Financial arrangements moving in together

[Rainbowcat88]

Looking for advice before I decide where to go next in my relationship. I've been with my partner around 3 years. I have two young kids, he has none. I have my kids half the time, they're with their dad the other half. I currently receive the child benefit and pay for all their child care which is approx £250 a month for after school club, for which I receive universal credit plus a bit extra uc totalling around £300 a month. I work full time and earn around £35k and have no help from family/receive no child maintenance from my ex, currently have a £100k mortgage on my house and have no savings whatsoever. My partner earns at least 3x what i do, comes from a very well off family, has always had help from them (had no student loan, receives birthday and Christmas gifts of a few thousand pounds each year etc), owns his flat outright with no mortgage, and has a large amount of savings, not sure how much but I believe in the region of £250k. We are talking about moving in together and starting, very tentatively, to look for somewhere. For this I would have to sell my house, he wouldn't have to and would rent his flat out. We had a conversation last night which has made me rethink the whole thing and consider ending the relationship and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He said, and said it was a non negotiable for him, that when we move in together he would expect us to split the costs 50/50. And given where we live and how fast paced it is, if we found the right place he would be happy to cover the costs for 6-12 months while I waited for my house to sell, and then once it had I would pay him back for my share. I know I come with two kids, so there are 3 of me and 1 of him, but AIBU to expect more than this, or is splitting everything 50/50 fair? I am keen to move in as I love him as to my kids, and I want the relationship progress, and it would mean a better home and life for me and the kids, but not at the cost of not losing my own financial safety net and feeling like I wasn't an equal partnership with him, and feel like he should take on some (although not all) of the financial responsibilities of being a step parent despite not being married. Looking for opinions before I decide what to do next with regards to the relationship. I'm happy the way things are currently with us living separately, however I am someone that sees little point of a relationship if living together is not the end goal.

That's not been my experience. Some men can't even love their own while there are plenty of others who wholeheartedly love their step kids. Parents comment is also odd and I have plenty of examples in my own family and my ex's family where women with existing children were absolutely accepted and, dare I say, loved.

So far we have always spent Christmas together and on the years I have my kids he spends it with me not his family.

My own mother barely has a relationship with my kids so it's not that unusual to me that his parents don't. We only see them at situations that aren't child friendly, he sees his dad at the football for example, and there are other issues going on which makes a relationship with them and my kids difficult and I'm fine with that as it's me, the kids and him making a family together, or at least trying to, anything or anyone else is a bonus.

This isn’t a man who comes with his own children to blend, and therefore a vested interest in creating a new family unit, it’s a single man with good prospects. And OP said they’re not planning any more children together so again, there’s no interest in securing his own children’s future in this family. I’d put money on it that the OP is very good looking. But he’s not going to make her financially secure because then the power dynamic shifts in her favour.

For everyone saying it does happen etc, it’s not the norm. And selling OP some Cinderella fantasy where this man looks after them and gives them a better life isn’t realistic. It frequently goes wrong and the children here have to be the priority.

He’s really mean
no wonder he’s loaded !

Tbh if he were my friend I would be cautioning against this. I would also caution you against it.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable at all. That he can afford it is irrelevant - he’s quite right not to want to take on any more financial responsibility for your children than he’s already offering. It’s not as if he isn’t proposing a compromise. You’re not being unreasonable to consider your own financial security and whether or not it would be wise to proceed. You are being unreasonable in thinking he’s wrong for not offering you even more.

It’s up to you now to decide whether it’s something you’re willing to proceed with, and if, ultimately, you’re compatible.

I honestly don’t think people should move in together until they’re ready to operate a as a single financial unit.

But I accept not everyone thinks that way, so if he’s insisting on 50:50 I’d say thats fine but be clear what your budget is (ie broadly what your spending now adjusted for the UC/CB you’ll lose). If it’s the higher earner insisting on 50:50 they have to accept they will live to a lower standard than they are capable of, they can’t insist the other person lives outside of their means.

I don't think it sounds workable.

It seems unfair to expect him to part fund your kids home (which he would even on 50/50 as he is one person and you and your kids are three).

But also it definitely doesn't sound fair or sensible to leave you worse off financially and without the safety net of a home you solely own.

Think again.

I think the other thing to consider is that the children may not always split their time 50:50. As they get older they are more likely to choose where to spend their time. How would he feel if the children were living with you full-time?

I don’t think this is something to split up over, because you would have similar issues with any new partner.

He eats with you 3 times a week?
Contributes nothing?
But pays for the odd pub meal?
Bloody hell OP, your bar is so low.
He's mean, with a capital M.

I think you need to have an open and frank conversation about what your income is/will be and what your outgoings are/will be, and he do the same.

