Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

You’re absolutely right, I certainly would not want to provide my potential future wife with a better standard of living than she currently has, I would want her counting the pounds and pence and worrying about losing her UC. Because that’s love isn’t it? That’s certainly what I look for in my relationship-my wife feeling like a second class citizen while I build my investment portfolio.

He hasn't said that though. He said once married he's happy to share everything, but at the moment they are just dating essentially. I wouldn't be happy to provide for a man and his kids if we weren't married either. Especially if that man was already in debt and couldn't afford his current lifestyle but wanted a better one that he was expecting me to pay for. I would assume he's with me because I can get him out of a financial hole.

How is he ‘manipulative’? By not giving OP precisely what she wants, and on entirely her terms? By the same token, she must be manipulative in trying to put her financial responsibilities onto him.

He’s stated, clearly, what he is and isn’t willing to do.

If anything the OP seems to be getting a good deal here. She’s going to have the home she lives in upgraded significantly and her children won’t have to share a room anymore.

Her partner is also offering to pay off her debts and if she was to lose her job etc she’d have the security of him paying the bills for a while to all back on.

I think it’s only fair he’s asking you to pay half of the bills etc considering the 3-to-1 ratio of people in the house.

If she in love with him, or the standard of living he’s offering her? In his shoes, I wouldn’t be keen on throwing my money around either, because when money is involved, you cannot always know whether someone’s motivations are genuine. I certainly wouldn’t be looking to have a relationship with someone that expected me to provide not only for them, but for their children.

That he has money does not make him an available resource, or responsible for her and her children.

Can you explain exactly how this man can consider marrying the OP without assuming responsibility for her and her children? Because that’s kinda the point of marriage-or am I missing something?

Yes, he absolutely has stated it - after 3 years. As an example, I told my wife on our first date I never wanted children. I didn’t wait until 3 years in to tell her my thoughts on such a significant, life-altering thing.

Id just keep your own places to be honest. A lot simpler. He can stay at urs as much as he likes whilst keeping his own place and assets safe, as you are keeping urs safe.
I agree with OP, sell Ur house and buy something for you and Ur kids that you can afford.
Ur scenario sounds very complicated and fraught with potential difficulties.

He has said that once they are married finances will be shared. He’s just not willing to cover more than the whole deposit and his plus one of OPs kids share (which 50% effectively is) of the running costs until they have solidified their relationship and he knows they can live together.

Buying a house with someone you have never lived with properly is insane. It doesn't matter how often he sleeps over, its not the same. In the back of his head he knows its only for a few days and there is always the option to go home if he's had enough.

I read your reasons for needing a bigger place but I still think you should try make it work in your home for a year before committing to buying a place together. You never really know someone until you've lived with them.

I dont think the 50/50 split is reasonable if his income is dramatically bigger than yours. I can see it causing resentment with you over time as you struggle while he's fine.

Honestly, having been through a break up myself and having to rebuild my life at 40 with kids, I wouldn't do anything to risk the security we have now. Even if you have an exit strategy, its just more upheaval for your kids. Don't take them out of their home without being 100% sure.

Because he doesn’t in fact have to. Her children do not become their children upon marriage, financially or otherwise.

Even without children, married couples can keep separate assets.

What’s the problem? Seems a good time to mention it now they’re discussing moving in together, and what the financial arrangement will be.

If it was so very important that any partner assume financial responsibility for her children, OP could of course have made him aware of that three years ago.

You’re going to be worse of financially by moving in with him. I would say that to him and leave the ball in his court.

I can’t help feeling that you’re being a little bit entitled yourself to more of his resources and the reason for that that you’re using is because you have kids. He doesn’t need to step up and be a step parent if he doesn’t want to. It’s your choice to live in either your partner and your responsibility to provide for them, not his. Regardless of whether he has received financial help himself previously.

Unfortunately if they live together, the benefits system does take into account that he will be stepping up to help meet the needs of the children. So he needs to either live alone or recognise that he will have some financial responsibility. Likewise, if the kids go to university, his salary will be taken into account.

He’s offered to pay off your debts to enable you to go 50/50 on the mortgage but you don’t want that, you want him to pay more on an ongoing basis. Makes no sense to me sorry, I can see why he doesn’t want to. I think he’s being sensible.
Your house needs work you can’t afford to do to it, are you sure you aren’t better off selling and buying new even if it means going 50/50.
If you were to split how would it work? They aren’t his children so I presume you’d be the one that had to leave with the children and start over.
It’s not an equal power balance and I think him working from home when the children are on holidays will be a nightmare for all involved. I’d wait until the children are older.

I dont think id go ahead. It
doesnt feel very partnership like. If you choose to share a life and a home with someone with children and play such an important role in those childrens lives you need be a partner. Whilst he isn’t responsible for the children he is the partner of their mother and should be keen to help you manage that burden and lighten your load and brighten your life. In terms of chores and cooking , you having downtime and getting rest and supporting your parenting. And possibly also financially. If he can make your life easier and reduce your struggle, without significant impact to himself then what sort of a man would not. I don’t think this bodes well.

Offering to pay off your debts was probably a way of encouraging you to get more financially savvy and take an active interest.

Affluent families don't pay interest to banks.

They earn it on their capital/investments (often enough to live off).

When I've seriously dated someone from a rich family they've been keen on me being actively money-minded, actively investing, encouraging me to go into business or train and upskill.

They're always looking for investments or new directors from within the family to minimise tax.

If they're generous its often speculating to accumulate.

He was hoping you'd take the offer and start building up your own savings and look to invest.

Even use the windfall/lucky break to retrain and aim for a better paying job. This is how rich people and their partners and families stay rich.

If you're on 35k, you pay for a cleaner, you don't want to be a landlady as its stressful, and you've chosen to carry debts with the interest building up, he may now think you're just not motivated or savvy enough financially.

Its like you insist on staying Cinderella but he doesn't want to be forced to rescue you. He wanted you to be his equal.

If you were too "independent" to let him pay off your debts, but now want some sort of joint finances/him being provider, its really contradictory.

You could even have let him clear them then eventually saved up an equal amount and paid him back, just so you had interest working for you.

If you've chosen to pay £X of interest on debts, but now expect him to contribute to cover that, he may worry you're financially or numerically illiterate/misaligned and he doesn't want responsibility for that in the future.