Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

What is the point in an ultimatum? Do you really want a man at home ONLY because he has to be forced to be there? Ask him to leave. Your 'term of service' is over.

Send the step daughter back to mum, tell him to drop her off on the way to his rugby.

What will he do for childcare of your DSD if you split? And presumably he’d have shared responsibility of your joint DD.
It would be ironic if you split and he couldn’t devote nearly as much time to his hobbies due to his parental responsibilities!! plus cooking is own good and doing his own washing!

you on the other hand would have so much more time to yourself and a much more peaceful and relaxed life! Plus typically I’d be thinking about the DDs but in this case they must barely see him as it is so they should get more quality time with him this way too

feels like a no-brainer to me!

I would just leave. If you ask him to change he will be forever holding it against you. His lifestyle is not compatible with family life, some women put up with this but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Definitely this.

The only person he’s doing this for is himself. He’s opted out of family life and is leaving you to look after his children.

I’d get my ducks in a row then tell him to grow up or fuck off.

He sounds like the sort of man who should never have had children, never mind children by two different women.

He is completely selfish and sounds utterly delusional about becoming a professional athlete. You are an unpaid nanny for his elder daughter while he does exactly what he wants.

Your life would be much easier without him. You'd only have one child to look after.

It almost doesn't even matter where he or what he's doing at this point. It's clear that he doesn't want to be home with you or your family. He's making a huge effort to be absent as much as possible.

If you have to force someone's participation through ultimatums then you're already finished in my view. He should want to spend time with you. Currently he retains the domestic and childcare benefits of a relationship, it's up to you to decide if you wish to continue providing that.

This isn't a relationship. You're the cook, maid, housekeeper and nanny. I doubt an ultimatum will have a positive effect on him. Save yourself from stress and wasted time, just make plans to leave. Have higher standards for yourself

Giving him an ultimatum in my opinion is pointless. He doesn’t want to be apart of his family. If he wanted to he would be. Leave. You and your DD deserve more. I broke up with my exh and he left me with custody of his DD, my dsd, obviously her mum wasn’t on the scene so it made it easier but would you might find your DH doesnt want custody of either DD.

Youll have a nicer life alone, with the opportunity to meet someone when your dd is older. The family you have right now is lacking a husband and father and I couldn’t get past that, unless you are stuck financially, leave. You will mutually resent one another regardless of the outcome of the ultimatum

Ultimatums don't change anything with selfish people.

You're already living life as a single parent, might as well make it official and reduce your domestic workload.

I left my Ex DH over golf and the pub... life is too short...

and that is precisely the problem.

if you now give him an ultimatum, you’ll be like the mum telling him off for playing with his friends and making him to go to his bedroom and do his homework, or even worse for a teenager ‘you have to spend time with your family’!

Agree with all these comments. You’re his unpaid skivvy. This relationship needs to actually become a relationship (which means him doing stuff and you getting time off) or it needs to finish. Good luck OP

So your his maid and nanny in the guise of his partner. I would not tolerate this. What does he contribute to the family other than sharing your bed? He is never there, spends no time with you or any of the kids. He is leaving you with his child from a previous relationship because he wants to play sports. Its ultaimation time and follow through on it.

So he's out every evening, all day Saturday and most of Sunday. He's particularly late today because "he's taking his mates home" ...

AND on top of that he's taken up fishing?

Yeah, yeah, there's fairies in the bottom of my garden too.
He's got another family somewhere!

So you are looking after his child, your step child, and he's never there. That poor child! I wonder if it's mother knows. Disdain for you and disdain for his children. Not sure I'd even bother with an ultimatum. I would have absolutely no respect for a man who fucks off to play sport on the days your step-child is there.

why are you enabling this man to treat you like this?!

Hard “no” to the fishing! I would be telling him “I’m out on Saturday as I’ve taken up C25k, as I need a break from parenting.”Then I’d get up at 6am, take the car and go for a swim or a jog and then I’d go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop. Send a text at 9am saying you’ll be home around 11.30am and turn up at home all happy and smiling. Do this every week.

how old is dsd and does dsd have a good relationship with her mum and is she nearby? I would be contacting mum saying your dh is rarely home and so would she like overnights back on those days? Then tell dh he can drop dsd back at her mum on his way to rugby after dinner each day.

@MrsJeanLuc thats a point i didn’t think of. Yikes.

I speak from my experience and others I have known - ultimatums in personal relationships don’t work.
Life is too short to be putting up with this kind of nonsense. You have a man baby not a husband. Have some self respect and dignity and see the writing on the wall. He is not going to change. Get out now.
You need to quietly get your ducks in a row. Find out as much as you can about his earnings and pension. What the mortgage is and what the house is worth etc. Take photos of any relevant info and then go to a solicitor.Once you have everything lined up, then let him know.
Please don’t waste any more time on someone who obviously doesn’t care that much about you.

Is the OP coming back to address all these questions and points..?

Sports training should be twice a week with rota-ed matches one day at the weekend. If they very occasionally get scheduled for both days, but if it is every weekend, then one of the other coaches needs to take that day. If he’s an ‘athlete’ then he needs train and do his additional fitness sessions during lunch time or after the kids have gone to bed at a 24hr gym.

This said, my godson was actually in the Saracen’s Youth academy from 11-19 and he did NOT train as much as this (it’s actually dangerous as you get overuse injuries) and there is absolutely NO way he has the potential of a professional career at the age of 27. My Godson was basically told if you are not picked from the professional academies by the time you are 21, it’s over other than amateur sports. Even if your DH is talking about becoming a professional coach rather than player, that needs to be set out and his training programme and projected income needs to be discussed as a couple (I’m afraid that is also unlikely unless he has a sports science degree, specialising in Rugby and has already played professionally even if only in the lower leagues).

My DH was a youth coach for cricket for 8 years so I was fine with his two night and one day at the weekend schedule, particularly because he took our son. I was involved as Mums/wives helped out making the sat AM butties in the ‘shop’ and running the clubhouse bar during matches. We were included and took our other children, so it was family focused. It was about being involved for my DS, not an ego trip for my DH.

I’d be giving your DH an ultimatum - it two nights a week training + one weekend fixture or he ships up and moves out.

Met a lot of men like OP’s DH when my DS trialled rugby, though.

So our rugby club the mens team train 2 x per week for 90mins each. Match on Saturday followed by beers. Some parents coach their kids in the week/sundays. They go on tour once a year. They don’t do this much rugby or drinking……

I rarely say this but I will make an exception for him. Leave him or get him out of the house. You are getting nothing from this relationship, it's not a relationship, it's slavery. You will be happier without him in your life. And so will your child. Do it now, strike while the iron is hot.