Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

I know a couple of young people who have been in a similar situation.

One stopped going to lectures in her first year at uni, but didn't tell the family. They picked her up in the summer to find her thin and unkempt. They only found out that she had dropped out of uni when she didn't apply for her student loan in the summer. Took a year out, went back to a different uni, commuting from home where they could keep an eye on her.

The other, like yours, did well in some modules and just didn't do others at all! I can't quite fathom what he thought would happen with his degree.

Anyway, both are ASD.

OP, you are such a great mum! Great to see your daughter perk up!

Uni just isn’t for her so it’s time to get a job ☺️ she’ll be fine. She can always go back and study when she has a better idea about the direction of her life and maybe after she has a bit more discipline from having a full time job.

You sound like such a lovely mum and the love you have for your daughter is so evident here - I bet she feels that ❤️

That is a bit of a leap.

Hi.
Thank-you for your post last month when i had just found out. I appreciated you sharing your story. Bits of your post related to me personally. I really appreciated it.

I agree with this as well. Let her heal and let her know she has your full support.

then, in a while, maybe check out the open university for any courses she might be interested in. They are very supportive and as she is now an adult it would be minimal fees. That was the saviour of both my adult kids.

Hi OP, well done for handling it so well. The freeze mentality, or perhaps even wanting things to be perfect so struggling to start at all and the lack of self care does suggest ND.

it’s not a great experience, but it is a good time to have a not great experience and learn about yourself. Given the graduate jobs market, frankly even if she never graduated she wouldn’t lose much ground on many others. I completed university, ostensibly successfully, but at great personal cost to my mental health and self esteem - suspect I am also ND. I wish I’d had the opportunity to admit how much of a struggle it was and been helped to understand myself rather than burying it and pushing through - it just delayed the work I had to do on myself later.

Yeah what does that mean? You're mentioning rape so we don't have to?! She failed her courses twice. Not everything has to be about women being violated.

Not sure if this is helpful OP but I also think uni and expectations have changed. I went in the 90s when it was free and also all bright kids were going. It was expected.

That's changed now. Some schools really push for uni attendance at all costs but also there are alternatives which can also lead to a degree like apprenticeships and that's not a "bad" option or an option for less able kids at all.

Kids have also changed. Back in the 90s, I was fully independent from 17 and desperate to leave home from emotionally abusive parents. University was an escape to a safe haven not leaving one. Even when I ended up being the victim of an awful crime, I still didn't go home because home was so unsafe for me.

I think in a bizarre and loving way, we've created such comfort for our kids at home now that they're not always ready at 18 to leave and be out there, responsible for themselves as we might have been at that age. I'm not judging. My son is 15 and no different. I'm really unsure he'll be ready for uni.

Can I suggest best to talk about "leaving university " amd "changing direction ", rather than "dropping out"

Good luck. She's young. Difficult now, but Plenty of time to turn things round

I’m so glad your DD is much happier ❤️

Have to agree with this, although I don't blame the girl's mum/parents/the OP... I think it's high time that we, (as a society) stopped trying to make most young people/teens think they MUST go to university, and that they are some kind of failure if they don't, and that people who go to university are better than them!

My 2 went, and it was the making of them, they are 2 independent young adults with their own home and flourishing well-paid careers (both just past 30 now.) Left home at 18 and never came back, and both live 17-20-ish miles away But I know a number of young people who simply didn't settle at university, couldn't do the work, didn't make friends, and struggled to be independent. Some chose to not go.

My 2 are no better than these young people, just different. Some young people flourish and blossom if they start working in a shop or market stall or beauty salon or hairdresser, or if they train as a mechanic or some other kind of blue-collar work. Not everyone is cut out for university, OR to leave home at 18. I know we're classed as adults at 18, but it really is very young really...

Also, lots of people who went to university were sold a lie, and are now in eye-watering amounts of debt. Though I know the Government are trying to do a small fix on that, so they don't have to make such high payments from their wages, the amount of debt is still the same. Some owe nearly 6 figures, some owe more. My DC owe around £50K each. (went to uni at the same time. Just as the fees tripled!!! They are a year apart in age but the older one had a gap year.)

This push for everyone to go to university needs to stop, and more opportunties for training for new careers is needed along with more apprenticeships that DO give them a job at the end of the 2 years.

@UniversityProblems I am so sorry to hear your daughter is in a bad way at the moment. I hope things sort themselves out soon, and she will be OK. She's lucky to have you as a mum.

