Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

My parents friends went through similar, they are both doctors. Two of their children were academic but one wasn't. They spent lots of money on private education, and it was a natural expectation their not academic son would go to uni. He dropped out in the first term, and never told them. They eventually found he was working as a forklift truck driver in a warehouse, and pocketing the money they were sending him as well. I think they had unrealistic expectations. Not everyone is cut out for uni. He eventually qualified as a plumber and is married to a hairdresser, and they are proud of him. They'll admit they were in the wrong to push him to uni.

Pride . Fear of being seen as a failure which she is not . Uni isn’t for everyone. In my youth I was an art and design student. Halfway through I knew I was wasting my time as I didn’t have the talent and it was clear to me that only a handful of students were going to get anywhere. It was for the reasons given at the start of my post that kept me there .

This happened to my house mate at uni and he couldn't face telling his parents either. He actually stayed in our shared flat for the whole 4 years getting pocket money payments from his parents to live off who thought he was studying hard. Eventually he got a part time job and is now the manager and is much more suited to that. Similarly my boyfriend at the time dropped out in second year and worked instead but still lived in our student flat. It's much more common than you hear about. She'll have still learnt a lot about herself from the experience, there's a lot you get from trying uni out and living away from home even if it doesn't work out. Even if it does a degree doesn't always help you find the right career for you, mine didn't. Just support her to find her next step, there's so many different choices, I wouldn't dwell on why didn't tell you, we all find our pride can get in the way of seeking help sometimes, just being there for her now is enough.

Maybe no comfort however this scenario is more common than you think. I can understand how worried you must be.

She's not interested in uni. It's not her thing. She can try an apprenticeship.

Almost 30 years ago, a colleague's son did something similar - had left the university or been asked to leave I can't remember which, but either way, he didn't tell his parents and just went back in the September as though nothing had happened. I remember my colleague's ashen face when he told me he was driving up to Birmingham to go and fetch him that weekend.

I really feel for your dd OP. She must have felt to ashamed to say anything.

But there are other paths - university is not the be all and end all. Get her home, get her healthy again, and go and see a careers advisor.

What’s done is done. It clearly went wrong for whatever reason, whether it was just too much academically, she didn’t put the work in or she experienced some kind of trauma. Give her time at home and make it clear that she can talk to you at any time, without any pressure. Give her time and space to heal and then she can start looking forward to the future.

Well done for bringing her home.

I would be very gentle. I would also get her therapy ASAP.

Tred carefully OP don't push her just surround her with love for the time being.
When she's a bit stronger simply state that your always here when she wants a chat that you love her regardless and your there to support her.

She sounds like she in quite a fragile state currently.
When she's a bit stronger gently go over options with her, apprenticeships are a good route into things. University is not always the right fit it doesn't mean that's life over although it may feel like it to her (hence she probably hid it).

If she can't pass a foundation year then there's no point flogging it. Modern apprenticeships are a great option but she needs to be much stronger before starting to look into it.

How has she coped with no student loan? Have you been paying her an allowance?

As she is no longer a student council tax will be due on her accommodation

You mentioned weight loss could she be anorexic?

Oh give over on council tax it sounds like her DD is currently very vulnerable! Like council tax is important in this situation!

I wouldn’t keep trying at the same thing. She can go back to the university path later if she wants. Right now she needs a win. She needs to go out and find something she can do successfully. That might be a training program. It might just be getting a job and feeling the satisfaction of earning a paycheck.

I failed uni the first time. Clever child who never had to learn how to study and all of a sudden I skipped a few lectures then couldnt catch up and sat exams I knew I was never going to pass. My initial way of dealing with it was also to lie about it but I eventually came clean. Got a job in my uni city and parents havent paid a penny towards me since then. Have subsequently put myself through uni as a married adult and doing not bad for myself.

Uni isnt for everyone, and uni at 17/18 definitely isnt for everyone. As hard as it is (as I now have teens and hate when they lie to me) shes probably not in a good place rn and it would be best not to be angry at this time. Having been there I lied because my parents reaction was worse than the embarrassment and shame of failing and our relationship is challenging at best.

University don’t let you continue if you keep failing to complete modules, pass exams. Usually get one more chance to retake something but that is it

Hi OP

We have been through something similar. It's such a shock when you've had no idea.

I wouldn't try to make any decisions now or encourage DD to, including about whether uni is for her in the longer term. It's far too early to do that, you don't yet know what has gone on.

