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Original poster

Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

514 replies

UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 19:22

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Gordonaire · 05/03/2026 21:55

Get her a therapist. I bet she has an eating disorder. Be very careful and look after yourself

Original poster
UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 21:57

Gordonaire · 05/03/2026 21:55

Get her a therapist. I bet she has an eating disorder. Be very careful and look after yourself

Edited

Thanks.
She doesn't.

OP posts:
Papster · 05/03/2026 21:59

What does she really enjoy doing?

I have friend with a daughter in the same boat. She’s working in a hotel and just loving the teamwork and camaraderie.

Going back some years I know someone with few qualifications but a love for animals who joined the rspca.

Too many people go to university, don’t especially like it, come out with a mediocre degree and a huge debt.

Theres a lot of money in trades for women as the new mp for Gorton shows.

but ffs don’t let or worse make her feel she ought to go back.

Happyjoe · 05/03/2026 22:00

Aww, bless her, I wonder why she couldn't tell you. I am glad you found out and brought her home. Nothing beats being home when times are tough! Glad she's being hugged and fed :-)

I'd give her a little while to decompress then see if she will open up. No pressure though as I wonder if something happened to taint her uni experience or that she felt like she was letting folk down. Sometimes just uni life isn't for people at all, nothing wrong with that. Then see what she fancies doing going forward.

She may be better working for a few years and perhaps deciding later if wants to go back into education with a career goal in mind and a bit older and wiser. Sometimes they allow 'mature' students in without the grades. I went aged 23, no grades and classed as mature, ha.

TeamGeriatric · 05/03/2026 22:00

This was one of my friends during my time at uni 30 years ago. They didn't hide it from their parents in this way, but in the time the rest of us did our degrees they started 3 courses in 3 years and didn't get anywhere close to finishing more than a semester of any of them. Left the city where we were studying when we all left, obviously without any further qualifications, and worked for a parent for a bit. Thirty years on doing well in life, running a business, no degree required. It happens a lot I am sure.

BlahBlah2025 · 05/03/2026 22:01

OP with all kindness you didn't know she had dropped out of uni. You couldn't possibly know yet if she has an eating disorder then could you? It's common with ND. I hope you are able to talk to her soon and help her in the way she needs to fulfill her full potential, whatever and wherever that may be.

ND students often need a couple of years out before starting uni to grow up a bit. She may just need longer to get to where she needs to be to live independently successfully. Good luck.

converseandjeans · 05/03/2026 22:01

It sounds like she has always breezed through academic work & now it’s harder she perhaps can’t get away with it & is struggling to accept that. She just needs to come home & make a sensible plan. Get a part time job & look for some better jobs while she gets her mojo back. Uni isn’t for everyone & there’s no shame in that. It might be the lack of structure which she struggles with.

AlwaysRightISwear · 05/03/2026 22:02

Honestly OP, from what you say she's been struggling academically since A levels. You need to let go of the university route for her and help her find another path in life. It isn't for everyone.

Original poster
UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 22:06

tirednessbecomesme · 05/03/2026 19:48

This is going to sound harsh by why on earth did you not talk her out of going to uni in the first place when she didn’t have the required grades in the fist place and then again allow her to go back having failed the first year. It’s just set her up to fail?

She had good grades to go to university, just not the course she wanted. This wasn't clear in my first post, i think.

I am not sure i understand what you mean by 'allowing her to go back after she failed the first ywar'. I have said, I only found out this week.

OP posts:
AlexisP90 · 05/03/2026 22:09

SecretSwirrel · 05/03/2026 19:35

Oh your poor DD but being totally honest, if she can't get through a degree Foundation course then it definitely isn't for her...There are so many other options to Uni, an apprenticeship maybe?

Why did she go in first place? Uni is such a big commitment in terms of debt.

So sorry to hear this. Its so sad she felt she needed to lie. You sound like a wonderfully supportive parent.

I echo this. Uni isnt for everyone but its really not the end. I got into a uni and had a huge panic attack before going. Dropped out before starting.

I got a data entry job, went to college to study finance and im now a finance director.

Honestly it was the best thing that ever happend to me. Working full time and studying was tough but I found it so much better than the thought of uni. I was relaxed, happy and it worked out extremely well for me.

People learn differently and university just isnt the right environment for some people. It doesnt mean you arent clever - it just means a different way of learning is right for you.

