DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

Ryanair have just stopped all paper boarding passes.

Nothing forces anyone to fly ryanair as they're a shite airline + they allow you to check in online before the flight and then print one off at the airport

am not a fan of parental controls type stuff.

yet here you are OP… controlling and stuff

but to be fair the reason you are into parental controls is because you couldn’t control her smartphone without one yourself

People need to justify their own decisions and actions..

If you are a parent who is always on your phone, and you gave your child a phone early.. a parent who is doing the opposite isn't just making an alternative choice. Instead it feels like that choice is a direct criticisms and attack on your choice.

Hence the reaction by some (a lot on here...) when a parent says they are not giving their child/teen a phone.

For me, you have been put in a lucky position.. a teenager who isn't desperate for a phone! I'm sure at one point she will want and/or need one, and when that happens you and her can deal with it. But I do find it unreasonable for you to be criticized for not giving her something that she A, doesn't want, and B, doesn't need.

It would only be controlling if the daughter was wanting/asking for/needing a phone, and the OP was refusing because of her own views...

We only have the OPs account to go by, and presuming that is true, if her daughter isn't asking or wanting a phone, then the OP isn't controlling for not wanting to give her daughter something she doesn't want or need.

Well, let's see what happens when your child gets their own money.

It's there a chance that your daughter is expressing a view to your sister that she's not telling you because she knows how strongly you feel?

I am in the middle.

She could have a reconditioned one, doesn’t need a new one that your sister bought.

My view is yes sorry, it is good to keep up with technology.

And i think you have been lucky to get along without a smartphone so far.

Our main shopping centre in town recently scrapped pay machines in its car park. You have to scan a QR code to pay. I see a lot of people struggling with it.

I would definitely get her one to get used to before working age. So now is the right time.

OP, have you considered asking your daughter if she wants a smartphone instead of assuming she doesn't? She may not have asked for one because she knows how you feel about them.

Well done OP. Stick to it for as long as you can. I’m seriously considering getting a dumb phone for myself and wish I had never given the kids smart devices.

Go for it! My life is much better now.

My sister had the same rule for my DNiece and thought she wasn’t interested either; turns out DNiece’s friend had given her their old phone and she’d actually had it for two years before being discovered. She had a PAYG sim with data and would also connect to WiFi (DSis and BIL aren’t tech savvy so weren’t checking what devices were connected to their network).

DNiece was quite matter of fact about it, saying if she’d have got one from her parents then there would have been rules, restrictions and monitoring so she decided to bypass all that as they couldn’t check what they didn’t know about; it was quite ingenious really.

And before anyone says it, my DSis also would have sworn her little darling “wasn’t like that” before it was discovered 😂

When I said check under the bed and at the bottom of her school bag I wasn’t trying to be funny.

There are literally no educational apps that are of any real benefit tk education. None.

Ryanair is paperless now.

Theres a bit of me admires your stance re the phone. If more parents did this children (and yes teens are still children) would be safer and happier

Her comments about the new Samsung etc strongly suggest she would like one but your stance on the matter is very strong so she probably knows there’s no point asking. I do think it’s odd to clutter her up with mp3 player, camera and flip phone plus pc, so she effectively still has most of the stuff just spread out over different dated tech instead of consolidated into one modern device. Why not go the whole hog and get her a 1980s Walkman, non-digital camera and landline? Or read enriching tracts at night instead of telly. It’s the same principle. Do as you please ofc but don’t kid yourself she doesn’t want one and wouldn’t be happy with your sister’s gift. If you really think it’ll turn DD into a zombie then you don’t have much faith in her anyway and I don’t get the stance on parental controls - sounds more like you just don’t want to learn.

"She has never really asked for one"
But this suggests she has asked

"I've said she can get a smartphone when she goes to work and buys one from her own money or uses her savings to buy it, but she's never really pressed the matter or asked much."
Again this suggests she has asked......

