Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Your poor DD. She’s home now and safe which is what matters. I would let her decompress and just be there with food and support. She’ll likely explain what happened in time.

@Papyrophile
MN is obsessed with good schools and university, it’s as if their child’s wants or suitability doesn’t matter. Routine sneering and outrage at tradesmen being high earners, better that than unemployed with a degree.
People really need to get rid of the mindset than university is must have, so many other great careers out there. Also a trade takes 4/5 years to learn and often much more skilled than any degree.

Poor love. Ease off all pressure if you aren’t already doing. She sounds in a bad way. If she is in a depressed fug then she might need to go slow and feel
the unconditional love without expectations of her.

Next steps really need to be led by her. I know you are probably panicking and wanting a new plan for her but she might need to be rebuilding herself first before doing anything concrete.

Hugs to you. It must be devastating to see your lovely daughter like this.

Uni isn’t for everyone. My nephew failed his first year twice. He tried a year of The Open University and failed that. He had the brains but not the work ethic. He’s now working a minimum wage job while he works out what he wants to do with his life.
My friend has a son in his last year of uni. On course for a first, told his parents at Christmas he hates his course and is dropping out to get a job.
I work in a shop and the amount of graduates we employ because they can’t get a job related to their degree is frightening. All that debt and they can only get a minimum wage job.

I’m in my late thirties and I have two friends who did this. We all went to a state sixth form that got good (not stellar across the board, but in the top 200 or 300 state schools) results and there was just an underlying assumption that everyone would likely go to university, but without the support in choosing what to actually do (I didn’t have a single conversation with a teacher about what might suit me and there weren’t even any parents’ evenings). Neither of my parents were graduates. I did get through university, but I think in retrospect I definitely chose the wrong subject as it was very stressful and I didn’t really enjoy it at all! I think that this is one difficulty in the expansion of higher education - it’s bolted on to a system that used to provide society with its 10 per cent graduates to get particular almost guaranteed professional jobs. I wouldn’t argue that we should return to that, but I also don’t think that the support is really there to help students make good choices, or provide what is valuable to employers and parents often don’t have the information either.

Both my friends have happy lives now. I think that they might have worried that they were missing out if they didn’t go, but neither got a lot out of it (one has worked his way up in a job he had part time as a student at university, the other is doing something he could have done without a degree).

Don’t go hard on finding your DD something else, otherwise it may confirm any fears she might have that you are disappointed in her. She needs rest, food and unconditional love.

This is what my friend did with her son when he returned home. Food, rest for now.

He went onto a good career.

She's very fragile just now

Uni is not for everyone and imho most of the courses are not worth the paper they're written on apart from ones that allow you to qualify in a specific profession. Unis became businesses in the past 20-30 years - they're not what they used to be - a gateway to a good job for life with a nice standard of living.
Instead many students are severely in debt and often for Mickey Mouse courses which will never allow them to earn a decent living.

They will happily take in any student because they are paid whether or not the student completes the course. My son has international students in his course who have almost no English and no way of following a lecture but they pay a lot of money to the Unis and that's all that matters for a business.

Give her a big hug, lots of support and help her to find a job locally until she figures out what else she wants to do.

I'd forget any ideas of her going to university. She needs to feel safe at home for a while without any pressure until she decides what she wants to do next. Sounds to me that university was never the right path for her.

How much pressure was put on her to go to Uni, did she actually want to go?
University is not the be all and end all, help her find her path. At the moment she needs love and no pressure.

What a stupid question.

This is such a weird way of saying something that never needed to be said.

It’s clear the OP’s daughter is not suited for academics.

It’s very interesting that after saying your daughter failed A levels and then two years of foundation … that what is crossing your mind is speaking to the uni.

You sound nice so I think you don’t mean to - but I suspect you are giving your daughter vibes that uni is the way to go and it’s clearly not for her. It’s likely she does not want to disappoint you. Ask her if this is true.

Foundation years are for kids who did not do well in A levels and need that extra year - to fail two foundation years means this poor child is not suited to uni.

Reassure her it’s ok and you just want her to be happy and take her home to heal.

Poor kid, she must have been so scared about what to do. Well done for the loving way you have handled it all OP, especially when you are in shock yourself.

