Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

D20 went to Uni Sept 2023. ...In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

How has she managed for money, given her loans must have stopped long ago?

It sounds like she was out of her depth. A friend of DS did this, he managed as long as his flatmates were covering his costs, his parents had no idea.

Honestly it’s good that you now know, just give her some breathing space, support her, forget about uni. When she’s ready she should look at temping with a view to getting a full time job.

DS’s friend is in a good job, lovely girlfriend, life back on track. Never finished uni.

Do you think there could be drink and drugs involved? I know no one on mumsnet has ever done drugs but the weight loss and the lying made me think it could be that. I knew a few people who flunked out of uni because of partying too hard. There’s a lot of drugs at uni, and for some people it can get out of hand really quickly and it can be really hard to get help or talk to an adult because so many people are doing it, sometimes you just don’t realise you have a problem until it’s too late.

Maybe not right now, but at some point you should have an open minded conversation with her with the goal of offering help if needed. If it is drugs spare her the lecture and get her help.

Given she didn't have the A levels for the subject and failed foundation year twice, I'd says that the chosen subject isn't for her. Possibly university isn't for her either, but there'd no shame in that, it's not for everyone. And it's easy to go just because that's what everyone seems to do now. Or maybe she'll return at a different time - my DH dropped out of his first degree as it wasn't the right time or subject. He got two degrees through the OU 10 years later.

Given the weight loss though, is it possible she has an eating disorder? (although I lose weight when I'm just stressed and used to HATE being asked that).

I'd probably encourage her to get a job and in the meantime take the fresh air/gardening/try new things things route.

My daughter did this. Then stopped being in contact with us for over a year. Blamed us fir not funding her enough. It broke me. Clever child. Great grades. Reality was she couldn't cope, not with the work but the loneliness, money situ she had made and also she was too young to cope with living alone.

But a rh uni isnt all its cracked up to be and they didn't care for my precious child even though all the literature said they would. Taken years to reconnect and literally broke me.

I was your DD when I went to Uni. I repeated my first year and just couldn’t cope with it so left but didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. My parents only found out when the uni called them 6 months later to do a welfare check.

It was painful at the time and I felt like I’d let everyone down but my parents were great. They made it clear they were upset that I didn’t feel able to tell them but never once pushed me as to why I’d left and waited for me to open up.

Bringing her home and making her feel loved is the most important thing.

I ended up working for top 50 company as a secretary and worked my way up to EA to the global CEO so there are options out there that don’t need a degree.

Now I’m older I’ve left the corporate world and retrained in a different field where I’m also happy. I’m also doing an access course with the OU so I can get back into studying ready to do a degree in a subject I love. The difference is that this time it’s on my terms and not because I feel pressure.

YANBU @sittingonabeach, the OP needs to gently ask her DD about her finances in case she’s run up debt.

Uni clearly isn’t right for her at this time. Focus on getting her well and exploring other options.

Sorry, I'm going really off-topic here.

One thing that constantly surprises me is just how wide a range of expertise, knowledge and experience there is on MN.

And what totally diverse bits of information I've picked up along the way.

"How many MNetters understand how many levels of skill are available and certifiable in the welding trade?"

Certainly not me. Just doing a quick bit of googling after reading this, did open my eyes to just how many companies are offering apprenticeships in this area.

My immediate reaction was well done for ‘rescuing’ her in short order. It could have gone very differently if she had been left on her own. Time to reassure her that no one is angry with her for leaving university?

Happened to me and another girl in my dormitory. I dropped out for a year and a half until the fucker had graduated. The other girl went home and transferred to a local Uni where she could live at home.

One in four.

She may have been afraid of being perceived as a 'failure' by you, so tried to hide it to save face.

It sounds like an academic pathway isn't for her. There is nothing wrong with this.

I would say to look after her mental and physical health as a matter of priority (is there something else going on) and then explore other career options. There are good apprenticeships available where she could have on the job training.

Either there’s a strained relationship where she feels she can’t tell you or…
she has ADHD. Her inconsistency in studying combined with the lying suggest massive executive functioning issues

Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?

This should not be your first thought, uni is clearly not for her, maybe you, but not her.
Sound alike she was scared to upset you, forget uni, get her better and take the focus away from uni and failure.
Did she not come home at Xmas? if not how miserable for her.

I know someone who did this. She dropped out in 1st year, but pretended to still go for all 3 years. Her parents were funding her living expenses and she just had fun. They were so proud of her when she 'graduated' (and told her parents she got a first!).

She then went travelling through Asia and had a few jobs in Australia. She told me once she has the degree on her resume.

