Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

It sounds like university is not for her and your time would be better spent helping her to find a different pathway to a career.

I’m sorry OP that must be difficult. I think the best thing you can do is look after her and help her find something else- uni clearly isn’t working for her. I’d be surprised if there is anything they could offer if she hasn’t managed to pass even the foundation year in 2 attempts, she quite clearly can’t cope with it and they wouldn’t be helping her if they were pushed to offer another chance.

I think it would be counterproductive to talk to the university if she couldn’t complete one year’s worth of modules over two years - no criticism whatsoever as it’s very hard at 18 to motivate yourself and knuckle down and be independent - but clearly this is not something she is able to achieve for whatever reason and university has overwhelmed her.

I would encourage her to spend some time at home figuring out a 3 year plan and then help get her on the pathway to making that happen and opening up career options in other ways.

Or alternatively could she enrol at a university where she lives at home and you’re able to give her a nudge to go in/work on assignments?

Without more background, it feels as if she will need a big hug and support. What does she want to do? Stay in the uni town and find a job, or come home and work out what to do next?

This happened to one of my DS housemates. Exact same timeline. He has just told his parents he failed the first year twice, so has not actually been enrolled this current academic year. I’m not sure what went wrong, but we are all glad he has finally told them. I think he plans to stay in the university city and try and get a job. No advice, but I just wanted you to know that your daughter is not alone.

I apologise in advance, but I'm taking one for the team here.

Has something traumatised her? A rape?

Taking one for what team? What strange thing to ask.

Was she perhaps too embarrassed to explain what had happened?

either way living away for uni hasn’t worked out

she needs cups of tea and hugs and lots of decent food for now. Hopefully in time she will explain what happened and you can work out next steps. Perhaps a local job is the best course of action.

Oh your poor DD but being totally honest, if she can't get through a degree Foundation course then it definitely isn't for her...There are so many other options to Uni, an apprenticeship maybe?

Why did she go in first place? Uni is such a big commitment in terms of debt.

My son was A grades all the way in sixth form. Went to uni, first year good and then a slow slip to quitting in year three. He just had no self motivation and plenty of procrastination. He was not a party animal and I believe he stayed in his shared rental most of the time. I wouldn't have dreamed of making him go back. Such a shame he couldn't push himself to get the degree that would have given him a better future but he's happy and that's all we can ask.

University doesn’t seem to be for her, I’d be asking myself why she felt she had to hide this from you, how miserable and stressed must she have been.
Get her home and well and see what’s she wants , don’t interfere and contact the uni, it’s really nothing to do with them now.
Support your daughter.

You don't know what experiences she has had. There could be trauma. Just let her heal and don't put any pressure on her. Food, rest and a place where she can just be herself is probably all she needs right now.

Some walks in the fresh air, cooking, gardening, some kind of hobby will all help. She is young, she has her whole life ahead of her.

Oh, your poor daughter. My heart breaks a little for her, too, just reading this. She’s so lucky to have you and I’m so glad you’re finally able to help her. Things can feel incredibly hard at university if it all goes wrong.

I hope it was ‘simply’ not coping with the work, rather than anything more? No doubt she’ll eventually share it all with you.

For the moment, feed her up. I’m sure you’ll be gentle - she must be feeling impossibly fragile right now. Give her a little time to gather herself.

But yes, as pp have said, this happens to so many undergraduates. Please assure her it’s not the end of the world. She’ll find a new path.

What on earth is this?

Why would she feel the need to hide this from you?

Agree with every word of this
For a while just give her time and support.

I agree.

It wasn’t for her. Let her recover at home and then she can think about what she wants to do. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but is a shock when it happens (a good friend’s DC did the same for 2 years unbeknown to her). She did go back but failed the year and then left. She’s now got a good job and is happy.

In fairness, I and several other people I know fell apart at uni for that reason. It happens far more often than we would like to believe.

She didn’t manage to complete her work two years in a row so it clearly isn’t the right place for her at least not at this time.

I think now you just need support her in being mentally in the right place and deciding what she want to do now and how to get there.

I get why you are concerned but now you know you can help her come through it and get on a good path.

FWIW I left after a term on my first attempt but went back to a different university under my own steam 8 years later. I was either in the wrong place or just not ready. There are other careers that don't involve university. It's a shame she felt she had to hide what was happening though.

I could have worded it better, I dont disagree with you i think it was the first bit that confused me

What was she studying/ what does she want to do career wise?

Uni isn't for everyone, and that's ok, there are many routes to sucessful career, and for now it's helping her know that this is a temporary set back rather than the end of the world, and getting her back into a good place physically and emotionally

Has she come out with debt?

If she were mine I’d be extremely cross that she was wasting yet more money on rent just to pretend to be at university but I would also be more concerned as to why she couldn’t tell me she failed both years and that she’d rather live with no money, getting very thin than be honest me. I’d feel I’d let her down and made my daughter too afraid of disappointing me.

Was she pushed into university, your wish for her rather than hers?

This is going to sound harsh by why on earth did you not talk her out of going to uni in the first place when she didn’t have the required grades in the fist place and then again allow her to go back having failed the first year. It’s just set her up to fail?