Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

I had one of these - a selfish twat, who thought he could just carry on as if he didn’t have a wife and child.

Don’t even bother pissing around by not cooking or washing his clothes. Forget getting up earlier than him and going out for the day (he’ll just find someone else to look after them).

He won’t change regardless of what you do or how many ultimatums you throw at him. I tried all sorts and he didn’t change. The one thing that worked for ME was chucking him out and divorcing him. He hasn’t changed - still puts his hobby and himself first, but I’ve changed, as I don’t have to put up with it anymore. Life is drastically better.

He’s living the life of a single fella while you’re at home looking after not only your child but his too. What would he do if you made plans to go out weekend with the girls, or this not allowed?
you say he’s 27, he needs to grow up! I’d be giving him an ultimatum and the first thing would be stop babysitting his kid, he obviously didn’t step up when the first one was born now he has two and still not stepping up.

So you’re just a free babysitter / maid / cook and cleaner basically?

Agree with all comments hes not training every night, you cant leave immediately but i would down tools, dont cook for him or do his washing or buy his food and id be round friends or family with my child when his child needs looking after, how many of his so called rugby mates are single as it sounds like hes liking the 'single' life or are they playing away and he fancies a bit of that too, and where does he play rugby in the evenings as its dark and has rained for the last 2 months he must be coming home every day caked head to foot in mud! And i bet the barmaid in the lounge is pretty too! Surely the rugby club has social media which shows what events and training are going on, you need to be more of a private detective

How you have not given an ultimatum before now I don’t know.

Do it tomorrow!

“Choose our family or choose the life of a single man.” If it’s the latter then off you go and good luck trying to fit your fishing and rugby beers around looking after your kids when they come to visit every other weekend.

I can only imagine you’ll be so much better off without him.

I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

Are you though? So many times people make an ultimatum and then don't follow through.

Do you really mean it?

I'm a massive rugby fan. And my club, Wigan Warriors, do an enormous amount of work in the community, they organise weekends for kids, girls and boys of all ages, not just in rugby, but general fitness and athletics stuff. The OP is probably talking about rugby union, but I imagine the clubs in that code do similar. But hey, this isn't really about rugby, is it? This guy is a chancer.

You can issue an ultimatum but here's the thing - if he wanted to spend time with you and his children, then he would. He chooses not to, he's showing you where his priorities lie. If I were you, I wouldn't try and force someone who doesn't want to spend time with me to do it. I would want him to want to. And he doesn't.

If I were you I'd take your little daughter and leave. He's taken the piss for far too long and you shouldn't stay and put up with it.

Oh op… 😔 why oh why do women put up with this shit? Not married but babysitting his kid and doing everything else all week just so he can go out and live his best life. He’s a selfish knob with zero care or even basic respect for you. You must know this. You also know that this is the worst role modelling of relationships for your dd. Please tell him - not asking him - to shape up or ship out.

Suspicious. Could he have a secret OW. Or multiple.

It is an awful lot of time out of the house for one hobby. I’m not sure it stacks up.

But you don’t need to give an ultimatum. He won’t learn. Just find a happier, less lonely life for yourself elsewhere.

This is probably the same reason he broke up with his ex.
Give him an ultimatum and kick him out if he doesn't step up and be a proper father. There's no point in him bringing children into the world he spends little or no time with. He's a selfish tosser.

Young women need to avoid men who already have children with another woman. I wouldn't touch any with a barge pole.

The number of young women on MN who are looking after their Jerk of a husband's children by his first "wife" is a joke.

These men are charmers - they tell you what you want to hear so that they get what they want - all the time.
Charming men are expert manipulators.

He definitely won't cave to an ultimatum as he is fully aware you are miserable and lonely and that he is being a selfish shitweasel - and he likes his life just as it is.

So get all your affairs in order first, get a lawyer, sort out where you can go or if you can kick him out. Have your plans in place. And then, calmly, give him one chance only to fix all the problems he has caused, giving him a clear, short list of expectations.

And then, when he refuses, bin him.

Absolutely this. There's no way in hell I'd be putting up with that. Just leave. Men like this don't change, he will just resent you and accuse you of being controlling

You’re his bangmaid.

Now you know why he’s divorced. His poor children are going to have a procession of stepmothers.

Crikey what rugby is he playing because my dh and brothers do rugby and it's training one night, coaching one night and then matches on the weekend during season.... something is odd about this one

Yes, of course.

Why are you looking after his first daughter? Does he have her 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance?

I think he saw you coming Op. He's obviously got fuck all respect for you.

He sounds so boring. He's ungrateful, disrespectful and I'm sorry but he likes you less than he likes fishing. You would be better off simply quitting your unpaid job as his nanny. Ultimatums would just give him power to keep you on the hook for longer - perhaps until he has his children's next step mum lined up.

Who's name is the house in?

Surely no hobbies take up this much time. What hobby rugby team plays every evening and weekend days too? The fishing is a bit convenient, as well.

I smell a rat...

I smell a cheat.

This reminds of the post a while ago about the husband at the gym all the time leaving his wife with their child and his daughter.

Put his dirty socks and clothes on his pillow. I learned that from MN.
No OP, he isn't doing his hobby for his family.
If you can, leave him he is useless.

You now know why his first marriage ended.