Eleph42 · 05/03/2026 22:12

UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 21:51

Thank-you for all the replies.
I am still going through them all but will try to answer a few questions. Apologies for not tagging people directly.

This may be long.
DD has always been very bright. Top of her class through primary and secondary schools. In sixth form, her school strongly encourages 3 A levels only, they are not keen on 4 A levels but she was one of the only two students they 'allowed' to do 4 A levels. Her predicted grades were A* straight.

She had her mind set on uni and there was no reason to discourage her.
She didn't get the grades for direct entry to the first year for her course but she got good grades for other courses in that university or other universities.
She wanted what she wanted and the university offered her foundation year, she accepted.

I am not exactly sure why she didn't share what was happening. Maybe pride. Maybe embarrassment. I don't know.
I have wondered about depression, any traumatic event or substance misuse. I have searched through the last two years with a fine toothcomb but she has remained the same - cheerful, chatty, funny. I can think of anything and I am sure there is no substance misuse.

I have wondered about ASD which I have suspected, only because it runs in our extended family and my younger DC is diagnosed on the spectrum. Kicking myself now for not looking deeper into that for her. She has always been the capable one, a hardworker academically and at home. Never lacking in initiative. A great organiser.

I feel so much time has passed between her being dropped from uni and I didn't want to miss any other opportunity that may still be open to her just in case when things are clearer, she decides she wants to explore those options. Hence, my wanting to get advice about approaching the university.

For now, I am very glad she is home. Me and her siblings and Aunties are all just showering her with love AND food! She's such a lovely girl. She doesn't seem to be upset though and I am not sure what's she is thinking. I can tell there's some relief but other than that... i don't know. And i can not ask her now. I just want her to settle in and recover.

I will continue reading the rest of the posts.

Edited

No advice but just to say you I think are handling this the best way and she is lucky to have a mum like you who just wants to make sure she is ok. Uni clearly not for her so when she feels up to it I would explore other options with her. She does sound like she may be slightly depressed but hopefully with a change of scenery she’ll get better. I felt depressed in uni didn’t tell anyone how I felt and failed a lot with a lot of resits - it was miserable… ended up finishing my degree but only with a pass rather than honours, I was so disappointed and thought I’d never get a decent job. Went into full time work straight after and absolutely thrived and wished I’d pulled out of uni sooner. Some people just aren’t made for uni x

PollyBell · 05/03/2026 22:12

UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 22:06

She had good grades to go to university, just not the course she wanted. This wasn't clear in my first post, i think.

I am not sure i understand what you mean by 'allowing her to go back after she failed the first ywar'. I have said, I only found out this week.

Show quote history

But did she go to uni because she wanted to and she knew what was expected and was willing to put the work in or did dhe go because she felt pressured into it?

Booboobagins · 05/03/2026 22:12

Hi @UniversityProblems
Your DD didn't want to disappoint you or admit it wasn't for her. You sound like you're a good parent, so give her support. Tell her it's not for everyone and help her decide what to do. Don't blame or criticise her for what's happened, she's clearly blaming herself already.

I went to uni, but if I was leaving school now, I honestly wouldn't bother. If I had my time over, I didn't have A levels, I'd join an apprenticeship programme, then if I wanted to do a degree, find a degree apprenticeship.

There is so much pressure on our kids to go to uni these days, it's sad. Neither of my kids went to uni, both very bright, but neither wanted to and honestly, I'm glad.

Loloblue · 05/03/2026 22:15

She might be able to get some kind of exit award/diploma. Worth asking the uni. Poor thing, good she's home. She'll find something else x

TheSquareMile · 05/03/2026 22:16

Which subject has she been studying, OP and which career was she hoping to pursue when she selected her course?

PatsFishTank · 05/03/2026 22:16

Just because someone is bright or does well at school it doesn't mean uni is the right thing for them.

This happened to DH who dropped out in his third year but didn't tell his parents and to the son of a friend who is smart but dropped out recently and stayed in his uni city where he got a job. There will be other options for her.

