Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

He’s doing rugby training every evening? That doesn’t sound like family life at all. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

He said he’s “doing it for the family”, one night a week he coaches and makes about £80 a month. He also said he’s “a professional athlete” and his coach has said he can make this a career but at 27… surely not?

Selfish bastard. You’ve become “Mum” and he’s behaving like a teenager.

He sounds like a selfish prick tbh!

I wouldn’t date anyone with a sport related hobby, they have no appeal for me for this reason.

I would give him the option to rethink his choices or leave.

He must think of you as a mug. Not a partner but someone who can look after his child so he doesn't have to give up his hobby.

That's not a relationship. That's ridiculous.

I'd say he needs ton choose but at the moment he is getting an option that shouldn't even be available. He needs to be around at least 75% of the time he has his child.

I feel so sorry for this first daughter. You’re choosing this life, she isn’t.

It seems that all hes doing for his family is absolutely nothing. Put it to him, OP. Not only is it unfair, youre already resenting him and that wont get any better.

Well stop being his mother.. He can cook his own meals and wash his own stuff.. But if he isn't there his dd's dm might prefer she has her.. No disrespect but you are making his piss taking lifestyle too bloody easy.

Erm, im pretty sure shes not 'choosing' this life. I think shes been dealt it and by the sounds of it, is about to deal with it.

He's lying.

He's got himself a free nanny and a very active social life. Why would he want anything else?

You need to think long and hard about what you want and then have a serious conversation with him about your future.

You are obviously not being unreasonable but he became a father young and is obviously still extremely immature and chasing his interests instead of putting his family first.

Stop cooking and washing for a,start
How old are you? Do you work?
Leave live your life with dd

This stood out to me too, I used to be a fulltime professional rugby player, I never once had training everyday.

He has two children but is living like a single man. Barely a man, more like a teenager.

Did he spend evening out before he met you? Who had his DD then? If it’s increased since he thinks you’re trapped with a child I’d be leaving ASAP

Why just his first daughter?

has he always been like this OP or is it a new thing?

Given you say he does nothing when he is at home I'd just make an exit plan and get out. He has no interest in being a family and you can't make him.

Just focus on arranging the best deal you can for yourself and your DD.

Get ready to leave him OP, he's behaving disgracefully. Stop doing anything for him, he's treating you like dirt.

A professional athlete as what? Most professional rugby players retire at 30 - 35 - he’s missed the boat there I’m afraid. I can understand him doing rugby coaching (more so if you had sons) but he’s out every night? Absolutely ridiculous and utterly unsustainable. You need some family time. The fact he isn’t even available at weekends is the real kicker - what exactly did he think family life would be like? Mind you, if he’s able to do exactly as he pleases while you wash and cook for him as well as looking after his DD, it seems he’s got his bread buttered on both sides. I feel very sorry for the DC in all this - your DD and DSD must feel like sisters, and it would be an enormous wrench to them if the family were to break up. But your DH is being massively unreasonable- how much time do his rugby mates spend out of the house? This isn’t a marriage, OP, it’s a friend with benefits, where the benefits are all on his side and include all chores and childcare. He should be allowed a hobby, but absolutely not every day of the week and all weekend as well. When does he ever see his DD? I feel for you, OP, and I very much fear this is going to break up your relationship.

Why are you washing his clothes? Or cooking his meals?
Have you always done these things for him?
Has he ever done them for you?!

How much time does your DSD spend at your house? Surely she's there so that he can spend time with her/ take care of her? And if he's not around, it'd be better for her to stay with her other parent? Definitely not your job.

If you split up, it sounds like your life would be much easier. You'd only be looking after one person (your DD) instead of three. You might even get some time to do your own hobbies (if he ever has custody of your shared DD - presumably he'd manage at least a few hours EOW?!)

YABU to give him an ultimatum. He knows what he is doing. You dont need to tell him he is being unreasonable, he knows.

What yiu need to do is not beg him for his attention, you set your own stall. Dont ask him for anything, tell him what you are not willing to out up with, you're not begging him to chabge, youre not begging him to spend some time with you, youre not begging him to be a father.

He is making the decision everyday; he is not stupid. Dont belittle yourself by begging him for fuck all.

Tell him. Dont ask him, dont begging him, dont give him an ultimatum. Tell him youre not having this anymore. Youre not cooking for him, yiure not washing for him, youre doing nothing for him. He does nothing for you; he does nothing for his child. He is totally selfish and it stops now.

He's behaving like a single man and quite frankly I bet he isn't doing his hobby every night.

Why are you behaving like a free nanny/housekeeper? If he can't actually look after his own child then she stays with her mother, not you.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimation, some guys aren't worth the breath, just leave.

That’s a bit dramatic. Not everyone puts their hobby before their family

I say plan to leave him but in the meantime I would try and get up earlier than him say on a saturday / sunday and go out for the whole day.
Dont tell him just go and text / call him once your away from the home to say hes looking after the kids for the day. See how he deals with that .