DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

I carry a flip phone and an mp3 player although a bush one which is far cheaper and less nice than this one. And yep am currently in my living room, just using ethernet fibre broadband rather than phone line xD

She generally writes down directions to a place on her phone, but we have a garmin though I haven't used it in about a month now.

I go to concerts regularly, take taxis, check my bank account online, check the train and bus timetables at stops and stations or before going, and homework is on a website so has been my uni coursework.

It's lovely to hear of a group of youngsters who are making their social circle work regardless of the level of tech owned by its members. Very inclusive, and refreshing to know that some youngsters can think for themselves and not be obsessed with having the latest device thrust at them by peer pressure ultimately arising thanks to big business marketing campaigns.

Well done, OP, your daughter sounds sensible, don't let your sister spoil that.

Thanks so much for the kind words! And yep you just love to see it

But could this be true that if she asked she wouldn't have gotten anywhere so didn't bother? Doesn't mean she doesn't want one

You sound very controlling OP. You seem to be making it all about you and what you want. Just because you don’t want a smartphone, doesn’t mean your daughter doesn’t want one. You don’t even have to pay for it. Have you asked your daughter if she would like one?

No, she doesn't. 🙄 She says her DD hasn't asked her for one, and what on earth is OP's sis getting so involved and hissy over it for anyway?! When it comes to parenting decisions, somebody having tantrums/sulks/giving guilt trips is awful. Which it sounds like what she's doing.
Sounds like she needs to back off.

Im not sure why the OP posted here. Shes unable to hear any reasoning. I think she posted to seek approval and validation for her lifestyle choices which she is cascading on her own child. She says young coworkers have opted out of smart phones but her daughter hasn't even been given the choice to opt in.

The sister is way over the line.
It's a parenting decision amd not her business. It is completely disrespectful to buy the phone. Is she always so rude and aggressive?

I’ll bet her seeming ambivalence is because her pal Has given her an old phone that she keeps hidden from you. In the 90s my pals mum locked their landline and so another friend gave her an old landline phone to plug in and use. Kids are resourceful when they want to chat - that’s nothing new. As much as I hate to say, smartphones are sort of essential for modern socialising.

I have a dumb phone and I have next to zero
communication with people now as they all
use WhatsApp and Snapchat in group
chats not text messaging.

I actually think it’s unfair not to allow
your daughter to fit in with her friends. It’s more responsible to teach her how to use these things safely and responsibly and sets her up well for the future.

A negative stereotype "country bumpkin". Delaying giving a teen a phone has big implications on studying, attitudes, activities, general learning. A computor or tablet is an alternative. She will catch up. Glad i did that for 2nd child by giving one at 15 when he needed it.....first child had it from 1st year of secondary school and it has stolen his time for learning/ studying, activities. And your sis in law buying a top of the range phone is undermining and disrespectful.

You're a wise woman, and I congratulate you.

3 out of 9 kids in the friend group have a dumbphone.

My kids had smartphones at 12 ish. Never the latest model. I’ve never even had the latest model. They are all fully functioning adults, doing challenging degrees at uni and thriving.

If I had my time again, would I have given them smartphones that young? Nope.

Stick to your guns, I say.

She already has a smartphone. Check under the bed or at the bottom of her school bag.

Op’s dd will be 15. Thar sounds like a sensible age to introduce one if you can do without before. My dd’s former school got them to use their phones in class for study in year 7. Everyone had one.

I’m also not sure why post this. It’s you that has to do the maths with this. You’re the one that has to ensure she has the same advantages as the other students whilst having an earlier model of tech. It’s also you that needs to be there if she gets mugged for one of the most stolen devices. Pros and cons. As for your sister this is quite a big move and a huge tantrum. Surely she must have form for needing to be the star on others big days? This can’t be a shock, you must of noticed some behaviour in this direction before. I do feel for you though she sounds like a bully.

Your sister says unhinged. The correct thing would be to check with you and then accept it's your call even if she disagrees. You are the parent, trust your gut.

There is a reason that countries that typically don't impose limits on individual freedoms are considering social media bans. The research regarding social media and poor mental health and cognitive ability is overwhelming. Although you can block social media, with a Smartphone the temptation to use it is always there. Other smartphone apps can cause addiction too and by not having one you are preventing a battle with your own kid as well as a battle they would always be having with themselves about the way they use it.

OP, I really admire you for your decision (as well as role modelling to your daughter about not using it). It's great she isn't asking for one so why on earth would you give it to her? Your sister on the other hand is way out of line. Your gifts are lovely and I would be telling your sister that she has no right to speak to you in that way.

The correct thing would be to check with you and then accept it's your call even if she disagrees

Exactly

Your child, your choice. However, all of my children had smart phones by that age & your daughter will find carrying around a flip phone, camera & a music device a PITA.

Your sister is an arse. As are 44% of people who have voted. Your presents sound amazing.

The 44% of us are arses just because we don't agree with you? Do you think you might be being a tad rigid in your thinking?

It's 3 am and I'm peri-menopausal. Rigid doesn't even begin to describe me ... 😁

That made me laugh! Understandable. Thanks for replying.

OP, although I think a 15 year old should have a smartphone (if they want one), out of respect your sister should have discussed it with you first. I can understand how you would be upset about this.