To ask for your ideas to take petty revenges on an uninvited guest?

[guestsareinvited]

Because of boring and longwinded reasons, I can't currently prevent this person from coming to stay with me whenever they like. But I don't have to treat them like a guest, because guests are invited. I have plans in place to renounce this obviously terrible arrangement as soon as possible, but in the meantime I am relieving my frustrations by plotting small, petty revenge's that aren't unreasonable.

(They have a lovey home of their own, and don't really want to stay here. They are choosing to be here specifically because they know I don't want them and to make the point that they still can. It's silly and childish and I didn't choose it. They did, and are also deliberately prolonging the situation. There's nothing to do but laugh about it, and this is intended to be in jest. Although I can't promise I won't put one or two into practice if there are good suggestions.....)

I can lend you my child who, when he can’t sleep at night, tries to wake me up by poking me with a sword … first time I nearly died … too many horror movies 😱

Obtain a really noisy/annoying child or pet to stay whilst they are away and then encourage them to enjoy time with your visitors. It would also be incredibly frustrating that the heater in the room they’re sleeping in doesn’t work and you have no extra blankets. I’d also start eating really loudly, smacking my lips and chew with my mouth open (this is something which would drive me insane!!)

Go to a charity shop and invest in all the creepy ornaments
I like the idea of the random noise cricket thing
divest the kitchen of all the things they eat or contaminate them with weird things like mustard, popping candy or marmite etc.

Hide the crockery and cutlery or rearrange the kitchen so difficult or random to find.

Set an alarm for really early and leave in their room...hidden
Nasty nylon bedding
Only have hand towels in the bathroom or available
Get the sockets in their room turned off somehow
Lumpy old stained matress

If this is an ex then live your best life. Be very busy, look great, ignore them as much as possible and dont react if they try to annoy you. I imagine he would soon be fed up of being a spectator to your life.

Swap the sugar and salt containers over.

Make sure spare towels are hidden away and the one they have access to is always wet.

Plug in air fresheners everywhere.

Hide a child’s toy that makes random sounds in the back of a cupboard in their bedroom.

Record the sound of a Bee/someone laughing creepily on YouTube and play it through a hidden device in their bedroom on a loop - loud enough for them to hear, quiet enough that it doesn’t disturb you in your bedroom. Then claim you can’t hear it when they ask about it.

Leave humane mouse/rat traps in view, especially in their bedroom and say you saw a mouse/rat in that particular room they sleep in.

I would definitely go with the snoring idea. Put recording or speaker next to their wall. I would also pop out a lot and bring home lots of bags from expensive stores. I have noticed that, regardless of gender, this winds folks up something rotten. I would also have a couple of best dresses dry cleaned and ready to hang on any visible space, still in plastic bags. You could maybe buy something sexy in a charity shop. You don't have to wear it. It's all just casual dry cleaning. Can you do a bit of decluttering and drape a bikini or something over the back of a kitchen chair? Again, one of those things that upsets arse holes. Any update would 👍

From the Guardian’s problem page a few years back:

You simply allow your friend to move in and be welcoming and accommodating. Then you go out and purchase a bassoon. At 3AM every morning you sit yourself down on a stool in the hall, for acoustic purposes, and play your lungs out careful to repeat the same three notes again and again and again for at least 45 minutes before changing one of the notes and continuing on for yet another 45. Never flush the toilet after use. Stop showering and bathing. Don’t change your socks and be sure to wear them when sleeping. Of course you must never wash a dish, bowl, cup or cutlery and if she does you must totally freak out and shriek at her for not washing them properly and using too much washing up liquid. Continue to bring it up over and over again. Borrow money off her and keep fobbing her off when she asks for it back telling her that you’re skint yet arrive home with expensive pointless new items such as a fancy CD rack even though you don’t have any CD’s or a huge fish tank and leave it empty. Record the sound of howling animals from the Discovery channel and play loudly outside her door and window for 30 seconds at intervals during the night before quickly running back to your room. Consume a large portion of beans with each meal. Invite Jehovahs Witnesses around at every opportunity. Fuck it, Mormons too. Oh yes, play your cards right and you’ll be having so much fun you won’t want the bum to leave.

