Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

So it's ok for me to keep my own exit strategy and keep my own house as a "back up plan" but him not have his own exit strategy? We're both realistic in that relationships don't always work out, and know how it will significantly change things if we live together. It is still currently very much "me and him" rather than "us" financially, because we currently live fairly separately and I don't expect him to be a "parent" to my children as they already have two who are fully involved. Now we're talking of that potentially changing we're trying to figure out how it will work in a way that suits us all. I am trying to figure out of his proposal is fair and if it will work for me and my children, as they are my priority. If it's not fair and I decide I'm not happy with it we won't move in together, I'm not an idiot and I'm certainly not a pushover nor do I have low standards with regards to men and relationships.

Plenty of single people live in two or three bedroom houses, especially if they’re high earners like him.

I note in all your posts you haven’t said who’s going to own the house - hasn’t this been discussed?

I mean you can live in a 2 million pound apartment or a 200K 2 up 2 down, why do you think a house is the ultimate goal for everyone? I live in the middle of a European capital city in an apartment, for the money that's worth I could buy a house in the suburbs but I won't because my kids are grown and I prefer to live where there's hustle and bustle. OPs partner wouldn't buy in her area if it wasn't for OP because it's not his prefered area.

I haven't said because it wasn't the point of the post as it was more about monthly outgoings but we'd both own the house on whatever proportion we were paying the mortgage, and the deposit would be protected by a trust deed. He is keen for us to pay 50/50 of the mortgage each month so that the house is then owned 50/50, however due to monthly costs I suggested a 70/30 split but he prefers things to be split equally and I'm not sure it's fair or doable given our monthly salaries etc.

And plenty of people prefer to live in a flat especially if it's an expensive area or they don't want or need the upkeep of a house and they don't want or need the space.

Do not move in with him before marriage.

I will genuinely never understand why people start relationships with people who have children and then expect to carve their finances up in these ridiculous ways as their relationships progress. He knew you had children when you started dating didn’t he? What did he think was going to happen if you became serious?

You and your children are a unit, and I would not under any circumstances be prepared to risk mine and their financial security by attaching myself to a man like this. Think of the future OP: he’s going to count every penny. Are you prepared to have yourself and your children treated as second class citizens your entire lives by this man? What if you have a child with him? Will he lavish money on “his” child and leave yours to just watch? What will that do to your children’s self esteem and their relationships with their sibling(s)? What if you become ill and need to stop work for a while? What if one of your children become ill and need you? This man is asking a single mother to risk everything while he risks nothing. Absolutely not.

I've already said we won't be having any children together. The question I asked is with regards to our current circumstance, obviously if one of us became ill or would change and in fact (not that I need to explain this to anyone) this has already been tested in our relationship at a point when I did need more support physically, emotionally and financially. Eventually if we were to marry things would change, we've already discussed that as I mentioned in a previous reply. I don't see him as "counting every penny" and it's certainly not how our relationship is currently, we are both just trying to navigate a way we can move in together, if this is what we decide to do, that is fair to both of us and to my children, and I'm not sure if his proposal is, hence my original question.

This is a ridiculous suggestion and as someone who has been divorced previously is not advice I will be taking. However I do take on board that potentially selling my own house is not something I would do until marriage, or potentially until my kids are old enough to pass it onto. However I would never even consider marrying someone that I nor my kids have lived with for some time beforehand.

And I’m telling you his proposal isn’t fair. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose - which tends to be what happens in cases such as this. If you want to risk yours and your children’s financial, emotional and mental security for this man then good luck to you.

Have you made any proposals to him such as you want to own the house 50/50 but due to loss of UC etc can he cover council tax or whatever?

So to show he values the relationship, he has to sub her and her kids? What if he values equality in a relationship? What if he values not being seen as a cash cow?

Then he needs to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have any children and earns/has assets similar to his. That is the only way to be 50/50. I certainly would not dream of expecting a single mother with no savings to go 50/50 on a new house with me if I was sitting on a quarter mill and had a wealthy background.

