DSis says I'm awful for not letting her give DD14 a smartphone and that my gift for her is ridiculous, outdated and cruel.

[LuckyJadeMember]

DD14 is not allowed to have a smartphone. She uses a flip phone and has a thinkpad as well and is perfectly fine with it. Her birthday is next Sunday.

She likes to listen to music and the radio, but her phone doesn't have a music player so I bought a fiio music player on amazon, this one. It's 50 quid, and a nice blue colour. I also got her a case and screen protector for it.

I know what bands she listens to, so I went and bought some MP3 albums off bandcamp and amazon music, and put them on the MP3 player, and gave her a £100 bandcamp gift card too so she can buy some more music.

I also got her a nice portable canon as the camera on her phone is a bit naff, this one.

My sister met with me today because she wanted to show me what she got for her. It was an iPhone, the latest model. I said that she's not meant to have one, and that she won't be getting it so it'd be best to return it. It ended up in an argument, and DSis left the house angry. She called me later to yell at me and tell me how cruel I am for not allowing her to have a smartphone, and called me 'awful' and insulted my gifts several times.

AIBU?

Any consumption of alcohol or cigarettes is bad for your health. There is no evidence that balanced and sensible social media usage is dangerous at all, certainly not to the same level as those substances.

In any event, 16 year olds can drink alcohol in restaurants and from aged 5 at home. Countries which introduce alcohol in a controlled way for teens have much lower harm than the UK does.

Yet you don’t back up your opinion with any studies and there are studies that show harm

as for children drinking alcohol, that is lowering https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7612362/ and has been for the last couple of decades

and from aged 5 at home

Were you giving your sons a beer after they came home after reception? What if their friends were doing it, would that have swayed you?

My children have been introduced to alcohol from quite a young age if they wanted to be, yes.

DH is Spanish and the culture around alcohol there is totally different. It is very normal for teens to have a glass of wine at family occasions and to visit bars etc.

They don’t have to be… but they can be.

Like I said, I was replying to a poster who said they weren't necessary for ANYONE.

Are you from a strict religious sect? Jesus, that poor girl must get bullied at school.

I feel really bad for your DD. It sounds like she's told her aunt she wants one but doesn't want to upset you. Life should be about making things easier not harder.

I'm also in the camp that all 3 of the girls you mention have got their friends old smartphones!

Which of OP's posts leads you to think her DD wants a phone and has asked her Aunt for one?

Just how strongly the aunt feels about it. Sounds like OP's DD is afraid to ask her mum for one

Social media is toxic. What other reason do you need?

That's honestly a really nice present. Kind of wish I could go back to something similar (mp3 player with my favourite music, and a separate camera, but that's not even that necessary)

I need a smartphone for work, but there's arguably no need for anyone to have one, let alone a 14yo. Keep doing what you're doing 👌

Nope, still a child. Under 18 = child (let alone a 14yo).

Country bumpkin?? Because she doesn't have a smartphone?? What are you actually on about...

Oh, it very much seemed like you were replying to me, what with the replies to me directly and all that.

She did indeed. Really nice presents. Feels like most of these people are doing mental gymnastics to self-justify buying their child a smartphone too early

Were you giving your 5 year olds alcohol regularly? Not a sip or a taste - I mean an alcoholic drink to themselves.

Why are you defending smartphone usage so much? Weird

Personally I think the cult that are trying to blame smartphones for every problem affecting young people is much more weird.

They are presenting a simple solution to a complex set of issues. Just like Farage with Brexit.

What’s really needed is giving teens more independence, reinstating all the youth spaces that have been shut and delivering proper mental health services.

That is much more expensive and complex than just slapping an arbitrary age limit on TikTok and saying job done though.

Maybe there would be less need for mental health services if there was less or later phone use?

Yeah righto! It’s the cause of all MH issues!

I never said that, but I've been teaching teens for 30 years and what we deal with now is totally different than 15 or so years ago. I'm not talking about ND diagnoses, I'm talking about anxiety, social anxiety, lack of attention span, lack of critical thinking, algorithm driven narrowed views of the world, a lack of engagement with anything that isn't instantaneously rewarding. The rewiring of still growing and developing teenage brains and dopamine addiction fed by the constant hits gained from scrolling and switching between tiny short bursts and memes.
Smartphones aren't evil. There are some fantastic brilliant apps and learning tools. But teens generally don't have the maturity to use them.in moderation (just like many adults now). But we have to let adults do what they like, we don't have to let teens.

If she doesn’t want one, don’t give her one. So many dangers out there. I regret giving my teenager one when she was 11, now 15.

So, she's not allowed a smart phone... so you've bought her multiple separate products that facilitate her need for/love of staying connected, listening to music, taking pictures etc, rather than one device that does the lot!? What a faff for your daughter - having all different devices to keep charged etc. Not to mention making her a source of ridicule among her peers. If your Dsis has bought her one, I'd just accept it and let her have it!

You’ve made a lot of assumptions based on what OP has said about what her sister did.