To ask for your ideas to take petty revenges on an uninvited guest?

[guestsareinvited]

Because of boring and longwinded reasons, I can't currently prevent this person from coming to stay with me whenever they like. But I don't have to treat them like a guest, because guests are invited. I have plans in place to renounce this obviously terrible arrangement as soon as possible, but in the meantime I am relieving my frustrations by plotting small, petty revenge's that aren't unreasonable.

(They have a lovey home of their own, and don't really want to stay here. They are choosing to be here specifically because they know I don't want them and to make the point that they still can. It's silly and childish and I didn't choose it. They did, and are also deliberately prolonging the situation. There's nothing to do but laugh about it, and this is intended to be in jest. Although I can't promise I won't put one or two into practice if there are good suggestions.....)

😱

It is, but I happen to like it. Takes off all the dead cells (and some of the live ones)...

I hear that scabies is making an unpleasant comeback at the moment. It would be dreadful if you suspected that your strange new rash might be that.

Sit down Frasier.

OR MiL and DH invites her?

Assuming you have some basic musical skills, offer free recorder lessons to the neighbourhood children and invite a group of them round just after unwanted guest arrives. Then as a reward, at the end of the session, give them lots of sugary snacks and encourage them to let off steam.

My guess would have been in-laws from hell who in fact own the property and invite themselves randomly

no obligation,but you can't blame people for asking

WHO is the unwanted guest makes a big difference to the replies.
Not the same if it's a cheating ex, MIL from hell or a step-child invited by their actual parent

Made me snort this one! Brilliant 🤣

Keep a "special" pillow for them which has been liberally dosed with fish sauce

Some of these are hilarious 🤣

Id definitely say the tv was broken and poss remove the fuse

Likewise I love the itching powder thing

maybe say you looked after friends cat recently and can’t stop itching mention u think fleas are a possibility

Who is it op. This is important. As your behaviour could impact the relationship and what you may need from that person, is it an ex for example, do they co own the property, do you co parent with them,

@guestsareinvited

I'm assuming you want somewhat 'non-obvious' things:

Disconnect the washing machine and say it's broken so they can't do laundry and have to go to a laundrette, just be sure you get all your laundry done before they arrive (hopefully you'll have enough clean stuff to last).

Get sweaty and roll around on the sheets on the bed they'll use. Or put the nastiest, stained sheets you have. And a thin blanket. Hide the good sheets

Find a way to make the windows 'stick' in the room they'll be in so they either won't open or close all the way .

Don't buy any 'nice' food. Serve canned and microwave things only or cheap meals repeated over and over.

No crisps or biscuits, either. Hide the good things in your room. Eating them 'on the sneak' is revenge in and of itself. Say you're cutting out junk and won't have it in the house.

Same for drink. Non-fat milk. NO alcohol in the house. The cheapest bargain tea/coffee you can find. You can hide the good tea/coffee in your room for personal use. Same for the booze.

Affect a sore throat and cough in their face. Repeatedly. Bonus points for (as we say here) 'hawking a loogie' as loud as you can. Double bonus points if it's 'productive' and you say "OMG, look at this!' and show them.

Put the TV volume up loud or down soft, whichever would be annoying.

I have more. But that will get you off to a good start.

PS. Hide the extra loo rolls. Make them shout for it and take your time.

When I split with my ex husband he used to come round willy nilly just because he could so every time he was here I put my earphones in and just pottered about the house listening to and singing along to my favourite music he hated that because I couldn’t hear him and I was acting far too happy and upbeat for his liking haha, just to add I can’t fucking sing at all and I’m sure I sounded awful but I enjoyed myself

Don’t make a bed up for them.
Padlock the fridge - they may have a right to be in the house but they don’t have a right to your food
Do not cook for them

Make them a brew but subtly not how they like it. make it in the most irritating much you have for drinking out of.

Have a spicy curry and sleep in their bed with the windows closed the night before they come ;)

Sprinkle tiny amounts of black salt in their bedding, shoes, clothing... (it smells like boiled eggs).

Decorate the place garishly in a way you know they will hate.

There are lots of uncomfortable things for sale in pet food stores. Be a shame if you had some in the kitchen for your neighbour's dog/gekko/tarantula/snake... Pizzle (dried bull penis) doesn't look like what it it but it smells awful. Be a shame if you stored that in their room.

Oooh a little quip 🤭

How long have you been practising that and dying to use it?

Cook fish all day, every day. Don’t open windows.

Buy a selection of identical-looking lightbulbs of significantly different power levels. Randomly change the one in their room every time they're out.

Turn the stopcock partly off. Very slightly at first, then a little more each day. If possible, make the daily adjustment while they're in the shower.

If they like taking baths and you have a plastic plug, file a tiny bit off the side so it leaks slowly.

Adjust their shoelaces so one side is shorter than the other.

Replace any light bulbs in the room with .3w bulbs. Remove the batteries from the remote if there is a TV - and no you don't have any spares. Spray a couple of towels with water until they are damp, leave them in the bathroom and remove all dry ones before they use the bathroom - also toilet roll. Remove all nice ones and replace with that horrid shiny stuff they used to use in schools or in the absence of that, the cheapest you can find. But don't leave too many sheets on the roll. Find a really hideous air freshener, maybe those awful gel type ones? And hide in bedroom. Get a small travel clock that's easily hidden, set the alarm for 4am and also hide in bedroom.

Yes I'm quite sure that OP's situation is one that would be resolved with a kind word telling them they are unwelcome, and that they haven't tried that yet.

Back to the subject of pettiness: Use a netti pot in front of them.

isn't that literally what you are doing right there 😂

Any decent reptile shop will have them in stock. I several in my freezer at the moment (snake food)

become a pet sitter, have all the pets to your place @ a very low rate ( to guarantee a large quantity?!), keep them in ‘guests’ room.

Have a very secure hiding place for butter & anything ‘guest’ enjoys eating or drinking.

Block the drive, or parking on road, with loads of new vehicles.

Spill milk on their bedroom carpet two days before they come :)