Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Thank-you.
The way we have all rallied round her, I know she will never hide any problems again. She is genuinely a good egg.

This is so heartening to read, OP. Being a safe environment for her will help her to get back on the horse - the fact she's discussing the future again is such a wonderful sign.

All the best to your daughter, OP!

Be kind to yourself, also. I have a DD who was very high achieving and dissolved in secondary school, so has had to take an alternative path. I found that adjustment came in waves. It's a really strange time when there is a sudden change like this.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?

This is meant kindly, but she clearly should never have been there in the first place. The goal posts were moved to get her in when she didn't get strong enough grades, and I'm going to guess the grade requirements were not that high to start with. She failed her first year which is the easiest one to pass. The goal posts were moved again and she failed her repeated year too. It's not that she just failed her modules, she didn't even manage to complete them.

There is zero point in talking to the university. She isn't up to it. Allow her to just accept that and move on. It sounds like the weight of expecation and the fear of disappointing you has led to her lying about this for a really long time. She must be feeling really shit about herself.

Bring her home, shower her with love, help her start again in something she might actually stand a chance with.

There seems quite a jump from her predicted grades of all A*, to her actual grades (A,B,C ?) which suggests that she was struggling in some way in the upper sixth.
University can be such a big shift, maybe she just did that thing of not going to a lecture, falling behind in small increments until it seems insurmountable to sort out. I think this is really common at 19, I did much the same. My dd and most of my friend’s children all had a wobble at some point while in university, mostly in the second year but some in the first. Your dd is very much not alone in getting derailed for a while, 19 seems a really hard year for so many people.
You are clearly very kind and supportive and she will get back onto a path that works better for her, whether it’s a small sideways step into a similar course, or a complete change, it will all make her more resilient going forward.
I would say the main thing to focus on seems to be good communication, that she learns from this that actual adulthood is a gradual process rather than a line drawn the day one turns 18, and that knowing when you do need help, support and advice is really important. It’s not good to try and soldier on alone (this was my own mistake, and I had lovely parents I could have turned to, I just felt I should be ‘grown up’).
Wishing her all the best OP.

clearly university isn’t for her, but it you that wants her to have a degree! In foundation degrees they generally give students 2 chances to pass each module! I’d suggest looking at apprenticeships which will give her a good qualification. many apprenticeships offer day release to university if that’s what she wants not what you want. She’ll earn and salary and her employer will cover her tuition fees. It’s very competitive so depending on her A level results, it maybe worth her resisting the subjects she didn’t do so well in! But temper it has to be what she wants.

@UniversityProblems nothing to add among all the excellent advice/input you’ve had on here but just to say what a wonderful mother you are. You come across as such a lovely, kind, compassionate and intelligent person who has handled the less than empathetic replies with such dignity and grace. I have a niece with a diagnosis of autism, highly capable but she found fitting into school difficult and the masking required exhausting. She is now forging her own fulfilling path ahead but has needed lots of headspace and time to achieve this and not necessarily along the timeline society expects, but who cares !! Best of luck to your DD.

University is not for everyone and nor should it be, plenty of people have successfully life's without it.

That is not to say University is over for her tho, not everyone it capable at 18/19/20 some people are just too young, especially in todays world.

I went to University in my 30's but I dont think I would have succeed as a youth. She was probably embarrassed to tell you sooner. No-one wants to disappoint or feel like a failure. You sound like a loving parent, use just now to build her up and open back up the channels of communication.

Learning is life long, this is not the end of her journey!

I haven't read all this thread, but just wanted to say what a lovely supportive mum you are.

There is lots of talk about how many YP are getting firsts at university, but very little talk of people failing. DS went to a grammar school and ended up repeating a year at university after losing his best friend in a sporting accident. It took him the year to open up about his struggles. He retook the year, got a good degree and working in his chosen industry.

Two of his friends from his grammar school, both with good A levels, failed their degrees. Both retook the year and failed again. One went into the military, the other has got on a degree apprenticeship in social policy (so is working whilst getting a degree). They have banked the credits (280) from their original qualification (History and Economics) and will have 10 years to top it up to a full degree by retaking modules with the OU. So they probably will end up with 2 degrees.

Things will work out in the end. Often people take the scenic route in life.

https://www.ucas.com/explore/search/apprenticeships?query=
This is where he found the social policy degree apprenticeship.

@UniversityProblems

Which subject was she reading, OP?

There may be options for further academic development which she can do over the next few years which don't require attendance at a University while still enhancing her knowledge of her subject.

She was unable to complete all the modules. The fact that she completed some to a high level shows she’s able. For whatever reason, she is unable to apply herself to all the modules necessary. I think working a fulltime job for a while would help refocus her and give her a better understanding of self management.
That might be simplistic but some things are that simple.

This is really true. I sailed through gcse and a level with all top grades with only a very moderate level of effort. And was fastest in Athletics, captain of netball team etc. I was that annoying child 🤣

So when I went to uni, I expected to sail through with that similar level of effort. And failed my first term exams and got a warning that if I failed the following term I may lose my place on a very coveted course. This concept of failure was completely new to me, at 18 I was convinced they had marked the test wrong, as how could I, the 'golden child' fail! Which sounds like arrogance, also I actually really lacked confidence and hid behind my academic achievements as a kind of mental prop - and if I lost that, who even was I. So I knuckled down and did ok in the end, but it was a huge shock to the system, and looking back I think it was mainly fear of admitting my failure to my mum which stopping me from quitting the course, and the stress made me very ill - I collapsed on my first ward placement at the end of the first year, I think through stress and exhaustion.

I'm so glad your daughter could confide in you and reach out for your help, and hope she is doing better now x

Do you think you were one of those children who excelled at school because of constant hovering and micromanagement from your parents and the moment you were left to do everything independently, you simply didn't have the ability to structure your own time and workload? Or did you let rip and do a bit too much partying, after years of being the good two shoes at school?

I definitely wasn't micromanaged, my parents were supportive of my education and wanted me to have a much easier start than them, they both left school at 15. my mum had a rule of no tv until homework done, but apart from that they didn't really get involved. I structured my own revision planning, bought my revision books with money earnt from babysitting. And I was out at weekends until midnight/1pm from 16.

I think I had just got used to always being top of the class (of a failing comp), but I had never been properly stretched so didn't know the limit of my abilities. Failing wasn't in my vocabulary so when it hapenned it was a huge shock.