Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

I am sorry op but you are his nanny and housekeeper with benefits. He saw you coming and this is probably why his last slave left. If I were you I would be looking to end it amicably for the sake of the kids.

She's probably too busy getting the DCs ready for school, taking them to school, doing DP's laundry, making his tea, cleaning the house.....

D T F

Well he's already abandoned one family, and he has clearly checked out of this relationship.

So, if it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck ...

This is insane. Does he genuinely think he has nor role or responsibility in spending time with the DC and helping at home?

Time and time again there are threads on here about women with stepchildren who carry 99.9% of the load and the men get away with it. What's the saying - nannies with fannies. You can't give an ultimatum to someone to make them part of a family when they've gotten away with this behaviour for years.

Pick your self respect up from off the floor OP and kick him to the kerb like his ex clearly had the sense to.

At 27, it will be with a lower league club, low pay and he will need a side job because the money won't be that much and it could all go tits up any day if he gets injured (and if he isn't already a professional, paid rugby player, he's looking at less than a decade earning a wage as an athlete if he does get signed). Big clubs sign players as juniors and some of those make it to the first team, a lot don't. At 27, if he hasn't been signed yet, he isn't good enough to make it.

Stop with the washing and the cooking

He wants to be single? Let him get on with it

I feel very sorry for his daughter as she will suffer (not your fault) if when you split

Well if he has a daughter who is under 6 with another woman and you already have a child together, you surely can’t have been together very long at all? Also sounds as though the relationship with his older child’s mum must have broken down quickly, I wonder why…

Do the children recognise him? They must see a strange man popping in and out of the house.

All to plan, find a new childminder and carry on with the single life. Refuse to have his daughter over unless he is there to look after her. If he refuses then you know it is time for him to go. If you do get rid of him try and make time for your DD to see her sister.

This doesn’t sound like a relationship at all. He’s either delusional or lying about where he is all the time. Are you in a financial position to be able to just leave?

I think an important question is why it's not obvious to you that he is being completely unreasonable (I don't mean that as rudely as it sounds)

Men are very good at making us doubt ourselves, so we end of thinking we’re being unreasonable , just by requesting normal standards

I’d be letting him know he’s in charge of looking after his own dd when she’s with him going forward. That will be fine at practice and matches, won’t it? Take your dd and go out. Leave him to parent his child or both of them and see how he gets on for a few weeks. After all, he isn’t asking your permission to go out, so you don’t need to ask his. Just get up and go.

Yanbu. Lay down in a conversation with him where you stand on this and put some boundaries down, you will not be babysitting your DSD whilst he attends hobbies, if he's not home during "family meal time" say when everyone eats at 6 for example then he can fend for himself etc

So £20 income per week.

He's choosing to miss many hours of family time for hobbies.

I hope he listens to you @Toadlygetu

What’s the situation with dsd? Is she with you a lot? Maybe speak with her mum and suggest for the time being she stays with her as dh is not prioritising her in any way. Then maybe you and dd take some time out, disappear for a while, like a week away, see how long it takes him to notice or even care, then you can advise him if he’d actually bothered to be around he’d be invited! This gives you time to think about what you want and what’s best for you and dd. In order for you to return he needs to make immediate changes - and if he can’t commit to that then you have your answer.

Well OP there is a reason why he has an ex and I suspect this is why.

You do not have a DP you have a man child. The way forward is up to you, but I would be telling him exactly how things are if they don’t change.

The thing is, he was probably raised this way, his mum doing everything for him and it really sucks that a lot of parents don’t realise that their job is to bring up an independent adult, not a manchild burden to the next female partner.

Pull the trigger OP, things are not going to improve without drastic action.

Please also seriously consider the example being set for the DD here, that the woman does everything is not a good one!

Nope, nope, nope. I’d be out and not looking back.

Taken up fishing too 😂 Literally when will he squeeze this in?? Get your own hobby of being single.

he is NOT a pro athlete
He is a local club player
He is taking the piss and his priorities are skewed
My hubby loves sport but reined it it when we had kids

You've turned in to his mum/nanny

People with so-called 'intellectual' hobbies can be just as selfish, believe me.

Definitely ultimatum time. I can't believe you've put up with this for so long.
No cooking for him.
No washing for him. Once the situation changes you can take turns doing both of these, and all housework.
Sit him down and give him ultimatum - one third of evenings and weekends he can go out, one third of evenings and weekends you will go out, one third of evenings and weekends you stay together as a family. Obviously you can change these percentages to suit your family but the point is you have to have equal free time to him - even if you don't want it, you need to make a point!
If he objects to any of this, he is 100% unreasonable and I'd start making plans to leave.
All of this is complicated by DSD of course - he really should be here for 90% of the time she's around...