Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

I wouldn't move in with him and I would probably end the relationship. He has a much higher income than you and more assets, but the implication of his plan is that you will be MUCH worse off financially and he doesn't care at all. As far as 'I will cover the first 6 month's expenses and when you sell your house you can pay me back' - he can get to fuck. This man loves money. Stay in your house with your kids and tell him no to buying together. If the relationship falls apart, so be it.

I think its unreasonable that he will keep his house (safety net) while renting it out, but youd have to sell your house (safety net) I think this is too risky and personally I wouldn't do it. Couldn't you also rent out your home while you jointly buy another place ? Also as he is the higher earner I wouldn't accept everything to be 50/50. What also worries me is that he said it's non negotiable. If it were me, I would delay moving in together to think about it more before you make the step. You need to think about your financial safety for the future, especially as you have children and he does not.

Possibly a bit left field, but how about you renting your house out and him taking on the new house in it's entirety, deposit, mortgage payments and upkeep? Sounds like he can afford to. Yes, you aren't gaining a financial interest in the new house, but you still have your own property, your monthly outgoings are less because you're only paying the mortgage you currently do, not a bigger one, and you have somewhere to go back to in the event of a split.
You do have all the associated risks/obligations of being a landlord to consider but it might at least be worth investigating?

I also want to add if he's choosing a relationship with someone who has children and youl be living together, hel in effect be stepdad to the children. Yet sounds like he doesn't want to financially support the children, if he's thinking this way, he shouldnt have a relationship with someone who has children. You all come together as a package.

I think this is a good suggestion, but OP would still be much worse off as losing all benefits. I think his statement that all of this is "non negotiable" is a deal-breaker.

Stay in your own house, DO NOT sell up. Concentrate on your kids when you've got them and with him, at each others houses, when you don't.

I don't think there is anything in it for you or your children to move in with him. You will be worse off financially as you will lose your child benefit, your income support and tax credits. You won't have your own property anymore so that's your kids security. You will be at the mercy of his goodwill and he's made it clear that he's going to be tight about money.
I think you should keep things as they are and live seperate.
Love is great etc, but there's more to consider than that.

OP, you have children and your responsibility is to them first, and not to your desire for a second relationship.

You are managing on your own and are financially independent.

He is obviously focused on protecting himself financially and that means you loosing out.

Too many women take the leap and lose the security they once had and bitterly regret it.

He wants a relationship with you but it will be you who takes all the risk.

His finances mean he will be fine.
Living with someone else's children full time is very different to a few days regularly and it can very quickly be a deal breaker.

You need to realise that nothing should come ahead of your childrens home and security.

You wanting a new relationship is not the most important thing.

Have you thought about more children and how his family will treat your existing children?

So often they are no more than tolerated by your new in laws and largely excluded when it comes to blood only grandchildren gatherings.

Put your children first.

Paying 50% of the mortgage and bills would be financially contributing to the children though, given they need a substantially bigger house due to the two children and the increase of food and bills.
He would be 1 out of 4 people in the home but paying for 50%.

He sounds like an absolute arse.

He earns £100k plus, has huge savings, is mortgage free and expects his partner - earning £35k - to split the bills.

The only reason he should move in with you is if he wants the 4 of you to become a family, help you raise your kids ane provide for them.

Are you thinking of having a child with him, OP?

No.
No
No
Do not sell up.
He can move in with you for a12 month trial. He can rent a room out in hs flat to cover costs .
Then decide.

We don't want to have any children together so this is not something to consider. His parents aren't involved with my kids and don't ever really expect them to be.

I see both sides here, and really it probably isn't the best time to move in together. My dp moved in when my dc were young but this did not affect me financially and he moved into my home which I continued to pay mortgage for, so risks to me were minimal, you are taking a gamble here, I would give it more time.

Op, could you realistically pay 50% for a bigger house, plus children costs, on your salary of just over £2k a month? Have you had a conversation about likely mortgage costs, council tax, utilities on a bigger house?

Buying and selling costs will eat into your equity so factor that in. If it didn't work out you would need to consider these costs.

