Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

Op is it a bigger home or is it that the cost of houses has gone up?

I’m with him really. There’s no way I’d make myself financially responsible for another adult and their DC.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

If you go 50/50 then he is subsidizing your kids as you’ll be living in a bigger house than he requires and your kids will get older and eat as much as an adult. He is right not to jump into financing your kids when their dad doesn’t.

Yanbu to want cohabitation and worry that you could be worse off financially. Even if he agreed to live in an area where you could afford 50% of the costs, he will be saving a lot of money and receiving gifts from his family they could cause you resentment. I suspect that he might be anti-marriage to protect his assets too if that’s something that you’d want?

Don't move in

I can see both points of view ..you will be financially disadvantaged due to loosing benefits and having to sell your home, which gives you less security

However, from his point of view, if you don't do 50/50 he is paying more of the costs of living when you are not married and your children are not his financial responsibility

You don't need to move in together.

I’m really on the fence - I think it’s obvious you bring more costs to the relationship, there’s 3 of you and 1 of him! Your children are also likely to up the bills and require more rooms than potentially he would need if buying again on his own, they’re also likely to cost more as they get older. So realistically you and your DC are 75%, him 25% so he’d already be subbing you on 50/50.

However if he’s in a relationship with you, knows you have DC, knows about the earning disparity and still wants you to move in together I find it odd that he hasn’t considered the change in financial circumstances that would happen (e.g you losing child benefit and paying a higher mortgage). It seems like perhaps he doesn’t want to pay for your DC - which is totally within his rights - but he must surely understand that’s a barrier to living together?

I would remember that earning 3x your salary doesn’t automatically mean he takes home 3x your wage though. It sounds like he has a lot of savings, mortgage free flat etc - he’s possibly worried that he’s going to be taken advantage of financially and is being seen as a bit of a golden goose? Especially if he has family money too.

I'm afraid this screams disaster in waiting. You would be making yourself financially vulnerable for a man not ready or willing to marry you. At the moment you and your children have a home you own and are gradually paying off. You can afford your life, your mortgage and you are building security for you and your children. If you move in with this man you are giving up your home and also losing money, such that you will potentially be worse off by £100s a month. You will no longer be in a position to continue to build that security. You will be paying more for a life you can't afford (but he can), and are putting the security of you and your children entirely in his hands, with zero commitment from him. If it's 50:50 on everything, does that include socialising and holidays? How will you afford these? Will he be happy if you can no longer do things together because you are so much worse off? If you split, can he buy you out?

If this is non-negotiable from him, it says he is inflexible, unwilling to discuss, and unable to realise or appreciate the sacrifice you are making. Because it is a sacrifice. You are giving up a lot and it sounds like he doesn't see that. This does not sound like a partnership.

I think you need to tell him that as much as you’d love to, you can’t afford to move in with him currently. And then just see how the relationship goes.

I understand about him not being responsible for OPs children but if he loves her and wants a future with her then he needs to factor in she has two children with no help from family or their father. And if he has no compassion for her situation - or for those children’s quality of life or future, then frankly he’s not the man for OP.

Who would want to live with someone they loved who was being pushed towards poverty whilst they rolled in money?

Neither of you are wrong but I don't see how to make this situation work so you simply can't afford to live together. You don't have to break up with him over it, though.
I would elect to keep my own house at all costs. I know all too well how quicky a relationship can break down and ending up homeless with two kids is no fun at all.

But you could also argue that 50:50 is still him contributing “more” because he’ll be 1 out of the 4 people in the house. He’s not the reason they’ll need more bedrooms, for example.

But, as I said upthread, even though I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, I wouldn’t make myself financially worse off if I was the OP.

I can see his perspective and if this was a male relative of mine this is the position I’d probably be advising, though maybe not to the bills repayment extreme. However OP the risk level sounds far too high for you and your children. You will actually be making yourselves poorer and should the relationship end you’ll potentially be in a less favourable place housing wise as no guarantee you can buy the equivalent plus you’ll have had the hits of moving costs - solicitors, sdlt etc

I think you need to cost everything out and sit down with him and show him how much you have each month, with and without benefits and how far it will stretch. Once he sees in black and white that you will be on your bones whilst he will be quids in with his proposal he may be more open to finding a solution. Is it likely that your earning potential will increase?
I’d be very reluctant to give up my home in this situation.