Do you have to be nice to them for some strange reason if not:

Do you know anyone they hate that you can invite for dinner? Or a really good friend of yours to stay at the same time so you can have a good laugh about in front of the person and to keep you sane.

Will they expect you to provide food and drink, cook, make their bed, provide towels and bed linen, do their washing? Don't do anything. They may have some sort of right to stay, but presumably everything in the house is yours so as an unwelcome visitor they can provide all their own stuff. If you let them watch tv choose all the programs they hate.

Take a leaf out of my MiL's book:

Turn off the central heating regardless of the weather conditions.
Replace every light bulb with energy savers that emit no light at all.
Purchase a sofa that is so hard and uncomfortable you can't reasonably sit on it for longer that 15 minutes.
Provide the smallest towels possible.
Dont change the bed linen between guests as it's "only been for one night".

It worked for her!!

I suspect it's someone harvesting stories for an article.

And flush the toilet and put n the Washing Machine and Dishwasher for good measure .

Empty all the food and snacks out of the house on bin day. Don’t replace.

Start scratching and talking about scabies.

Temporarily become enamored with a cult. Talk of nothing else. Practice every trick in the book to convince them to join them up while you’re at it.

Air BNB the lounge room to noisy American tourists.

I don't understand why carrier bags or dresses in plastic or bikinis would upset someone?

Agree with what’s already been said, things like changing WiFi password… turning hot water off when they want a bath/shower and claim the boiler must be playing up…

Put 4 hideously scented diffusers and a cheap plug in in their room. Hidden behind the wardrobe

Take the battery out of a smoke alarm and put it way out of reach on top of a wardrobe bip...bip...bip...

Buy 9 camembert cheeses from Lidl, cut a slice from each and leave them in the fridge for every time they get milk for tea.

Have a friend come round dressed in overalls and carrying a tool bag, who will say (very loudly) when you answer the door "Hello - Mrs Guestsareinvited, Pest Control for your bed bug fumigation - is now a good time?" "of course, come in"
Go upstairs with them. Make spraying noises. Spray a bit of fly spray for authentic smell. Come back down. Fake Pest Controller says "I'll be back next week - don't expect any improvement until after the second treatment"

Tell your "guest" that you hope they don't mind, but you've turned the house into a monastery. Place a small crowd of monks in each room.

take the battery out of the smoke alarm
Dear lord, people are giving some proper crazy advice.....

Make their bed as uncomfortable as possible. If there’s a mattress topper on it take it off. Hide all the tea and coffee make yourself unavailable as much as possible.

I'll lend you my MIL to visit also:

-She lets her dogs lick between her toes
-They also lick any bleeding scratch on her body
-She eats and talks with her mouth full, so bits of food comes spraying out all over the table
-She plays games on a tablet at the dining table- no head phones, and there is a constant 'yeah, ahh, err' when she wins!
-She uses 1 kitchen cloth a week. It dries plates, cleans the kitchen tops, cleans things off the floor, cleans the dogs faces and paws. Your 'guest' will contract a nasty illness in no time. 🤢

why don't you just try to grow up and tell them? All these stupid childish little lies that regularly surface on here as revenge options, just show the immaturity of quite a lot of people.

If they are MN, give them towels that have been washed without fabric conditioner, AND (shock horror) dried outside. For the sensitive MNtters, it's like sand paper apparently

If they like a soak in the bath take the plug out and hide it where only you know where it is. l might have done this to an overstayer who always soaked the bathroom every time l went out,,taken the plug out in my handbag

Eat kale and lentils.

Hahaha, this took me back in time. When I was a teen, my mum´s uncle (really a fried of grandad´s) would regale me with tales of trips he had taken with the merchant navy in the 40s and 50s. Which could have been interesting but for the "Let me think. It was on the 27th of June 1946, it was a Thursday, no, no, a Tuesday, definitely a Tuesday and..." I would lose the will to live.

Run out of loo roll, coffee, tea and bread. Have milk that is going sour (obviously keep fresh stashes of all these for yourself.)

Play very loud music when you want.
Nylon bedsheets, not washed between visits. Very low watt bulbs that take ages to light up in their room.

Have lots of friends over, especially ones with raucous laughs.