He is in an excellent financial position and I guess must be very shrewd. I would question his commitment to contributions once married because his current stance doesn't suggest he is that flexible. What if you knew he would always keep finances separate, would you move in together?

His lack of empathy for your financial position, given he proclaims to love you, suggests finances will always be No1. Good for him but you are responsible for 3 people with a limited income so not in an equal position, which gives him more control in the relationship.

In our family it’s a percentage of the wage goes into the joint pot. Then we both had our own money. But everything house related, bill and child related comes out of that pot.

The exception is my car because DH does not drive and while he argues it’s a shared resource that he takes advantage of, ive always kept it separate. I used to earn the same as DH then less now more.

You need to talk to him more about how finances would work and if you get push back I would query why you want to move forward in this relationship because you will lose your safety net and independence.

Also ask yourself if you became pregnant, would he support you? Would he only look after the child that is his not your other ones? How is that going to make them feel as they grow up. What about inheritance? What about wills? What if something happens to you, will he ship your kids off to a foster home? You have to have answers to all these questions before you make a decision.

I don't think this makes me grabby. He usually pays because he chooses to go out more often and to places than I can afford, but he still wants us to go out together. When he's at mine, usually around 3 nights a week, I rarely go to his, I pay for the food and cook every meal, as I want to do this. He has offered to contribute but I prefer him not to as its my house and he pays when we go out/on the occasions I am at his.

Good idea, however I suspect he might not be keen because the risk is more on him. Op would have a good exit strategy without much expenditure, him less so..He would have a family house, just for him.

Op, can you suggest this approach?

We have discussed this as an option but it's not ideal as it means if we split he would then have a family home in an area he would prefer not to live in. However they do generally sell quickly where I am, with larger houses they do take a bit longer. I also don't have much interest in being a landlord!

Living together would benefit my kids in many ways, currently they share a room and my oldest is desperate for her own, which she would likely get. I know there is so much more to consider but I would never intentionally do anything that could negatively impact them, as I have already done this by leaving their dad and they've already had that to deal with which has been hard for all of us.

Agree
He will have a nice house, 50/50, plenty of fun money
No doubt you doing all the domestic chores whilst you will be scrabbling to meet your basic costs, how long will your lump sum last?

" non negotiable" he sounds like he is laying the foundations for control already.
Take the rose tinted glasses off and protect yourself and your young children

He would do all the cleaning/we would have a cleaner that he would pay for. I would cook the meals but I do that anyway so I would actually have less to do in that respect.

It sounds like your minds made up

personally I think it’s a terrible idea
you are risking everything
he is risking nothing

at the moment your independent and a home owner and a mother of 2 kids

you do this and you could end up with nothing in a few years
seen it happen many many times

even if you sold your house and held on to the equity
how are you going to fund any extras that you might need to do in the house

you could easily find yourself in a few years with no money & no home

It’s not your boyfriend’s job to provide a better home for your kids though is it .
If you need another bedroom so your kids don’t have to share - then that’s on you …

Tbh the more you post about what you want the more it sounds like you just want his money - oh and the cleaner that he will be paying for !

I wouldn’t be surprised at all if his family are advising him against moving in with you either because it doesn’t sound like you are bringing much to the table.

Erm I wouldn't have expected a new partner to pay for my kids and actually him saying 50/50 is actually generous because technically regardless what you lose or win you have more dependents. So it's up to you what you do. You don't lose child benefit which isn't that much anyhow

That would be a non-starter for me, do not give up your relative security. End it.

I am simply looking at the positives and negatives of moving in/not moving in. And one of the positives is having a bigger house with a bedroom each. Why is it OK for him to protect himself financially but I can't even consider how I will benefit from it? Obviously the relationship benefits us both on other ways too: emotionally, physically and practically but this post is about finances.

And he would pay for a cleaner because I would be doing other household roles instead, and he doesn't have the time to do it himself. Otherwise it would fall to me and it wouldn't be an equal split with regards to household duties. A cleaner would also benefit him a lot more than it would me as he has higher expectations in that respect, so we have agreed that if we live together he would pay for one if he expects the house to be at a certain level of cleanliness, as neither of us have the time to get it up to that level ourselves, and I don't have the desire to.