Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

Time to leave. He is not interested in a relationship. Certainly not with you or his children. Tell him you are leaving and mean it. Or tell him to leave. What a freaking mess. Let his ex know what's happening with her child.

He might (MIGHT) be training every night. The senior squads at the club where I met DH do 10 sessions a week, timed to fit around a full time job... but that's a different sport, and even then no one carries on doing that once they have kids, they join the veterans' squad, do less training, and see their families.
Your DP is not going to get discovered and signed to play professionally at 27. He needs to admit this to himself and become a decent father, regardless of what happens in the relationship between you. I'm just so sorry you're going through this, it's shoddy.

I now have concerns that OP hasn't come back to us.

Like many others my DH played rugby to a high standard (in his youth he played county & was offered the opportunity (in his late teens) to play semi-professionally which, as was Rugby Union (RU) in the late 1970's would, in effect have been full-time (eg: professional), but as RU at the time was was officially an amateur sport he would also be employed as a coach for the club. He decided not to do that as he realised that he would only be an injury away from disaster & unemployment.

However, like PP have said the rugby club was a kind of family. They encouraged families to join in. I used to cook the meals for the teams. For those not in the know, generally rugby clubs host a meal for the teams after games & I was happy to get involved in that. They come out in their blazers & club ties, buy their opposite number a beer or two & then enjoy a meal together. It's all very sociable. The kids & families are very much involved - the kids would play at half time, & after the game. We'd have special family days with bouncy castles, when the men would cook a meal for the women who'd cooked for them & their 'away' guests all season & take responsibility for the children so the ladies could have a drink.

I rather fondly remember being dragged out of the kitchen to have a load of rather pissed men singing 'We love you ladies' at me.

Although my DH was very involved in keeping his fitness up, he used to get up early for his daily run, bringing me a cuppa before he left the house at about 05:30. Was home in time to help with breakfast, getting DC's lunches etc. He had practice once a week, used to help to train the 'Colts' once a week & played on one weekend a week.

Now my DGD aged 11 is playing for that club, being trained by her uncle (DS2) & we love going to watch her.