Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

I'm assuming your partner's daughter doesn't live with you full-time? The time she is there though he's out, expects you to parent/look after her and spends no time with her. I'm guessing he's been like this since you got together, rather than since your joint child came along? Your partner isn't interested in parenting his children, spending time with them or you. His sole interest in life is himself, and being able to do what he wants/when.

He's 27, and as you say, is unlikely to become a professional rugby player. He's too old. I'm sure it's something he would love to happen, but I'm afraid he's not being very realistic. I'd love to win the lottery, but the odds of me doing so, are pretty slim!!

Unfortunately, your partner has signed out of family life. He's far too selfish to be a Dad. He's too selfish to be in a serious relationship. You are a convenience to him, someone to parent the kids, cook, clean, work and give him sex whenever he fancies = nanny with a fanny. He doesn't want the responsibility of his children.

Yes, you could give him an ultimatum but I personally don't think it will make much difference. Oh I'm sure he'd say a few words, that he knows you want to hear, there might even be a little lukewarm improvement but eventually he'll slip back.

You would be better off splitting. You would then only be responsible for your shared daughter and he'd have to parent both children when he saw them. Your partner would only parent, until he'd managed to persuade another woman to take your place, though.

YANBU to give an ultimatum but you need to seriously mean it, OP. Be absolutely clear that you will accept no less than what you want and need to be a proper family. Do not compromise. Tell him, he has one chance now to step up and start behaving like a husband and father. If he doesn't take that chance, then it's over.

But you have to mean it. Because if you say it and don't follow through, your life will soon be hell.

I know the feeling, you believe that if you could only find the right words he would understand how unfairly he is treating you and he would do things differently.
It took me decades to wake up and realise that they know exactly what they are doing and it's all deliberate. And when I realised that he was deliberately working everything to his advantage I thought 'two can play at that game mate and I'm much better than you are'.
Don't bother with an ultimatum. He may realise that you might actually try and stop him living the life of Riley at your expense. He will then double down and work harder to make sure that you can't leave the relationship without it costing you a lot financially and otherwise.
Turn the tables on him, work everything to your advantage and present him with a fait accompli.

He's taking the piss. He should be playing rugby once,maybe twice a week, keeping weekends free for the children. He's not a teen-ager without responsibilities anymore. And stop cooking his dinners

When does your DP spend time/care for his 2 DDs?
When does your DP spend time with you?
He seems to have the idea that you care for the DDs and he has no responsibility for them at all.

You might as well leave, it doesn't sound like there's much point being in a relationship with him.

Aw, poor baby, he's wants to become his "best self"....

LTB.

My ex behaved similarly. After we had our first DD he made promises to change, and I made the mistake of believing him. He would seldom manage to keep his promises for more than a day or two, then it was back to him being a dead weight. Then came second DD, and nothing changed - my then partner was out pretty much all the time, leaving me worn to a frazzle looking after a baby, a toddler and a manchild. I left him before DD2's first birthday, and it was the best thing I did. I'd put off the moment of leaving because I dreaded being an SP, and at that point I had no qualifications so no way of earning more than a rubbish salary (this was before minimum wage). However, leaving my selfish partner was the biggest confidence boost ever. Once DD2 was at school I went back to college then university, and eventually managed to earn us a much more comfortable lifestyle than we'd ever have had with their dad, and it was a relief not having his constant drain on my physical and emotional energy. I can't say I regret not leaving my ex earlier, because then I wouldn't have had DD2 and I can't imagine life without her. But I'd say give your partner an ultimatum, be really clear about what you will and won't put up with, and if he can't step up to the plate and behave like an adult, end it. No pleading, no second chances.

A man who produces two families in 5 years doesn't scream selfless, thoughtful and family-orientated to me, so I'm not surprised he's like he is.

If you know you can follow through on your ultimatum, do it. If not, he'll just take you for a bigger mug.

If you give him an ultimatum you'll be shooting yourself in the foot, you'll be giving him a heads up which will enable him to get HIS ducks in a row and attempt to Sabotage any plan that you make.

He won't give up his cushy life without a fight, your best bet is to ambush him.

*you believe that if you could only find the right words he would understand how unfairly he is treating you and he would do things differently.
It took me decades to wake up and realise that they know exactly what they are doing and it's all deliberate. *

This. You think you can make him see how unreasonable he's being.

He knows. He knew you would take care of his eldest and yours. He isn't interested in parenting, that's your job.

He's not going to change. He'll make promises and it will last a week or two. Then back to the shit show. No ultimatum will make him see he's a selfish man child. You'd just be wasting your time and breath because this is him.

It's hard to realize you let a shitty man pull the wool over your eyes. But it's time to get clear of him.

You're not even married to this man, OP, so I don't understand why you are acting like his wife.

He is palming off his responsibilities onto you without even giving you the security of marrying you.

I'd be leaving immediately.

Standard practice for many men on here it seems. He's managed to get a girlfriend in place to look after his daughter, & convinced you he wanted a family with you, so you'd stay & do all the parenting while he carries on as though he's a single man. I wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum, he has no intention of changing & will make up whatever nonsense he can, to justify why he gets to carry on as he is. Personally I'd start planning to leave.

Well, its deja vu every day here on MN, isn't it? Men who clearly do not want to be in a relationship that requires them to give up anything whatsoever. Its a joke. FGS, a relationship has to be a commitment, and having a partner (and a family) shoud mean that partner and family is the number one priority, above all else. What's the bloody point otherwise?

Come on op... why do you have so little respect for yourself?

He is living as a single man and you are enabling it.

He saw you coming and is taking you for a mug. Leave him!!!

Just ask him: how would you feel if i landed you with the responsibilities you take for granted from me? If I had several hobbies that took up all my free time and expected upu to care for the children with never a moment to yourself.
Wait for him to answer. Explain that he is being staggeringly selfish and you need to reorganise so that you get as much time yo upursekf as he has.
You have to take it, by the way. Don't expect him to offer it. Just decide and announce then leave the house.

@Toadlygetu I'm assuming you work as your kids are school age, so my advice would be start quietly putting some money aside for when you need it.

Where the fuck do these men get the audacity 🫠 it actually blows my mind, my husband just would never!! It wouldn’t even occur to him to be out of the house that much.

He is being willfully ignorant. Pretending he doesn't really understand the impact on you because right now, he's got everything he wants. Freedom, fuck all responsibility and a built in cook/cleaner/childminder.

Men like this only respond to having their lifestyle genuinely challenged - talking about it won't do anything.

You need to tell him that you've signed up for something - dancing is good because you can claim training/travel for competitions/potential career (just as he is). It's 3 nights a week, Saturday afternoons and travel one weekend a month to national competitions. What you 'you' (as a unit) going to do about childcare?

And no, your mum can't have them
And no, you don't think it's unreasonable when he has two hobbies that take him out of the house Every. Single. Day
And no, you won't be able to do his dinner on Dance nights.

He doesn't recognise the bigger problem? You have your answer. Leave.

Oo that’s a good one! I would rather date a musician than a gym goer but it’s still gun to my head.

Anyone that plays guitar is a walking ick for me.

Where's the OP?

I think it's obvious why he came into the relationship with OP with a 6 year old daughter ... former partner/wife wasn't having it! And rightfully so!

@everypageisempty , the DSD isn't 6 yet, and he's been with OP long enough to have a DD with her.
Given that info, it sounds like he had a DD of no older than 4 and was about 25 himself when OP and he got together.

My husband would love it to be fair, but knows it would be the end of the marriage!