We lost touch after a few years, but her parents as far as I know never found out that she doesn't actually have a degree.

@BettyBohwhy jump to ND, education isn’t her path in life, doesn’t mean she is ND, big assumption.

My DSis successfully completed her first year at university but decided it wasn’t for her. DSis turned 18 during the February of her first year. She signed up to some temp agencies as she didn’t know what she wanted to do after leaving university. One of the companies the temp agency got her a job at (one of the city banks) were looking for permanent staff and she managed to secure one of the permanent jobs. After some time to reset at home would joining a temp agency be an option for your DD? Even if it doesn’t lead to a permanent job it may give your DD some other avenues to pursue.

I work in student services in a University, and while I mainly refer more specialist enquiries onwards, I will say this is so, so common. Happy to try to answer any queries, like if you did want to chat to Uni about returning etc, due to GDPR the student would need to provide written consent first.

But fundamentally as others have said, uni isn’t the answer here. Certainly for now, she just needs to be home and healing. Now is the breather until any kind of POA for the near future is considered.

Suggestion for OP to investigate. Not an assumption.

Yeah this happened to my friend. She was so bright and it just absolutely side swiped her. M.H dipped and 20 years later she's still not recovered. Never did finish uni.

Did the parents not want to go to her graduation? Want a graduation photo if she managed to persuade them not to go?

not entirely sure if it’s feasible to pull of a non existent graduation. My uni published lists in the paper, so no way you’d get away with it.

OP this is obviously very shocking and distressing for you. I work in a University so I can tell you the University will not share any details with you without her permission.

What do you mean they "let her go"? Did she fail? Your DD is an adult so the Uni will not be telling parents about this. Her academic options depend on her circumstances. If she hasn't even completed Year 1 of a BA then she probably won't have enough credit for an exit award. She may have been given academic advice before she left.
As pp have said, the bigger issue seems to be why she hasn't told you any of this. I agree with PP, just forget about making plans and try to figure out how to support your DD. Has she been assaulted? Has she developed an eating disorder? Hated uni and didn't want to tell you? Good luck

I flunked university. Nothing happened.
Just didn’t know how to manage myself.
I’d moved out of home & couldn’t cope.
I partied. Tried again. Failed again…
Do I regret it now? Sure. But it happened.
Went back to college when I was older.

I guess not. She was from a small town a few hundred miles from the university town and they were quite elderly/formal. I remember they visited once and she had to show then around 'her' university. We thought it was hilarious.

This was about 25 years ago so would have been easier to cover your tracks then.

Thank-you for all the replies.
I am still going through them all but will try to answer a few questions. Apologies for not tagging people directly.

This may be long.
DD has always been very bright. Top of her class through primary and secondary schools. In sixth form, her school strongly encourages 3 A levels only, they are not keen on 4 A levels but she was one of the only two students they 'allowed' to do 4 A levels. Her predicted grades were A* straight.

She had her mind set on uni and there was no reason to discourage her.
She didn't get the grades for direct entry to the first year for her course but she got good grades for other courses in that university or other universities.
She wanted what she wanted and the university offered her foundation year, she accepted.

I am not exactly sure why she didn't share what was happening. Maybe pride. Maybe embarrassment. I don't know.
I have wondered about depression, any traumatic event or substance misuse. I have searched through the last two years with a fine toothcomb but she has remained the same - cheerful, chatty, funny. I can think of anything and I am sure there is no substance misuse.

I have wondered about ASD which I have suspected, only because it runs in our extended family and my younger DC is diagnosed on the spectrum. Kicking myself now for not looking deeper into that for her. She has always been the capable one, a hardworker academically and at home. Never lacking in initiative. A great organiser.

I feel so much time has passed between her being dropped from uni and I didn't want to miss any other opportunity that may still be open to her just in case when things are clearer, she decides she wants to explore those options. Hence, my wanting to get advice about approaching the university.

For now, I am very glad she is home. Me and her siblings and Aunties are all just showering her with love AND food! She's such a lovely girl. She doesn't seem to be upset though and I am not sure what's she is thinking. I can tell there's some relief but other than that... i don't know. And i can not ask her now. I just want her to settle in and recover.

I will continue reading the rest of the posts.

I would just be very supportive as she probably feels embarrassed and I'm sure worried that she let you down. The system appears to have let her down from the start and set her up to fail. She didn't get the marks initially, seemingly by some margin so at that stage other options may have been better suited but I wonder if these institutions chase the money and try to find a way such as via foundation courses. I'm sure she will thrive and be much happier when on a different track such as something vocational or even an apprenticeship. With your support she will come out of this stronger and better able to find her groove. I wish her every future happiness.