How did she afford her accommodation? Has she been working?

No one that I know of in my DD’s circle but I knew a few cases back when I was in uni. Even I changed degrees without telling anyone, I was that scared to disappoint my family.

2 cases ended in the worst way possible, another one eventually owned up to it with her parents and another one lucked out and became a housewife, as far as I know her parents never found out she doesn’t actually have a degree.

I think your best course of action is helping her figure out what she actually wants to do.

Also, it’s an absolute no to sending her back to that university or trying to dig deeper into her academic record. She has clearly been super unhappy there and people don’t suddenly thrive in those circumstances. Why would you want to send her back there? Protect her health. You need to let go and just support and accept. I know loads of successful people without degrees.

What is strange about an expression that basically says I’m going to say what we all might be thinking. Absolutely nothing strange about it.

I have been that kid. Right now she is deeply ashamed and also a bit relieved that she has to stop lying. She needs to know that you love her. She is uncomfortable and worried about what you will say about her to wider family and friends. She also really needs a sense of purpose and a chance to feel she is redeeming herself. Any job would help. Even volunteering in a charity shop. Making a commitment and sticking to it will help a bit. Tell her you are not ashamed of her.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?

For now just love her. Don’t push her to talk about it until she’s ready.
Don’t mention uni or alternatives. Just love her and let her know that you are there if she wants to talk.
University isn’t for everyone. Maybe it’s not the right path for your dd. Maybe it’s the wrong time. It’s okay. Be careful not to drive her away by trying to fix it.

Most of us need both practical and intellectual or academic qualifications to navigate life successfully. There's as much, and probably more, skill in operating a tower crane in an inner city as there is flying a passenger jet in and out of a leisure airport. Arguably, the crane operator can kill just as many people with a single error, and he doesn't have an autopilot back up.

On the contrary. It’s a good question and the op needs to have a proper think about any role she has played in this (she may not have done) to be able to work out how best to help her dd now.

I remember being 21, at uni, in a new city, not many friends and struggling.

I had to do a foundation year because I didn’t get the required A level grades to get straight on a BA course.

I struggled really bad. I was sick of education and essay writing and maths tests. (God knows how, but I ended up making it through 5 years and finally passing my degree with a 2:1).

But- uni is not for everyone. And that’s okay. In fact it’s absolutely fine!

Please tell your daughter that whatever she’s feeling right now, she is not a failure and that it’s not the end of the world. She can go back and apply for a uni degree (if she really wants to) at any stage in her life. Uni isn’t just for young people and college leavers. People of all ages do degrees.

It seems right now, she needs to be home and needs TLC. She needs to apply for a few jobs, wether it be retail, hospitality, entry level office work/ absolutely anything! She doesn’t need to have life “all figured out” yet (not many people do).

I actually think this is a good question. Not necessarily fair but has she experienced some trauma? The mos obvious explanation is she didn’t get on with uni but hopefully you will be able to sense if something is wrong. The dramatic weight loss is concerning.

There are loads of careers like this, that kids at age 17-18 just aren't aware of. And neither are their teacher advisors at school. IMO, the schools just want to get the box ticked for "destination after A-levels" for each student, and the easiest thing for hte is to recommend uni if the young person is academic enough.

Young people mature at different rates. Some are mature and driven at 18 and settle down to uni iimmediately. Other would be better off taking a year or two exploring options,getting work experience in different areas, mixing with older colleagues and talking to them about the different opportunities out there in that field. Even just deciding that something isn't for them after all is useful in deciding your path.

OP, just let her recover, rest, think and make a plan. And make sure she absolutely understands that you DON'T see her as having failed. This is more common than you think.

What I think is wrong is the way parental income is assessed for the maintenance loan, yet parents don't have any right to know if their child drops out of or is asked to leave university. It's wrong. I know they are classed as adult, but if that were really the case, the government would ensure the loan system TREATED them fully as an independent adult, and would not take parental income into account.

Happen to a son of a friend. It took a while for everyone to get over it (parents and lad). His parents were so hurt he hadn’t told them and angry that he hadn’t attended any lectures - hence getting booted. The lad was just broken and ashamed.

All good now he’s found a job and a way forward that suits him better.