The real question for you, OP, isn’t whether it’s fair (I think it is, and verging on generous considering there’s 3 of you) but whether it’s affordable for you. You can’t afford to move in with him on terms he’s happy with, so that’s that.

How do you think the relationship will progress/improve by living together, that can’t happen living apart?

No, he doesn’t. OP is an adult, and he can trust that she’s capable of making up her own mind.

He’s let her know what he’s willing to compromise, and to offer. If it doesn’t suit OP, then she is free to say no.

Completely agree that financial compatibility and equality are really important in a relationship.

I don’t think all single parents would expect a new partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids. Especially when, in OP’s case, their own father has 50% responsibility for them.

You’re right, she is capable of making up her own mind. And she clearly is troubled by his suggestion, which appears to have come after a three year relationship where he has met and developed a relationship with her children. It seems very manipulative to me.

It’s baffling to me that the focus is all on his finances. The OP owns her own place, and he is asking her to risk that for him. He is asking her to risk her children’s security for him. This goes beyond finances in my opinion-I would never dream of asking a single parent to risk such a thing, and I don’t have £250k in the bank.

@Rainbowcat88

I agree you seem to be putting yourself in a vulnerable situation.

Why haven't you thought about building up any independent savings or investments yourself?

If you're living "close to the edge" now with your costs, would it be better to get more financially savvy before complicating things more? Are you planning to up your income?

I think other posters are picking up on the fact that you seem to be automatically putting him in the "big man with money" role.

Even that you're accepting he's taking the lead on setting out how you're going to blend lives. He isn't some finance guru who loves you, he's someone from a rich family (who wants to get richer).

Do you not have any emotional attachment to your own home? Or at least value the continuity it gives you.

I've hated the look and feel of my pokey flat at times but honestly the fact that I've been here for 15 years has given me great life stability and independence.

If you combine finances the way he suggests you won't have a Plan B in case things don't work out. He can just go back to his flat.

You'll be a LOT more vulnerable than him. The fact that he's suggesting you put yourself in this situation is worrying.

You may not be able to cover costs if things don't work out.

If he's staying with you lots surely the easiest thing to do is he starts contributing costs.

You can start building up savings and investments and he can support you in this.

He hasn't asked me to risk it, I have never said that. What he has asked is that the mortgage payments are split equally. The fact is that I would probably need to sell my house as I have debts that would need to be paid off in order to get a mortgage again. My house also needs a number or massive jobs they I simply cannot afford, so it makes sense to sell it. And as already stated, I have no desire to be a landlord as my life is already stressful enough. He's offered to pay off my debts but they are my debts so I have refused. It would be entirely my choice/my need to sell the house if I choose to move elsewhere.

You sound very level headed and are right to be considering the various options available to you. The 50/50 bill split is potentially generous, but realistically some of the higher running costs will be due to the extra size of the house to accommodate his office so ...... I don't think he should be insisting on 50/50 for the mortgage as this will impact the quality of day to day living for yourself and your children. If you are happy to pay 30% and therefore own 30% I can't see the issue with this.
Regarding the exit strategy, I do think this is more a consideration for you than him, owing to your greater responsibility as a parent.

He’s paying all the deposit, so she doesn’t have to give up her house, and if she chooses to, she can stash away any money she makes from the sale for her and her kids security.

It’s her responsibility to assess whether she can afford this, and if she can’t then she can’t have the bigger house with bedrooms for each of her kids. It’s not his responsibility to provide that, even if he can afford to.

Okay, then go for it because you seem determined to do so. Tie yourself financially to a man who could buy you out in an instant if you ever broke up, leaving you and your children at risk of homelessness.

If you can't afford to keep this house running should you not downsize to somewhere you can afford solo? All in your name. Get a low-maintenance flat.

I'm not sure why you need to have this complicated moving in scenario which leaves you just as vulnerable as you are now.