Focus on getting her well- good food to get her weight up, time outside etc, and do some enjoyable things together- this sort of thing feels like the end of the world when you are young and it will help her to feel that actually life carries on. Make sure she understands that you are not angry. Gradually talk to her about what's been going on and see whether she can tell you what she thinks went wrong. It's not necessarily that it was a poor fit academically (this was our experience- very academic DC with great results at school but who couldn't manage with the unstructured uni environment). Once she is well and more herself you can start piecing it all together and working out next steps but you don't need to rush. It can feel as if everything is very urgent and as if she must decide quickly or be left behind but in fact that's not true at all- plenty of people take a few years to find their feet or have a false start or two.

She might find it helpful to talk to the GP to rule out any mental health concerns. The whole experience will have been hard for her, including keeping up appearances with you, and that can be tough on mental health.

Some practical things- is she still registered as a student in any sense and liable for any fees? What about her rent obligations- was she in student or private accommodation? Our experience was that the university was really great about the money side of things once we showed them a letter from the GP which mentioned stress.

@Scottishskifun just giving the OP heads up that she might have a bill coming her way

First post nails it,

Uni is not the be all and end all. She clearly has far larger issues than "Why did the Uni drop her?" especially when the answer to that is blindingly obvious.

First step.....help her get healthy, physically and mentally.

Second.... find out why she felt she couldnt tell you (clue: your reaction is very telling that you have put an awful lot of importance on Uni over her wellbeing).

Third ...... help her find another path

Fourth ..... butt the hell out of her life.

This happened to me. I wasn’t mature enough to get myself to classes etc and self directed study. I couldn’t get my priorities right and spent what little money I had on going out. I repeated a year and then failed that. Felt terrible hiding it from my parents and let’s just say they were not as kind as you have been when they found out. I felt like a total failure. But I worked for a couple of years which I loved. I went travelling and then once I’d matured a bit I decided to return to university (self funded) and have excelled in my chosen career. It will be bumpy for a bit, but everyone develops a different ages and sounds like it’s just not the right time. I hope your daughter is ok, she’s going to need a lot of love and support just now.

‘What can I do to help her?’

I think you first need to work out how this all happened.

Did she beg and beg you to go despite not having the grades? If so, then she’s probably embarrassed and I would be full on supporting her telling her you’ll always love her etc.

or did you want her to go and turned a blind5 eye to the fact that at the moment, uni was never going to be the right place for her. There was 3 years of clues. If it’s this one, then first off you owe her a massive apology then support as above.

or has she actually just been super naughty and you’ve been funding her to doss about for 5 years?

there’s no point talking to the uni. This level of academics very clearly isn’t available to her at the moment.

It might not be important compared to her mental health but they will want paying so worth knowing to expect a bill.

Hope your daughter finds a better suited path for her. Uni is not the be all or end all.

I have known this happen with two friends kids. On one occasion he told them a couple of months before his graduation ceremony that he had not graduated as they had thought and had dropped out of Uni. I think it was some kind of MH crisis. He later went on to re-do the third years successfully.
Another friend's son ( again mh ) just wasn't attending and they only found out when his student loan stopped being paid. They had access to the loan as he was struggling to budget, so they would release it to him gradually. I expect it is far more common than you think. I am concerned my own dd will drop out. Her mental health is poor and the course is intense.

I went to uni straight from school and was sooo not ready for it. I was miserable, did no work, went to no lectures, made no friends and just stayed in my room on my own. Failed my first year exams, of course.

I went back to uni 9 years later and did fine.

My dad never let up on criticising me for dropping out; he brought it up every time he saw me until he died. Make sure your DD is certain that you love her as she is, with no judgement

There really is no disgrace in trying university level study and learning that you aren't cut out for it or interested enough. There's a heap of self-respect in facing up to that knowledge and finding another route.

We were talking about military unpreparedness tonight. It's close to DH's business so we take an interest. The navy can't find the skilled welders it needs.

How many MNetters understand how many levels of skill are available and certifiable in the welding trade? There are levels all the way up to advanced nuclear.. and someone qualified to that level can essentially name their price. Think several thousand pounds per day.

Tower crane operators are paid high hundreds/low thousands of pounds per day. No AI bot is going to replace their skills and judgement anytime soon.

My own DS said he didn't want to go to uni and applied to college instead and he's doing great.