Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

I’d book a weeks solo holiday, tell him I’ve decided i can no longer care much much more for and work harder to support your job and hobbies than you do your family and marriage. I’m off on a holiday, pretend it’s rugby, pub and fishing like you do non stop every night and it should be obvious I can’t possibly come back for a week. you take more time for these hobbies and leisure every single week than I have had pretty much since our dd was born and you are taking the absolute piss. I do not believe you love me, I’m frankly surprised you remember my or the children’s names as you see us all so little, but you’re a dad, I am in a crisis due to no support from you and I’ll be back in a week. Then we can talk about our marriage and the enormous effort you are going to put in if you want to keep it. Right now it’s over 7 days from now, so up to you if that changes.

I agree, I don’t think that level of selfishness can be changed. What would get me is the fact he knows fine what he’s doing and thinks it’s okay, not sure I can get over that.

OP he’s a sexist pig who is very much steeped in the patriarchy, he will do nothing but take from you for as long as you’re willing to allow it. That’s what you’re there for in his eyes (consciously or not). You’ve already pulled him up on it and he’s brushed it aside with a lot of nonsense that he’s doing it for the family. Be prepared for more of the same or maybe a few weeks of him “trying” before slipping back into full blown “me me me” mode.

Respect yourself, you are worth way more than this. Please leave him.....

Sorry OP but you’ve got an awful life as have two little girls.
An ultimatum is needed if you want to continue this one sided relationship but personally I’d finish with this selfish excuse for a man anyway.

Quite the deal he has with you OP. What a selfish git.

I'd be laying down the law. He's taking the absolute piss and the entitlement of this is not tenable. Tell him what you need from him, and say if he doesn't step up and be a Dad and partner, then you're out. And get your ducks in a row so if you need to go down that route, you have a plan.

OP he is utterly deluded. I can’t believe you are putting up with this and that he expects this of you.

I have a professional rugby player in my extended family who now coaches (professional as played internationally and was super well paid).

It’s almost unheard of to debut at 27. He’s full of it.

You're already a single parent.

Make it official.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who is "engaging" with me only because I gave them an ultimatum, I would break it off. He isn't missing you and clearly doesn't want to spend time with you and the family as sad as that is. If he wanted to, he would. If you don't want to end it yet at least immediately stop cooking for him and doing anything else like his mother.

He's 27 and still thinks he has a shot at a professional sports career, despite the fact that most professionals debut about a decade before that? At best he's utterly deluded but most likely it's just his excuse to be monumentally selfish. Just curious, where is your step daughter's mum?

As someone who has a young professional son who plays rugby for county and country, he is absolutely telling lies in relation to him “becoming professional” that ship has sunk.

Yes, I’d not tolerate that, he has a family and responsibilities , he’s not a single man.

You are sadly being used as house keeping and child care. He has got away with it, so nothing is changing.

Sounds like you are the nanny with a Fanny.

Make plans to extricate yourself from this shitshow. 💐

It would be really unusual, in my experience, for such an involved team who spend so much time together socially too, to not have at least the odd event with partners. Do you know any of these friends & teammates? Or is he keeping you away from them incase you compare notes?

So technically you’re his ‘staff’.
Sorry OP this is grim. I would rather be alone than with this poor excuse for a man.

No of course, I have a hobby myself, but to me things like football, the gym, rugby, fishing, golf etc. tend to take up too much time and focus for some guys and have a culture around them that I don’t like.

I prefer men with more thoughtful hobbies and better priorities, this man clearly doesn’t have that.

I rarely say this, but LTB. He is taking the fucking piss.

Why would you put up with that?
You're basically his unpaid maid/nanny.
You should have the exact same amount of free time for hobbies as he does.
He's not being a parent or a partner.

You’ve posted about this useless twat before haven’t you? It gave me the rage last time too.

This - it's easier, I can tell you from personal experience!

A bit extreme. Many people have a sport related hobby and only do it once or twice a week and still remember they have a family.

But, OP, you would be massively unreasonable not to give him an ultimatum. He needs to massively reduce the amount of time he spends doing rugby, ditch the fishing, and ditch the additional drinks with rugby mates, and spend time with you and his children, and help out with housework. What’s the point in this relationship as it is now? It seems he gets everything done for him but you’re getting absolutely no benefit at all.

Just stop ‘doing’ for him.
don’t cook his food don’t wash his clothes. Then you can live properly like housemates and at least you will feel
slightly less resentful while you lot
your escape

He's doing it for the family? He makes £80, most of that will go on beer after the games. Do yourself and his DC a favour Op, chuck him out or leave, maybe that way they'd see him now and then.

Based on what you have shared, he’s taking the piss. How many evenings is ‘nearly every evening’. How many evenings is he at home? (I think that’s key to consider whether this is just a selfish hobby situation or something more).

Do you work? Do you have DSD full time or 50:50 or something else?

I’d sit down, tell him you’re bored and lonely in your relationship and fed up being treated like his maid. Unless he becomes better company, gets involved in family life, and shares responsibility for parenting, tell him you’re out. Give him a very short deadline to make a decision and be prepared to follow through if he doesn’t shape up. In the meantime, stop mothering him and following him to games. I’d be tempted to mention that feeling like you are mothering him is deeply unattractive and a real turn off (if that’s the case). I can’t imagine fancying someone who’s turned into a selfish man-child.

He’s never going to become pro at 27. He’s living in a fantasy. Drinking beer every week isn’t the sign of an athlete! 100% he needs an ultimatum. Shape up family wise or get lost!!!!

Ultimatum pointless: a father of two and partner (to you and his ex) who has behaved like that isn’t worth staying with. If he wanted to behave differently he would have.