever 'mums boyfriend' rather than 'my step dad' to them. They're not even there half the time. I think bills should still be split in proportion to your earnings and then costs that are clearly separate relating to the children you pay for on top. If he doesn't want any of his cash going towards them then he should live separately. I find the 'he shouldn't subsidise another man's children' attitude weird given they aren't another random man's kids - they'd be his step kids if it was a relationship leading to marriage. If it wasn't for the kids do you think he would split bills in proportion to earnings? Also as others may have said, uni loans are often in proportion to household income. So if you're going to be put in a position where you can't save but your kids can't get help because of his earnings then that's another factor to consider.

Men don’t ’fall in love’ with other men’s children. They really don’t. At the moment, I’d assume that you are clearly a catch for him, but I wouldn’t want to stake my future on it, particularly as you don’t plan on having children together. His family are never going to warm to you.

That's really unfair. My "step"dad met me when I was four, that was over three decades ago. Hes my dad.

Tbf my wording was probably wrong in my previous post, love is not what him and my kids feel for each other, but they do really enjoy being together and like having him around, and he likes being around them and right now that is enough for me.

His parents are actually very fond of me, and everytime I see his mum she makes a point of telling him he should sell his flat and buy something bigger/a family home. I may be being naive but I genuinely don't feel like they have any issues him being with someone who already has kids, they fully support our relationship, and they have no desire for their own grandchildren nor are they likely to ever have any. I don't require them to have a relationship with my kids either.

Whatever you do OP don’t sell your house. Rent it out, air b&b it, wherever it takes but don’t sell it.

He already has more power and control being the one who earns more and owns a property out right. Do not give up even more of your independence by selling your property.

I agree. Dont do it OP.
Without UC and paying 50/50 on a bigger house ,utilities etc, there may be a lot less disposable income for you and DC.
Keep your house so that you can always return if necessary.

You need to.also discuss what would happen if you had a child together abd went on mat leave

He's unwilling to subsidize your family and you would end up worse off financially. You would be selling your biggest financial asset.

You are 3 people to his one and he wants you to pay 50/50 and you can't afford it without stripping your expenses to the bone. This is going to be financially worse for your kids. He doesn't have to assume your kids expenses because he earns more and he's not willing to. He expects you to provide for your children and pay your and their way if you move in together. That's a reasonable expectation but it means you're not in a position to move in with him.

I see both POV, but it's not going to work for you. You need financial assistance and he's not willing to give it.

I wouldn’t do it, it may not feel like it but you are in a great position as a single parent.

Being from a well off family and having no children - he isn’t going to understand benefits, UC and kids at all.

Neither of you are being unfair towards the other but something would have to give and unfortunately it would be your financial position.

Neither of you are unreasonable here. You've VERY different personal/financial circumstances, and that IS always going to be hard to negotiate and navigate. The brilliant thing is that you've started to talk about it before getting too deep making assumptions etc which is exactly the right thing to do at this early stage. You need a lot more in depth conversations about your relative positions, explain to him how moving in together affects you re UC, child benefit, selling your home etc. If he's from a monied background he won't realise how bad things are when you struggle for money. You need to keep talking it through and hope that he starts to see your point of view. It's too early, after just one conversation, to decide not to live together and maybe even break up. Keep talking, keep talking, and see whether his attitude/opinions/views change. As it stands it does seem like he just wants a "together but separate lives" relationship basically two people sharing 50_50 rather than a proper long term relationship where an unequal split is almost inevitable due to different circumstances which is what happens in most long term relationships.

Utter crap. Maybe for "some" men, they never get attached to step kids etc., but lots do see their "step" children as their own, and their parents come to think of their step-grandkids as their own too! It obviously takes time, and doesn't happen overnight, but lots of "blended" families are just like real blood families, including genuine love, after lots of years together and shared memories/experiences etc.

"The brilliant thing is that you've started to talk about it before getting too deep making assumptions etc which is exactly the right thing to do at this early stage."

I'm not sure what you're reading @Badbadbunny , but OP said in the opening post that boyfriend said this is how it would work financially and that it's not negotiable!

You and your partner seem to have thought of all the financial pros and cons but not necessarily balanced them. Would talking the issues through with an impartial financial/legal expert help? A deed of trust is now commonplace and it should be possible to come to a financial arrangement which you can both live with. If the finances are a deal breaker, then I'm afraid it sounds like the relationship isn't that secure.

What about when he wants to spend Christmas with his side of the family? You spend it apart? What about if you married?

How can his parents have nothing to do with your kids if you are in an ongoing relationship with heir son?!

He's not being forced to though. I think if you have no kids and you decide to enter into a relationship with kids then you either realise that you will indeed end up contributing to them in terms of time and money and energy or you decide to keep your lives separate. I don't think there is much to be had in terms of a compromise. What does he get in return? To live as part of a family unit (which I suspect he wants as he wants to buy a house with OP).

He isn't being unreasonable to say what he thinks is fair. But it also isn't unreasonable for the op to point out that by this arrangement she will end up struggling and he will end up better off.

It’s much easier if the other parent isn’t in the picture, like I assume your biological dad isn’t.

Hard facts:

Can you afford the 50/50 of a larger house?
Can you afford to buy a bigger house solo?

If you had not met him what would you do about your housing situation and lack of bedrooms?

I don't think you should consider an unrelated man the source of money for funding your children's housing needs. If married and he was "all in" yes but to make a major financial purchase, no

Let him take the financial risk, he has more than enough resources to bounce back from any setback, whereas you are very vulnerable financially. Being a landlord for a couple of years whilst you decide if it's works out (and get married) is a small price to pay.

But that’s life? She has two kids and he earns triple her salary.

He’s said he’ll have one money pot if and when they marry. That’s what’s important and they should both be working towards.