The children spend 50% of their time with their father so he is very involved, it isn't that there is no support from him.

I definitely see his side. He’ll be one person of a four person household, and by paying 50/50 he’s still over paying for his share technically.

however.

You would be an absolute fool to give up the security you have with your home by selling it and moving in with this man. If the relationship were to fail you’ve be fucked.

His family life, financial help etc are all irrelevant.
I wouldn’t be uprooting your children for a 3 year relationship anyway.
If you did 50/50 sounds fair given you have 2 children that aren’t his. It’s not his role as your boyfriend to provide for your children.

If anything he moves in with you, you split the bills but not the mortgage and that way you have more disposable money to save. Reevaluate after at least a year or two of living together before anyone sells anything.

I don’t think fun really comes into it when he would be financially covering the cost of 2 children that aren’t his and he’s only known a few years.

I understand both sides but I just wouldn't do it anyway. Costs are only going one way and you'd lose some money which he obviously isn't going to replace (e.g. the childcare costs/UC). I think selling your home would be an enormous mistake.

honestly just don’t do it

If you do this and then split up you may never get to buy a house again

I guarantee you that you will be dipping in to your equity ( if you sold your house ) for things in your new house or using it to pay for extra living costs

if you don’t sell it and rent it out
if you split it won’t be easy to get it back under the new renting laws
but as you have a property ( even if rented ) you won’t be able to claim any UC if you need it while waiting to get your house back

also if your kids want to go to uni it will be based on your joint income so they probably won’t get a full loan

This unfortunately sounds like a terrible idea. Your first responsibility is to your kids and you’ll be making their lives harder. I wouldn’t think 50% is right anyway as you have 3 people but perhaps his job required a more expensive area? But I can see how this will just get harder and harder - if you do it, and you’re skimping to make it work and he wants a nicer car or a holiday or a night out and you can’t pay your way then what?

If he wants to go 50/50 that's fine, but work out what makes that comfortable for you. To get the figure, look at your income, reduce it by the reductions you face by living with him (UC etc), then work out what you could comfortably afford. Tell him that's your budget and stick to it.

He needs to see the reality of what it would mean, if he doesn't want to live in a property that is within that affordability - then he hasn't got the first clue, or he doesn't give a shit about your wellbeing.

I think it's very fair. You can invest the equity you will recieve and that can pay for what UC currently pays. Tell your ex he will now need to pay half for the childcare. Would your ex be able to claim CB and pay a bit more?

Your new partner will put the deposit down for you new property. You say you'll gain as it will be a nicer place.

If you separate, you'll have your investment and half the equity after deposit of the new house.

How can this be unfair?

If anything he needs to move into your home for a years trial whilst renting out his place. You can then split the bills 50/50 whilst you still pay the whole mortgage. This way you can see how living together actually works for you all without anyone having to make big sacrifices like selling their home.

That actually sounds like a really good idea

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to pay half !
You are 75% costs as there are 3 of you … he is 25%costs .

He shouldn’t be asked to pay for your kids or to fund you wanting a nicer house !

Tbh a single wealthy man moving in with a less well off woman with two kids is never gonna work long term anyway .
I doubt he will enjoy the day to day grind of living with 2small kids that aren’t his whilst being expected to pay for them too!
I wouldn’t advise my son to go for this set up !

I wouldn’t buy a property with him at this stage.

Either stay as you are for longer, or rent out your place and rent with DP.

Thanks for all your replies. With regards to a few comments saying the kids dad doesn't contribute this is not correct as he has them half the time so is not required to give me any money. He doesn't pay towards childcare because I have this when I need it and also because I claim CB and UC so this pays for it. If I was to move in with my partner I could potentially look to move the CB over to their dad and he can then pay for the childcare, but I need to have a discussion with him. I also need to have a discussion with my partner re what we'd each be putting down if we do buy somewhere and how the equity would be split then make a decision if it is an option or or we have to continue as we are now living separately. As well as longer term costs like university as I am aware this could impact them too. Unfortunately my house is not big enough to live in together and he works from home so he needs an office space as well as the bedrooms for the kids.