To ask for your ideas to take petty revenges on an uninvited guest?

[guestsareinvited]

Because of boring and longwinded reasons, I can't currently prevent this person from coming to stay with me whenever they like. But I don't have to treat them like a guest, because guests are invited. I have plans in place to renounce this obviously terrible arrangement as soon as possible, but in the meantime I am relieving my frustrations by plotting small, petty revenge's that aren't unreasonable.

(They have a lovey home of their own, and don't really want to stay here. They are choosing to be here specifically because they know I don't want them and to make the point that they still can. It's silly and childish and I didn't choose it. They did, and are also deliberately prolonging the situation. There's nothing to do but laugh about it, and this is intended to be in jest. Although I can't promise I won't put one or two into practice if there are good suggestions.....)

Swap their coffee for decaf/full caf.

I would remove myself entirely and go to a luxury five star hotel at the cost of the person facilitating this arrangement, and make it very clear I was the one actually winning over their pettiness.

Give them the shittest thin pillow possible.

Turn the heating up either uncomfortably hot or down too cold.
Run out of tea and coffee. Hide all the spoons.
Set the Google mini to have an alarm go off every thirty minutes day and night.
Change the WiFi password.

Itching powder in the bed, Switch of hot water

ExH/ExP?

Invite another guest to occupy their space and ensure they arrive today. Make sure the other guest is in on it and steadfast in not leaving.

Who owns or rents the house?

If it's you then they are your guest.

And this thread is ridiculous.

Get a clock that chimes every hour and put it in their room, screw it to the wall.
Put an old lumpy mattress topper on the bed.
organise the hot water to conveniently run out when they get the shower.

Run all the taps while they’re in the shower so it goes cold.

You have ghosts. Start holding regular seances and in between moving things around. How did the TV remote get in the bathroom? Ask them to help you keep a log of paranormal activity. Invite paranormal investigators in.

Play a recording of someone snoring really loud and play it on high.

Stand over them in bed starting and smiling.

Set the lights on timer so they go on and off in the middle of the night.

Use all the hot water.
Uncomfortable bed - maybe eat a slice of toast quite messily in their bed before they arrive. Lots of crumbs for them to lie on.

Why can't you prevent them from coming to stay?

With a small brush paint some tiny red spots on the sheet or pillow case on their bed, then mention that you are itching and think there might be bed bugs in the house.

Clean the toilet with their toothbrush.
Rub your arse on their pillow.

Invite some garrulous old biddy to stay also . Tell her they are very interested in talking about her dead relatives and detailed facts of old journeys she used to take , particularly the B roads and names of villages .

If they stay in a room with good curtains swap them out for very thin ugly ones.
That would be like a small stab in the heart everytime they go into the room.

Ditto ugly bedccovers.

Remove bedside lamp if there is one.

ask them to bring their own towels/linen?

DO NOT wash laundry or cook for them.

Change the name of your WiFi to FuckOffHomeSally.

I assume it’s her ex and they co-own the property.

Paint oozing sores on your face and cough and shiver. Then tell them you don’t think you’re still contagious.

Make sure there is only off milk in the fridge, and only one sheet left on the loo roll with no spares in reach.
Take the bedroom curtains down ‘for dry cleaning’.
Take the batteries out of the TV remote.
Make sure any pens they have available don’t work.

Ignore them completely

I wouldn’t be there when they arrived. Why do you have to let them stay?

You are so sorry you have COVID. Wait till they are on the way though.

If they still insist on coming they won't be able to be in the same room as you.

My aunt packed her family up one Christmas night and arrived after midnight. TBF, it was stinking hot, they were coming anyway and she just thought “why not do it when it’s coolest”. Fair enough.

They all lay down in the lounge room for us to find in the morning. But forgot about the clock over their head which chimed the Westminster chimes. Every 15 minutes working its way up to the full, hourly carillon.