"She's said stuff like 'most of my friends have one' or 'a new samsung came out' but never really pressed the matter, which she usually does when she wants something."
Again this suggests she does want one a smartphone and at 15 and when 2/3 of your friendship group have one, this isn't unreasonable.

I would worry that your daughter is either hiding stuff from you or that as she becomes an adult she may feel you have not accommodated her needs and she will be posting on the stately homes thread about her relationship with you 😪

Yanbu. She can have a smartphone at 16. Possibly 15 if she's genuinely become the only one in her friendship group not to have one by then. Your sister's urge to such a generous gift is lovely but too soon. They aren't good for the brain of a younger teen and there's too many pitfalls for use under supervision to be realistically sufficiently protective.

You’re the parent and if your DD genuinely doesn’t mind then that’s great.

But…you’re absolutely kidding yourself about the size of this movement you keep referring to. I suspect your DDs friendship group are not reflective of other teenage girl friendship groups, which is fine obviously.

Whilst I don’t doubt you re your co workers, again that is not reflective of 20 somethings generally. You seem like you are clinging to this movement to justify your parenting decisions (just say safeguarding instead!) but she will be very out of step with the general population.

Phones aren’t rocket science tho, she will catch up.

You say that you’re not a fan of parental controls but it sounds like you’re more scared of them as you wouldn’t know how to use them. For example, my dc doesn’t scroll on TikTok because he is not allowed it yet and he can’t download apps without my authorisation.

You mention she can use her savings (which is what my dc did to buy his reconditioned one), but would you actually allow and facilitate this if she indicated that was her choice?

I don’t hold with the “being left behind by technology” argument. Smart devices are so user friendly these days. My dad got an iPad at 80 and until that point, had never even used a typewriter. It took him 15 minutes to master the main functions- calls, texts, web surfing and music and he has been as savvy as a teenager for years.

OP, my kids don’t get smartphones till 14 which I think is a good age. Your daughter will need one eventually. For example, my son’s work shifts all come through on an app. I also have a brother who can’t use smartphones because they set off his paranoia and he hasn’t visited his GP in his small town in years as they only accept online bookings. Well, they do accept elderly people making bookings by walking in but he was sent away and told to book online as he was in his 40s and was unable to advocate for himself.

I fully support delaying smartphones for teens, but don’t be top heavy about it. You seem to have a point of pride in being anti-tech which is fine, but it won’t work for your DD’s generation.

ETA your sister was well out of order in trying to bypass you in this parenting matter.

Good for you OP. Stick to your guns. I think your gifts sound lovely xx

On the issue of your sister, obviously she has behaved very poorly. She shouldn't have bought such an expensive gift that she knows you dont agree with and then yell at you when you told her to return it. She may disagree with your parenting stance but undermining you is not the way to go about it. I think you just need to give the whole situation a chance to cool down and then see where you end up.

On the smartphone, I don't have teens yet so if you are sure that it is what your DD wants, then your gifts sound fine. There is an inbetween now though between brick phones and smartphones. There are several semi smartphones designed for teens that are fully locked down from social media (not just parental controls but baked into how the phone operates), limited app downloads, etc. You could consider this inbetween approach at some point in the future as a way of preparing her. Examples to look at are HMD Fuse, Pinwheel, Bark.

I don’t really know why you have bothered to ask if you’re being unreasonable as you have clearly already decided that you are right. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Did you just want a debate about smartphones?

This is mad, let’s buy an additional camera and MP3 player to carry about, rather than allow one item that encompasses all of these functions.

We have to use a QR code to register our attendance at uni. Smartphones are pretty essential.

Poor girl.
I am all for supervising teens, but you are ridiculously controlling. You’ve bought her a cheap piece of rubbish for listening to music, and even controlled what’s on it?

Not to even mention that kids these days have to be proficient with technology. They just have to be. I’d probably go low contact with you if I were your daughter. You’re just too overbearing.