Can’t carry on like this… aibu to give ultimatum!

[Toadlygetu]

DP is out of the house constantly. He works all week and spends nearly every evening at his hobby (rugby). This extends to weekends as well, with a match usually on Saturday and “beers with the team” on Sunday.

He usually is out 6-8:30ish. Today he left at 530 and he’s not back now (10). He just text saying he’s dropping his mates in the next town over so will be back around 10:30

We have 2 DSCs (his DD and our DD) who are both under 6. So I’m always looking after DD when he’s out, and usually DSD too.

I’m honestly exhausted, I just want time together. I don’t begrudge a hobby but this is all the time. Our family is expected to follow him to matches etc at the weekend.

When he’s home he’s either on his phone or messing around on his computer.

im so lonely, I have friends and I love DD, but I feel like a mother to him - cooking his dinners (which he eats alone) and washing his clothes.

He’s recently taken up fishing (😒) which will now see him out the house Sunday before his beers with friends.

AIBU to make him choose between his hobby and his family? I’m fully ready to leave if nothing changes

Talk to him. Tell him he engages in family life or you end the relationship.
The hardest part will be telling him he will have to look after your step daughter too. It's not her fault but he needs to know you are not a unpaid Nanny.
He is not doing things for the family he is doing it for himself. If he does not change and you carry on as you are you are enabling him. He is very selfish.

I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum, It would just be over. This is no life, and it won’t get better.

Another one here saying don't bother with the ultimatum. You've a child together and he hasn't even married you. He is giving you literally NOTHING. He's using you to parent his own child (both obviously but I mean your stepchild).

As for the "doing this for the family" bullshit, for £80 a month? Does he think you were born yesterday? He probably spends more than that per month on his Sunday weekly team drinks sessions. Immature fucker.

What's your housing situation? Rent, own, whose names are on the tenancy or mortgage/deeds?

This man is not a family man, I'd start afresh without him, just you and your DD and get the CMS claim in immediately.

I’m sorry I don’t believe he is pursuing his hobbies every single evening, unless you are sure of this. Leaves the house at 5.30am and comes back at 10pm? Dropping his mates home in another town ? I think he’s lying. And he’s spending his time when he is at home on his computer/ phone. It’s possible he is cheating but even if he isn’t it’s incredibly selfish of him. He’s living the life of a single man and also not being present for his daughters. It’s not giving you or them anything. I’d tell him how you feel and if nothing changes, leave.

Have you checked out his story- usually rugby training is 1 night per week, coaching 1 night per week, match on weekend - i don't believe he's at rugby every night.
I'd also be finding myself a hobby and letting him know when it's his turn to start parenting.

He has checked out already anyway nothing to lose

Why did he & his daughter’s mother break up? While she was small? Were they in a relationship?

How does he enhance every aspect of your life and make it easier and fun? That's the only reason to have a boyfriend.

This man is exploiting you to raise his kids and perform chores. He's a user and a deadbeat. An enjoyable life is waiting for you, show him the same regard he gives you and his kids.

I love this!

Did he not have this hobby when you were dating?
it’s impossible to train intensively every night.
a professional athlete would not drink beers with the boys.
hes lying or avoiding family life. But I don’t understand how this has come out of the blue.

I'm pretty sure you've posted about him before. I think he's elsewhere.

Why did he split up from DSD's mother?
Did you meet him by responding to a 'Nanny with a fanny' job advert?

At the very least you stop doing anything 'for him' (washing, putting away his clothes etc etc) and say DSD can only be there when he is going to do the childcare. It is his daughter, she comes to spend time with her dad and not with you so you really shouldn't be facilitating him not spending time with her. I'd also say you need two nights a week and a full weekend day for your own hobby. If he refuses, really there's not much to salvage here.

Yes, did rugby split them up or an affair?

Excellent question.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Get him to. If he’s not prepared to pull his weight you are better off without him. He’s making more work for you and giving you nothing. How has managed to have two kids by two different women yet does nothing to support them?

Also my dad was actually an elite level athlete and coach (competing in the Olympics) around a FT job when I was a kid. This is what that looked like:

Training: 2 nights per week, back home by about 8/9pm (might intensify in the build-up to a big event to 3 nights)
Competition: Saturday or Sunday, with more training or workouts on the other day. Sometimes away overseas for competitions. He also used to train in the mornings sometimes and on his lunch break.

He was still present in the home, and we often accompanied him to competitions and training. When we were about 4/5 he also tried to get us involved in the sport and took us along to training sessions (my sister ended up also competing at an international level in the same sport). He did eventually (in my early teens) cut way back on the sports because my mum had enough of our lives revolving around his interests.

He would also do additional training and hobby sports, but I do not remember a household where he was entirely absent. This is not normal even for elite sportspeople.

Completely agree.

Oh come on @Toadlygetu

You know this isn’t reasonable!

He’s a selfish bastard and a shit dad. He’s absolutely taking the piss out of you.

Why the hell are you putting up with this?!

So his daughter comes to stay and he’s never there seeing her - you are

yes time to leave.

OP, this is not a relationship.

He is not being at all reasonable, and is not fulfilling any of the requirements of a partner or father.

You need to accept that you have to move on.
He already has.

Get all the paperwork together - mortgage, savings, salary info, pension - then see a solicitor.

💐

Stop being the bangmaid nanny for your shitty partner. It's quitting time.

If he's 27, he's not going pro. Pro athletes get paid and make a living playing their sport. That's a load of bullshit. I doubt he's practicing every evening. That gives the body no rest and recovery time.

I wouldn't even give him another chance. He's shown you very clearly he isn't interested in being a relationship partner and a father. He would rather be out than parent his oldest, but he leaves her with you. Custody time is when he's supposed to be spending time with his child. Is he doing this so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?

Why waste your time with him? It sounds like you and the kids barely see him. I'd get a lawyer consult and sit him down and tell him you're done.

Tell me you’re not washing his rugby kit for him

Giant man baby. Was it always this way???

id be off like a shot.

I would also expect a rugby club to have regular family events and parties that you and your kids would be part of - other mums and kids who you would socialise with around the club if it’s that much a part of his life?

This Is not about an intense hobby which can be accommodated and structure the family life, it is about him not actually being in the relationship with you, or wanting to be a dad to his children.