Just to add my daughter didn't finish year one but had her completed modules accepted by the open university (she has a foundation year in the same subject).
She's going back to a bricks and mortar uni in September. SEN but not ASD.
High achiever who was too hard on herself. I found her in her room too not eating.

As an aside she can tick the box for parent contact. It means any concerns will be flagged to you.

oh.

The Op said her dd really did want to do the course she enrolled for and completed some of her modules very successfully, she has a passion for it.

If she has ASD as is being 'suspected' / assumed now then it's not about discipline 😊it's about executive function and managing all the challenges that can come with ASD.

Your post reads as if Op's dd lacked discipline, which is a little simplistic.

As an aside I find it very interesting that on threads with mums who seem to genuinely and competently care for their dc and whose dc seem to be doing really well overall but have hit a bit of a difficult time in some aspect of their life, some posters love to subtly or not so subtly put the OP and their dc down.

It's very unpleasant especially when an OP shares a genuine problem but maybe they simply are not aware of it and think they are being helpful by 'Saying it as it is".

well, as awful as it was, it is good that it led you to getting a diagnosis for her, and with this she will be going forward in life with a greater understanding of herself and can make choices, and get the support she needs to do anything she wants to. I would also look into ADHD diagnosis too.

All the very best to you both x x

This happened to my eldest. He moved in with parents who lived 1hr away during year 2 which seemed a bit odd, as he was paying rent on a place. Then he pretended to go in year 3. I was suspicious when I visited as he wasn’t leaving anywhere near early enough if he really was going, and so it all came out. It was a tough time, but 10yrs on he’s got a career he enjoys, is doing ok for himself. I think he regrets not getting a degree and I do think maybe one day he will return as a mature student. But we will see.

My youngest has decided on a gap year before uni and I think that’s definitely the right thing for her.

This happened to my son too. Long story short but he's back home after a hideous time. It's really tough not being able to fix things as a parent. My son is still unemployed and getting vaguely better bit won't accept any help so it's difficult.

I wish he'd never gone to university. But hopefully onwards and upwards.

University isn't for everyone.

She's still young and has her whole life ahead of her. This is just a blip.

Give her a month or two to get her feet under herself again, and start thinking about next steps. I'm sure the whole story will come out in due course.

Hi OP to you and DD. I note you mentioned her ability at styling, even random charity shop clothing/accessories. I visit charity shops regularly wherever I am and one day saw the window of one particular charity shop that someone had "styled" and it was incredible. It did not look like a typical charity shop where random stuff is plonked in the window. I suddenly saw the difference between wearing clothing and styling clothing. Is this something your DD could look into, volunteering to visit charity shops to help them "style" their window displays? Just a thought.

@UniversityProblems What a lucky girl your DD is. I'm so glad that you found out that all was not well, but most of all that you have approached it with such a focus on her wellbeing. It's not uncommon for the wheels to come off the bus as young women with undiagnosed ASD get older.

You've taught your DD the biggest lesson of her life in these few months - keeping something to herself is the worst thing she can do, and you'll support her no matter how bad it gets. She will hold that lesson close for the rest of her life, I'm sure.

Just to say how much I appreciated this thread as a lovely demonstration of how great MN can be. It does sound as if we're halfway through a success story, and thank you to the OP and to all the supportive posters - a lovely read which has added to my life experience.

I am glad to read your positive post.
You must feel such relief to see your daughter happier.
I hate how much pressure is put on our students to achieve and in some cases led to believe that uni is the be all and end all when there are so many other routes to education and employment.
When it comes down to it all we really want as mothers is a happy child in whatever way leads to them reaching that and i do believe that most of us eventually find ourselves on the right path in life.

Not your exact question, but I just wanted to say something that might help. My son did an Engineering Degree at Uni. He is the ultimate clever boffin, and he found it incredibly hard. He did graduate, but only just. As he had been a straight A student all through High School, it totally shocked him how hard Uni was. He often had to pull all nighters, just to keep up. Over 200 people started that degree and by the end only a handful were left : the rest jacked it in, because they couldn't cope. Your daughter is far from alone in finding Uni difficult.

Back in "my day" very few kids went to Uni - maybe 3 or 4 out of a whole year group of around 200. These days, it's almost expected in a way it didn't used to be. I never went. No way would I have managed all that academic work and study, just no way. But I've been a successful Bank Manager, Police Officer and I now run my own business - I'm not thick, but NO WAY could I have coped with Uni. Your daughter will I'm sure make a great success of her life, without Uni - none of my friends went, and they are all successful business people, earning a ton of money. Not a degree between us!