I get that you'll be looking for a house with an extra bedroom he can use as an office, which to me is also something to take into consideration with regards costs.

You aren't on the same financial footing, and you aren't both shouldering an equal amount of risk. But it needs laying out plainly.

Put it into a spreadsheet so he can plainly see the numbers, and that you would be worse off financially than you are now. I know they aren't his children, but in my mind when you choose to set up home with someone who has children you're accepting them as part of your life, along with the cost of keeping them alive and cared for.

This!

Are if either of you interested in marriage? How much equity do you have? How much would you both be paying towards the deposit of the new house?

I think the fact he'll pay for a cleaner as a red flag too. He clearly sees that as job done for his contribution to running household. (He even plans on outsourcing it to another woman given OP won't do it). I think that he has higher standards also a worry. Those higher standards won't actually be cleaning but tidying etc. That needs doing daily not once a week, especially if the kids are small.

OP do you not think it's odd that with all this money he's living what sounds like quite a frugal lifestyle? He's mean with money to himself as well as everyone else.

Also to reiterate a previous poster you are able to claim child benefit in this situation as you don't earn over £60k. Your DP will have to do a tax return to pay it back though. If he's not keen on this think about it. The government assumes that a partner moving in with a family assumes the role of stepdad or stepmum. If he doesn't want to be stepdad he has no business sharing a house with you and your children

On the child benefits point, if you do decide to live together, sign that over to your ex, get the kids registered at a GP/dentist near the dad and their school near him so that he is viewed as the primary caregiver. That way only your ex's income will be taken into account if the kids do decide on going to uni and not yours and you partners. At least that way they could get student loans.

This was exactly what I was coming to say, but you said it more eloquently 😂

@Rainbowcat88 your children's future and security are more important than any new partner.

I don't think either of you are wrong. I don't think relationships with a big financial imbalance are unlikely to succeed, unless both partners are genuinely happy with the wealthier one "subsidising" the other. 50/50 will presumably mean he can do completely different things to you with his spare time and money. How does that work?

Also, if your thoughts after the conversation went to we should end it, rather then we can work this out, maybe at some level you know this relationship doesn't have legs.

Or he doesn’t like cleaning, and is happy to pay for someone else to do it. I also outsource cleaning (to another woman!). Big fucking deal.

He handles his money to his liking. As it is his money, he is at liberty to do so. He is already offering a compromise with 50/50. That he isn’t prepared to give OP exactly what she wants does not make him ‘mean’, but rather sensible.

He has every business to decide for himself what he is and isn’t willing to contribute, and what sort of ‘stepparent’ he is prepared to be. If it doesn’t suit OP, then she can decide not to move in with him. He’s not forcing her to.

@Rainbowcat88 you're not seeing the full picture here and I think it sounds more than fair.

• There are three of you and one of him, so 50/50 is a bargain. If you were making it fair it would be 75/25 with you paying the bigger share.
• You would get to live in a bigger house which would have cost you more anyway if you were to do that on your own.
• The CB can be given to your ex.
• The loss of universal credit would be met by sharing mortgage/living costs.
• You get a cleaner so no housework!

Sounds like this guy has his head screwed on financially and has thought this through. Are you 100% sure he doesn't want kids? Ever?

I think I'd still trial full time living together before buying though.

I think the idea of a trial of living together at yours, even with the lack of space, is a good idea. Even a few weeks will open his eyes to the reality of living with someone else’s dc, and you will see the reality of the situation, and how it might play out.

Also, the comment about him requiring a "higher standard of cleanliness" than the OP........?

DH earned much more than me when we met, as I was also claiming benefits as a single mum like the OP, and we have been together for 18 years, we're very happy now and have 2 more dcs. He never expected me to contribute to the household costs when we got married and moved in together, we combined finances immediately and never divided up costs or thought too hard about what my dcs cost or how we'd split things if the relationship ended. There's no reason a relationship between a couple with a large financial disparity shouldn't work out; for most people relationships are about an emotional connection and not a financial and practical transaction.

OP I'd just say listen to your instincts, if you're feeling doubtful then don't proceed, but if you are feeling content don't be too influenced by naysayers.

This was the same as me 30 years ago, my DH have had only one disagreement about money in all those years.

You absolutely need to live together first. He can move into yours, contribute 50:50 whilst renting an office space locally.

It will be eye opening for you both.

But her boyfriend has already said he won’t do that so your situation was different. He’s saying 50/50 is as far as he’ll go. That’s the whole issue here, that OP is risking her kids stability and being worse off financially as well. She’ll struggle to save anything and will be trapped by this arrangement should it not pan out.

No way would I move in with someone with my two kids without marriage.