Janblues28 · 05/03/2026 22:18

@UniversityProblems your DD doesn't sound a million miles away from me when I was her age. I was a straight A student in school, 11A* at GCSE - didn't really revise either, but when it came to A Level I thought I didn't need to revise as I hadn't had to for GCSE so I came out with an A,B and C. Not terrible but I was predicted As. I went to uni and went out all the time, almost failed the first year and just scraped through. I was and still am terrible with deadlines and I just wasn't motivated. I did however manage to turn it round and end up with a first but I really struggled mentally and socially. My son was diagnosed with ASD at 3 and I suspect I have it too. I studied a creative design course and was very fixated on details and things being perfect that I ran out of time and missed deadlines and I found the social side of it overwhelming. I also suffered with depression and an eating disorder (think that was a control thing) but I suppose my thoughts on this are that you should just make home a safe space for your daughter until she's ready to talk. This happens to lots of people and doesn't set the path for the rest of her life. There is no good or bad decision, just own the decision you make. Some of my most successful friends are ones that didn't go to uni. Some of the least successful ones are ones that went to uni but didn't find jobs after or drifted into a career they didn't want. I also did a stint at home after uni and hated it and it gave me the motivation to apply for jobs and move away. When your daughter is ready to talk try to work out what happened and help her take her next steps.

Aluna · 05/03/2026 22:19

UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 22:06

She had good grades to go to university, just not the course she wanted. This wasn't clear in my first post, i think.

I am not sure i understand what you mean by 'allowing her to go back after she failed the first ywar'. I have said, I only found out this week.

Show quote history

You sound like you’re looking after very well.

What were her actual grades in the end?

Sounds like she needs a year out and some therapy to figure out what’s going on.

Original poster
UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 22:22

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 05/03/2026 20:19

I have been that kid. Right now she is deeply ashamed and also a bit relieved that she has to stop lying. She needs to know that you love her. She is uncomfortable and worried about what you will say about her to wider family and friends. She also really needs a sense of purpose and a chance to feel she is redeeming herself. Any job would help. Even volunteering in a charity shop. Making a commitment and sticking to it will help a bit. Tell her you are not ashamed of her.

Thank-you.
Her Aunties know. Haven't told her cousins yet.
DD is not talking about it, so don't feel comfortable telling more wider family till I know what she's thinking.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2026 22:24

It sounds as if you’re doing everything you need to do for your dd. As long as she’s eating healthily and eating well, that’s all that matters. Everything else can wait. I would look at getting her some therapy if you think it could help and she’s willing and able to attend. It could help her to decompress.

Original poster
UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 22:27

Soontobesingles · 05/03/2026 20:26

I’m a course leader at a London university with 20 years uni teaching experience. It’s not totally clear from your timeline when she was withdrawn. A lot depends on what has actually happened here and on what grounds she has been withdrawn. If she has failed the course, she will not be permitted to do it again or renter and have another try (again depending on what has happened and when you could have a case for complaint or appeal) - but she could apply to a different course and start again. If I were you the first thing is obviously sorting her health - the uni will want any action to come from her rather than you.

Show quote history

Yes, I suspect they will want any action to be from her.
I do not know what has happened or how it happened. All i know is that since September, she hasn't been a student at the University.
I appreciate your post, thank-you.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 05/03/2026 22:29

What sort of work is she interested in? Are there likely to be vacancies in that area? If not some sort of work, anything that pays should be good for her self esteem and independence.

Original poster
UniversityProblems · 05/03/2026 22:30

Beaniebabe1 · 05/03/2026 20:30

I am in similar situation with my son. Found out a couple of weeks ago he had not submitted any assignments or been to any lectures in his first semester. We found out as he had a complete breakdown and it all came out. He says he wants to resit but honestly I’m hoping he decides uni is not for him and decides to leave and find another path. Maybe in in a few years he’ll go?

I hope it all works out.

It is quite a shock isn't it.

I never suspected a thing. She was the same as always- lively, chatty, funny, caring. Always very positive, happy to be home in the holidays and eager to go back to uni when it resumes.
I had no clue. Absolutely no clue.

OP posts:
Mum18282 · 05/03/2026 22:31

I was this child too. I got good grades, got into a prestigious degree course, and I completely fell apart and failed out. I thought I was burned out at the time but actually I think I had been masking throughout school. I was too ashamed to tell anyone I was struggling until it was too late, and even then I kept up the pretence to my parents. Still can’t talk to them about it to this day.

Are you an Asian or East Asian family by any chance? (I am.) I think the shame of failing exams and uni feels much greater because of the great expectation to do well and to be seen to do well.

TheSquareMile · 05/03/2026 22:34

What will happen re her accommodation, OP? Will it perhaps be possible to let the room to another student for the summer term?